What is maternal gatekeeping? Can it be stopped?

A gatekeeper often places stringent restrictions on your entry. What is maternal gatekeeping?

It's when a mother becomes a gatekeeper for her child. It often makes a partner parent you and micromanage how you interact with your child. While gatekeeping is normal, it can create difficulties for loved ones.

A mother may find herself trying to control it all. The deep-rooted reason can be the fear of judgement and expectations from society. It also is maintained by the belief that the mom is the only one capable of taking care of a child.

There's a load of judgement that falls on your post-motherhood. In the process of being that perfect mom, we want to have all the control. Maternal gatekeeping can significantly affect your mental health, but it can be stopped.

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What are the manifestations of maternal gatekeeping?

Every mother is protective, but gatekeeping can have long-term negative consequences. (Image via pexels/Auguest De Richelieu)

Maternal gatekeeping examples include limiting or controlling a father's involvement in their child's care.

It's important to recognize how gatekeeping can manifest in your life. Remember that this behavior can be conscious or unconscious. One of the primary ways of doing it is micromanagement. The mother may question a father's decision and 'competence' in managing tasks for the child.

As a consequence, they may undermine a father's role in taking care of the child. Additionally, they may criticise a father's behavior and experience a lack of trust. That can make the father feel excluded and left out.

Maternal gatekeeping is often sustained by unhealthy perfectionism associated with being the 'best mom.'

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How to stop maternal gatekeeping?

How to stop gatekeeping? (Image via Pexels/Emma Bauso)

Maternal gatekeeping may seem like the mother's responsibility; instead, it's a joint one.

It not only requires collaborative effort from the partner but also a societal understanding of the responsibilities a mother has to take on. Mother's and father's mental health should take the spotlight.

Here are some ways to stop maternal gatekeeping:

#1 Communication

What often saves partners from a toxic relationship is communication. No two partners are perfect in how they try to communicate, but it can always be learned. Gatekeeping often stems from fears and expectations, so it's important for partners to express their emotions or thoughts.

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#2 Acknowledgement and validation

We all want to hear words of care and validation, which can be especially true for partners who have recently become parents.

Parenting is not easy, and depending on cultural expectations, women often have to manage the dual burden. It also means that mothers should encourage their father's involvement in raising a child.

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#3 Seeking support

Motherhood can be isolating, especially if the child is young and the partner stays out most of the time.

Whether it's working with a mental health professional through couple therapy or seeking individual therapy for maternal concerns, seek out what works out for you.

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Many factors contribute to and sustain maternal gatekeeping. Parenting and motherhood can be an overwhelming responsibility.

By understanding its manifestations and potential ways of managing it, partners can experience the joys of parenting. It's important to note that parents are not perfect, and there's no right way to parenting.

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Janvi Kapur is a counselor with a Master's degree in applied psychology with a specialization in clinical psychology.

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