Mixed martial arts is one of the most punishing sports in the world, even without accounting for the fight itself. Depending on an array of factors like their age, opponents and the proximity of a fight, MMA fighters train anywhere from once to thrice a day. Their preparation is an almost Christ-like purging and when a fighter goes to war completely unscathed, it’s more of an exception than the rule.
In Dante’s Inferno, each ring of hell is progressively more torturous than the last one; for fighters, it is the same. The unforgiving road of a training camp leads to a merciless field of war, where there stands a warrior whose sole purpose for the last few months of his life has been your doom. The cycle is perpetuated with the next fight.
Every elite fighter’s offence is always strategised, measured and sharpened towards the coveted W. But remove all the pageantry and science, and an MMA contest is a microcosm of the most atavistic, universal, and conclusive characteristic of evolution there is – fight or flight.
When the verbal quivers are empty, the camera lenses shut for the promos and trained on the Octagon, reality becomes highly protean. We’ve seen Gods cast down from the Pantheon by humble mortals; the cage has often been the background for modern-day myth.
Reputations are no armour in the cage; auras of invincibility are shattered in seconds. Regardless of gameplans, when they smell blood, fighters will go in for the kill like an Orca on a Great White. But sometimes, these jugular attacks are ill-conceived and the fighters end up impaled on their own swords.
Adrenaline charging through their veins and walking the tightrope between hunter and hunted, it takes nerves of steel to be able to tame a fight. More often than not, a fighter’s misstep allows his opponent a foot in the door and that’s the beginning of the end.
But there have been times when MMA has shown it has a cruel sense of humour. In social media, epic fail compilations are what Piko Taro is to music. So here’s an assortment of jacked dudes who live to hurt each other, KTFOing themselves:
#8 Gray Maynard gets DDTed by Rob Emerson
Gray Maynard’s early UFC career is now a palimpsest; the once-mighty wrestling standout from the University Of Michigan was undefeated in his first ten UFC fights, except for a draw with Frankie Edgar and this bizarre No Contest against Rob Emerson.
As contestants on The Ultimate Fighter 5, both shared the unattractive record of being submitted by season winner Nate Diaz during the show. But their showings in the tournament warranted them a fight on the undercard.
Maynard swept round one except for a flying knee and a takedown from Emerson. In the sophomore, Maynard picked up his foe and slammed him to the ground. Emerson tapped instantaneously due to a rib injury but there was a befuddling fix when referee Herb Dean noticed that Maynard had spiked himself into blackness.
The official decision was furiously protested by Maynard, who claimed to be wide awake and completely sentient of Emerson submitting.
“The Bully” would put that twist of fate behind him and cut through the Lightweights, earning a shot at champion Frankie Edgar, whom he had defeated once and fought to a draw in their next meeting.
Maynard lost to a radiant performance from Frankie Edgar that is worthy of a Rocky reboot and has since become a shell of his former self, losing five of his last seven fights.
#7 Yoshihisa Yamamoto crashes Mark Kerr’s homecoming
Many will concur that Mark Kerr’s nickname “The Titan”, was befitting, especially in the genesis of modern MMA. The collegiate wrestling champion was a towering figure in the early MMA landscape but just like the Titans, he crashed down from his zenith.
After winning several ADCC golds and two UFC tournaments, Kerr traversed the globe to the erstwhile burgeoning hub of fighting, PRIDE FC. After a topsy-turvy phase, “The Smashing Machine” returned from a three-year hiatus from MMA to face pro-wrestler/fighter, Yoshihisa Yamamoto.
Kerr’s Herculean physique, which earned him the moniker “The Specimen”, looked closer to a dad-bod and his offence itself appeared defanged. Forty seconds into the fight, Kerr lunged for a takedown but drove his skull into the mat. He left PRIDE after the embarrassing loss and slumped to 7-2 in his last 9 fights.
Those were anguishing death throes of the career of an icon, who once prompted event organisers to ban knees to the head and headbutts just because of his Blitzkrieg finishes that cut short TV programming time. That win was the peak of Yamamoto’s career, as he never had his hand raised at the end of a fight again.
#6 Matt Lindland’s belly-to-back of the head slam
One day, Matt Lindland will retrospect his accomplishments and smile. The 46-year-old’s life glints with distinctions, from winning a silver in wrestling in the 2000 Olympics to professional rafting to acting to coaching. Except, this one.
