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Trauma bonding is when a relationship or attachment has an underlying cycle of abuse. It can be any form of abuse but is generally either emotional or physical. There's abuse, love and reward, and abuse again. It becomes a vicious cycle between two partners.
While there are relationships based on love and security, there are also relationships that stem from co-dependency and toxicity. When a victim wants to break free from trauma bonding, they may experience emotional and psychological withdrawal symptoms.
It's similar to what is seen in substance addiction. It can include depression, anxiety and a strong desire to return to the abuser. While it's an incredibly challenging period, you can step out of the relationship.
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Signs of trauma bonding
Intermittent rewards can create a sense of hope and attachment, making it difficult for the victim to leave the relationship. It often causes them to hold on to the relationship and continue to fall in traps of trauma bonding.
Victims in abusive situations may experience intense fear and believe that they are dependent on the other person. Abusers often isolate their victims from friends and family, making it tougher for the victim to seek support or escape the relationship.
A common sign of a trauma bond is that victims may rationalize or justify the abuser's behavior, making excuses for them and downplaying the severity of the abuse.
It can further solidify the bond. Victims may experience low self-esteem and believe that they deserve the mistreatment, which can keep them trapped in the relationship.
Stages of trauma bonding
While there isn't a singular theory that outlines the seven stages of trauma bonding, all of them reflect a plan by the person with a narcissistic personality.
For you to identify if you are in a trauma bond, here are the seven stages:
#1 Love bombing
Generally, all romantic relationships have a honeymoon period, which is characterized by a lot of feel-good moments. In a relationship with a narcissist, you may feel like the most special person in the room.
#2 Gaining your trust
Once the narcissist knows that you have become attached or feel more connected, they may try to make quick advances. It may also include a proposal to ensure that they have gained your trust.
#3 Shift in personality
Now that you trust your partner, you naturally want to see how this relationship progresses. Unfortunately, in trauma bonding, you become the object of their insults and abuse. It might start with comments here and there and other controlling behaviors.
#4 Gaslighting behaviors
Gaslighting is very unhealthy and yet common in toxic relationships. The abuser makes you question your own thoughts and belief systems. Even if you want to convey certain emotions and thoughts, they're brought back at you.
#5 Defeat
You may try a couple of times or more than that to hold a fair conversation. However, each chance may be rejected, leading to a feeling of dejection and defeat.
You might notice that by the time you reach this stage, they have overstepped your boundaries and left you mentally exhausted.
#6 Loss of self
What made sense to you once doesn't anymore. While you wanted to leave the relationship, you don't find the right tools and ways to do so. Eventually, you start losing sense of who you are as an individual. Your pursuit is to then work out the relationship.
#7 Emotional addiction
As the abuser has cut off your ties, you're left with no option but to stay with them. Like the chances in a casino, they intermittently validate your feelings, and you continue to stay for these moments. Trauma bonding can leave you feeling depleted.
How to break a trauma bond?
The first step to breaking a trauma bond is to really gather emotional energy and become aware of the circumstances. It's indeed a very tough choice, but you need to give yourself permission to leave.
It's important to recognize that you will always have people to hold and protect you. If not significant others, you can try to reach out to mental health professionals.
When you become aware that you have been in a toxic relationship, you may want to deny it. You may want to say to yourself that it's love, and the other person will change.
While it can be true sometimes, at other times, you may be in a relationship with a narcissist. To find peace, you will have to break free from the shackles of trauma bonding.
Janvi Kapur is a counselor with a Master's degree in applied psychology with a specialization in clinical psychology.
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