The Dirty Dozen: India's playing XI and then some

The Architect (L) and the Enforcer

Shikhar Dhawan – The Explosives Expert

If Shikhar Dhawan were in a Looney Tunes show, he would be a juxtaposition of those two arch-rivals: the Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote. He seems to think that his scoring rate must match that of the Roadrunner while making a generous allowance for acting like the sort of incendiary device Wile E. would approve of. His Test career is as yet a work in progress, but I would rather see him blaze away to a streaky 50 that steals the impetus than grind out a scratchy 30.

He hasn’t completely proved himself against the short ball, either, and needs to curb the happy-hooker syndrome that he had in South Africa. He is blessed with quick hands and a free flowing blade, but he will probably live or die by the sword. India will hope that Dhawan is more hurricane than hurry back to the dressing room.

Gautam Gambhir - The Sergeant Major

In any film or TV series that has even the whiff of the military, there is a tough as nails, uncompromising, dogged sergeant major. That is the Gautam Gambhir I would like to see. He needs to act like an eccentric millionaire who doesn’t want to part with a beloved object as long as putting a price on his wicket goes. While Dhawan has the license to go for broke, I would like to see Gambhir fight it out. The team management should make sure he gets plenty of fish and chips before each game so that he resists the temptation to go fishing outside off stump.

His mental toughness has never been in doubt, but, as the most experienced member of the batting line-up, he will need to rediscover the down in the trenches, scrappy, bloody-minded mongrel that resides within him and carry out the ferocious guard dog routine. If all goes to plan, a leech should be able to take his correspondence course at the end of the series.

Cheteshwar Pujara - The Architect

Cheteshwar Pujara looks the sort of chap who could be eating at a diner when it is suddenly held up, take out the robber with minimum fuss and pay his bill and leave as if it is the most natural thing in the world. He is the ideal number 3 with nerves of steel and the sort of sangfroid that a fire-fighting monk would have. His job will be to either stabilize the innings or keep the good work going by ticking over the strike like a well-functioning indicator.

Nothing seems to ruffle this man, and he is blessed with the ability to size up a situation and do exactly what it has been clamouring for in the most efficient possible manner. His greatest strength is that he unobtrusively creeps up on you before knocking you out with a bag of sand; he regularly approaches a gargantuan score without you even noticing. India will take more of the same.

Virat Kohli – The Enforcer (VC)

The hit man, if you will, every movement Kohli makes while batting is a positive statement of intent. It begins when he walks onto the pitch as if he owns it and is accentuated by the domineering dismissiveness of his strokeplay. His cover driving is crisper than a well toasted sandwich, and he flicks with the practiced and well-seasoned air of someone who has spent a great deal of time thumbing through magazines in a dentist’s waiting room. He has no obvious weaknesses; he is comfortable driving, flicking, sweeping, hooking, pulling, and cutting and doesn’t discriminate between pacers or spinners, hammering all and sundry.

He couldn’t have more shots if he decided to help test out a new type of injection. As the vice-captain, this tour will be a crucial learning curve for him; his teammates would do well to follow his fine example and play with the passion he does. Playing for India may be a right given the way he bats, but he treats it as a privilege. Whether he comes in early, or after a platform has been laid, his role will be to gun for the English bowlers and either snatch the initiative or unleash a nightmare that has all the strappings, ‘black rain and fire and hail’.The question is not if he will score, but how many runs he will pillage. And that isn’t a prediction, that’s a spoiler.

Rohit Sharma - The Eccentric Artist

It is a well-documented fact that the team management has assigned somebody the single specific task of keeping Rohit Sharma away from the Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream during Test matches. Well, they haven’t actually, but they should, given the amount of brain freezes he has. Rohit Sharma bats like a dream only for it turn into a nightmare for the fans watching at home all too often. All too often, languid becomes lazy in the blink of an eye.

He could hit the fastest bowler in the world for an effortlessly elegant boundary and then get distracted by an imaginary butterfly on the pitch and throw it all away. His job will be to control the innings, but he could be susceptible to a new ball with his suspect foot work. He needs to get forward more, but, most importantly, he needs to realize that, as the artist of the team, his job is to paint masterpieces, not caricatures. India will gladly substitute his ‘lazy elegance’ for ‘substantive style’, but, with Rohit, infuriation is always right behind delectable delight.

Ajinkya Rahane - The Fighter Jet Pilot

Ajinkya Rahane is the most underrated and underplayed member of this batting line-up, always flying low under the radar. He is like the stand-up comedian who has the misfortune of strutting his stuff after the star of the show. England would do well not to think of him as an afterthought, because, like any good Fighter Jet Pilot, he comes up from behind you out of nowhere. Earning his stripes in South Africa and New Zealand, he is very easy on the eye and has the chops to back it up.

A selfless player, he has the ability to bat with the tail and his experiences as a domestic opener should stand him in good stead against the second new ball. While he cannot set the tone of an innings from number 6, he has an invaluable role as a conduit between the middle and lower order and is the last bastion of resistance in the event of a collapse. He would do well to keep his flying goggles ready.