“The Law” rode a compelling four-fight win streak, which included triumphs over Phil Baroni and Ricardo Almeida to a shot at the UFC Middleweight title. Murilo Bustamante would deny him the crown, but Lindland rebutted with two wins.
Then came the fight against Hawaiian Falaniko Vitale at UFC 43. The card, which boasted of UFC luminaries like Randy Couture, Chuck Liddell, Frank Mir and Pedro Rizzo, also gave the MMA blooper reels one for the ages. Lindland avenged his loss to Vitale by finishing him with strikes at UFC 45, but this became a bitter trope whenever his name is brought up.
#5 Sam Alvey smiles all the way to a win bonus
Smilin’ Sam Alvey is exemplary of what a sunny outlook can do; despite a rocky road to the UFC, he quickly became a fan favourite whose fights sell, he’s cashed more than a few bonus cheques and to top it off, he’s married to a supermodel.
But the way he channels all that positivity is alarming. The ginger-haired Middleweight is the perennially loved brawler; he bets on his chin and his fists, and does not know the word “defence” or “retreat”.
In 2014, Alvey was matched up against Dylan Andrews, the first Maori fighter to compete in the UFC. The Kiwi used his wrestling to blunt Alvey’s offence, but on one takedown, slammed his head into the mat, gifting Alvey an easy finish.
#4 Junior Dos Santos vs. Cain Velasquez III
The whole world was in stunned silence when Junior Dos Santos clubbed Cain Velasquez to sleep in a minute and seized the UFC Heavyweight title in November 2011. Both dragged injuries entering the fight, but Cain was the worse for wear.
After beating Antonio Silva in a bloodbath, Cain dominated JDS to recapture the title in 2012. Santos earned himself a rematch in 2013, where he was less gun-shy and started the fight battering and dropping Cain in the first round.
The Brazilian was shut out of the script after the bell heralded the second round, suffocated by Velasquez’s frightening pace. The sheer will which supported his giant frame despite taking a cringy beating, won the hearts of many more fans that night. But despite his dogged spirit, JDS could not soldier on after he hit the floor headfirst while attempting a guillotine.
#3 Shungo Oyama takes a trip to the ER
Dream 8 was a solid event headlined by two Japanese legends – Hayato Sakurai and Shinya Aoki. The card had some other big names scattered about it – Ninja Rua, Jeff Monson, Sergei Kharitonov, to name a few.
The gag from that feature comes courtesy of Shungo Oyama, who it should be noted, has two notches named Gracie on his belt. There would be no such luck for Oyama that night, as he pancaked his head on the mat and Nakahara pounced, ending the fight with strikes.
An economical decision, considering how many times Oyama has been choked unconscious for refusing to tap. Check the 00:25 mark in the video to see how it played out.
#2 Zack Melton vs. Devon Zeller
MMA house shows have all sorts of undocumented goodies and this one comes to us from one of them held in Oregon in 2008. Zack Melton had defeated another amateur fighter, Greg Wood in a regional promotion and was looking to repeat his success against National Guard PFC Devon Zeller.
Zeller took control of the bout in the onset by taking Melton down. But the beetroot-haired Melton snuck out and was thirsty for revenge. A little too thirsty, because as he slammed Zeller down, his head was sandwiched between his foe’s body and the floor and he was obliterated instantly.
#1 Dan Lariviere switches himself off
While most of the self KOs on this list have come by botched slams or takedowns, this one is a rare breed altogether. This fight has done the rounds in MMA circles, but there are no names or any other markers to identify it. Until now.
Sherlock Holmes’ immortal principle is “Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth”. Not to make tall claims, but that’s exactly what’s at play here.
The description in the video says EFL (a Canadian promotion) 4,18 Fevrier, which is French for February. Thankfully, someone went to the trouble of creating an event page for it. On the list of fights, there’s only one fight that ended in a TKO – Jeremie Capony def. Dan Lariviere.
The fighter in the black and white trunks, ostensibly Lariviere, attempts a switch kick with no beginning, middle or end. He then slips on a banana peel and crashes onto his own skull. Minimum effort, maximum reward for Capony. Sorry, Dan. You’re welcome, fight fans.
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