How do individuals with anxious attachments pursue emotional safety? 

An individual with an anxious attachment desires closeness and validation. But at the same time, they live in fear of being abandoned. We learn to attach to our significant others when we are children. The way our parents respond to us has a huge impact on how we will form relationships after growing up, particularly romantic relationships.

Anxious attachment style is an unhelpful way of relating because, while you believe it keeps you safe, it actually blocks you from what you probably want. At the end of the day, we desire true emotional intimacy, connection, and love.

Individuals who are anxiously attached try to find safety in various ways. Mostly, they do so in relationships. However, to heal from their wounds, sometimes we have to find safety within ourselves.

We all strive for safety in our relationships. (Image via Freepik/ bearfotos)

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How do individuals with an anxious attachment style find safety?

Attachment styles take years to form. (Image via Freepik/ Freepik)

It can be difficult for a person with a secure attachment style to understand the neediness displayed by an anxious partner. In fact, sometimes it can become very overwhelming for both partners.

By understanding how anxious individuals seek safety in relationships, you can move towards improving your relationship.

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1. Reassurance-seeking and excessive validation

While seeking reassurance and validation is not a bad thing and is also very common in relationships. Anxiously attached individuals are not able to make decisions on their own. They need constant reassurance and validation from their partners.

Unfortunately, they haven't felt validated by their parents or primary caregivers for a very long time.

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2. Over-dependence

If an anxious person can form a relationship, they see it as the only source of love and affection. Whether it is a romantic relationship or friendship, a person with an anxious attachment style becomes overly dependent on this person. They are not able to take care of their own emotional health.

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3. Possessiveness

They may become very possessive of you. (Image via Freepik/ Stefamerpik)

One of the most common ways in which an anxiously attached individual seeks safety is by being possessive of their 'person' or people. Since they fear abandonment or experience separation anxiety, they try to be as controlling as possible. They may stop you from hanging out with others or may experience negative feelings towards your family and friends.

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4. Hypervigilance

"Are you mad at me?" or "Did I do something wrong?" These are some questions that an individual with an anxious attachment style is likely to ask. They are constantly vigilant if you are not in a good way or may behave negatively with them. This can be traced back to their childhood trauma.

Children are often taught not to upset others around them. This makes them hypervigilant about making mistakes.

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5. Demanding

As a consequence of their dependence on you, they may constantly demand love, affection, and attention from you. While it can be difficult to understand this endless demand, it often stems from their unmet needs. They might behave in a reactive manner if their demands are not met.

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It can be easy to call a person with an anxious attachment style needy and demanding. However, it takes effort and time to understand their experiences and why they behave in specific ways. If you have an anxiously attached partner, seeking couple therapy can be a great option to work on attachment issues. Remember that you are not alone!

Healing begins with awareness of patterns keeping you stuck and understanding the root fears, worries, and beliefs that are driving you to function this way. Once you are aware, you can begin the journey of chipping away at all the negative beliefs that have kept you from stepping into secure attachment! It is possible to shift anxious attachment to secure attachment with awareness and self-work!

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Janvi Kapur is a counselor with a Master's degree in applied psychology with a specialization in clinical psychology.