Ishant Sharma

Mahendra Singh Dhoni - The Boss Man (C) (WK)

India would like MS Dhoni to portray all 4 members of the A Team. As the captain, he must have the foresight and vision that Hannibal did; he needs to be the man with the plan. As a number 7 batsman, Dhoni needs to be more Gilchrist than Gooch, a savage counter-attack is more his style. Perhaps he could combine the brutality of B.A Baracus and airy nonchalance of Face. A dash of reckless abandon a la Murdoch and England will get a good workout chasing leather, not to mention the catching practice the crowd will get.

However, it seems unlikely that he will divert from the blueprint he has used in Test cricket until it is too late, but it is worth noting that his best innings have come while playing freely. The thing with Dhoni is that, with his technique, he could edge behind any moment. He would be better served fighting fire with fire, powerful driving, cutting and pulling along with aggressive running is the way forward. As the leader, he must seize the initiative and not wait for things to happen on their own. If he must mirror his one-day cricket, let it be in his cool, calculated batting and not his captaincy. It may be time to ditch the detached ice-man persona for the proactive Mr Freeze.

Ravichandran Ashwin - The Spider

India would like Ashwin to do 3 things this tour: take wickets, keep proving that 8 is too low for someone of his obvious ability to bat, and, most importantly, not run any of his teammates out! He spoke before the tour of not being comfortable with a holding role and said that attacking was more his strength. If he can manage that on green wickets with no assistance for spinners, kudos to him. But Dhoni will probably want him to keep his attacking instincts in the locker until England’s second innings and control them like an Indian parent in the first dig.

He needs to resist the impulse to act like a kid at show and tell and bowl all his variations, less is more. His job is to act like a spider, subtly weaving his web, luring the batsman in and pouncing. As a batsman, he has the silky touch of the above mentioned arachnoid, and he would do well to contribute lower order runs. The best thing about his batting is not his good technique, but the fact that he thinks like a batsman and is willing to construct an innings. A role as a night-watchman may be in order.

Bhuvneshwar Kumar - The Sniper

Bhuvneshwar Kumar will have to pick his spot. He isn’t express pace, so he isn’t going to intimidate anybody. He is, however, blessed with exceptional control and the ability to swing the ball both ways. His role will be to bowl an attacking line with the new ball; he has the stamina and willpower to bowl a 10-over spell and that is where he will be most effective. For the most part, though, he will need to act like a sniper and be patient with his line and lengths. He won’t run through teams when the ball gets older, but he could force the batsman into a mistake by controlling the flow of runs like a good irrigation officer. He will be a handful if conditions suit him, but discipline will be the key.

Ishant Sharma - The Work Horse

Ishant Sharma seems to have everything going for him: pace, bounce, height and a happy knack of taking wickets at the right time even when he is bowling rubbish. Having played more than 50 Tests, he should be leading the attack, but, unfortunately, he keeps flattering to deceive. A lot was spoken about his untapped potential 7 years ago, and here we are 7 years later with a whole lot of potential just begging to be tapped to go with a bowling average of 38. That’s not good enough, and perhaps we should stop expecting Ishant to be a strike bowler.

Instead of trying to mould him into something he is not, Dhoni must use him in the way that will maximize his effectiveness, if not his potential. For all his faults, he is a bowler who will run in selflessly all day, willing to do the dirty work. If Dhoni says jump, he asks how high. His job will be to bowl the long spells; if he bowls a couple of beauties along the way, that will be an added bonus. He could be used to bounce out the tail but, for the most part, he’d better pick up his broom and put on his apron. Hard work beckons.

Mohammed Shami – The Missile

Perhaps it is a bit unfair to expect a bowler who has not yet played 10 Tests to lead the attack, but that is exactly what is expected of Shami. He has a lot going for him: pace, seam movement, reverse swing and a huge heart. Ideally, he should be used as a shock weapon; used strategically and sparingly; bowling short, fast spells at crucial junctures, but that may not be a possibility in a 4-man attack. He is inexperienced and may leak runs going for wickets, but, right now, he’s the closest thing this team has to a strike bowler. Crucially, he is the only member of the attack who can pick up a wicket at any stage of the game, and that’s really all that matters.

Ravindra Jadeja – The Moustached One (12th Man)

Technically the man in possession of the spinner’s birth, Jadeja is unlucky to miss out on selection. However, he has already helped India’s cause by using his Jedi mind tricks to get the ECB to sack Kevin Pietersen. He could come into contention if Ashwin loses form or if Dhoni breaks the habit of a life-time and picks 5 bowlers. As a bowler, he toils tirelessly holding up an end and performing a holding role, but he is a handful on a turning 5th day wicket.

As a batsman, he is a ball of energy but needs to temper his stroke play with caution. As a fielder, he is equal to none, chasing the ball like a bounty hunter who sees his quarry escaping. Even if he does not play, he will have an important role to play in mentally disintegrating England by menacingly twirling his moustache and uniting the nation with cries of SRJ! SRJ! SRJ!