LOL Report - Celkon Cup Final, India vs Sri Lanka

DISCLAIMER: This is a piece of fiction written for humorous purposes and should be taken in jest.

Not just another India-Sri Lanka match

Firstly, a moment of silence for everyone who decided to sleep thinking it is just another boring India vs Sri Lanka match. Secondly, I’m wondering if it would be appropriate to call this ‘Arun LOL’ report. You’ll soon know why. Let’s go back and relive the game for the ones who missed it.

India were playing Sri Lanka for the 8762435th time, and the two teams were fighting for something bigger than the World Cup, the Cycle Agarbattis and the Celkon Mobiles. MS Dhoni wanted to add another agarbatti (read as feather) to his cap, and he decided to play despite not being 100% fit.

Kumar Sangakkara got as many lives as Undertaker has in the WWE, and at 171/2 in the 38th over, Sri Lanka were expected to toy with the Indian bowlers in the death overs. But maybe they showed N Srinivasan’s image on the big screen. The collapse began soon. Ravindra Jadeja seemed like a less prettier version of Shane Warne as he helped the Indians clean up the remaining 8 wickets for just 30 runs. Sri Lanka were bundled out for 201.

It looked like Virat Kohli‘s love affair with Sri Lanka had hit a dead end. With Dhawan and Kohli back in the hut, it was the ‘talented’ Rohit Sharma who reconstructed the innings. Meanwhile, listening to Arun Lal, Russel Arnold and Rameez Raja minutes after listening to greats like Nasser Hussain, David Lloyd and Co. was a journey to hell in itself.

If Rameez Raja was a famous poet of the past, not many of us would have cleared our English exams in school. Every time an Indian wicket fell, Russel Arnold experienced bouts of orgasm.

At that time of the night, when people would usually be up watching Sunny Leone, we were destined to find solace in an India Sri Lanka game. It wasn’t that disappointing after all. India kept losing wickets, and it started to get more interesting.

Rohit Sharma took his comparison with Sachin Tendulkar to a new level after he got out to a ball that kept low. He also had such similar reactions, suggesting the world that the ball just rolled after pitching, which of course, wasn’t the case.

In came MS Dhoni, with a better clean shaven look. He wasn’t fully fit, didn’t seem to be running freely, could not time the ball well, and more importantly, he kept losing partners. However, there was hope, since India bat deep.

Jadeja and Ashwin made guest appearances that lasted a few seconds. Perhaps it was the quickest we have seen Ashwin run in and out of the field. By now, Dhoni had realised it was up to him to take India home. For a moment, he would have thought, ‘Damn! Is this why I decided to play this game?’ Instincts and all that.

The great MS

Dhoni ran quickly despite having problems with his leg and was also hit on the body by a Mathews throw. Within the blink of an eye, Sangakkara was seen appealing. Was he asking for leg before wicket? Oh dear, they wanted Dhoni out for obstructing the field. The umpires were clear that Dhoni wasn’t even looking at the ball and denied the appeal. Sangakkara and Mahela kept arguing, losing some respect among the Indian fans.

Had they been active on Twitter, they would have lost half their follower count by then. Also, you sometimes look at Sangakkara and wonder, is this the person they chose to deliver the MCC Spirit of Cricket lecture?

An agitated fan threw a bottle at Malinga. He must have been a Sri Lankan fan. Seriously, why would an Indian fan want Malinga hurt when he knows what Dhoni can do to him? Malinga had already gone for plenty. The police walked out in a ACP Pradyuman-esque way, took a hand towel and picked up the bottle to send it to Dr. Salunke’s lab (assuming everybody knows about the epic TV show CID) for finger prints.

In the meantime, the commentators were promoting the IPL. Well, if people ever wondered why the tri-series is being played, here they had an answer.

Vinay Kumar tried to do an Ashton Agar by swinging the ball out of the park and ended up doing an Ashish Nehra, hitting it straight to the fielder.

Ishant came in and his running was all over the place. He made a full length dive to avoid a run-out. It got Dhoni all animated. Well, he shouldn’t have. Ishant is so tall, if he dives full length, he will cover the entire pitch from the bowler’s end to the other. His bat would perhaps be near the keeper.

15 runs were needed off 1 over. Even Ravi Shastri wouldn’t have said, “All three results possible” because it was Dhoni at the other end. Everybody knew there was only one way this game was heading.

Eranga was the man to bowl. He had wickets of Dhawan and Kohli in his pocket earlier and was the best bowler for Sri Lanka after Herath in the game. Dhoni changed his bat, a 2 kg bat as he told later, and smacked a six straight over the bowler’s head. Another four and a six and he’d done it. There were no celebrations from the legend and it just seemed as if it was just another day at work for him.

It was World Cup revisited for Sri Lanka. On another note, Microsoft must consider naming their ‘task manager’ after MS Dhoni. Seriously, nobody ends tasks better than him. Kohli too played a hand in leading India to the Celkon Cup win. At the end of the day, Tamanna was the real winner.

When we all thought we’ve had everything – drama, action, emotions – there was still time for bloopers. Arun Lal’s mispronunciations made the presentation ceremony exciting. While that was on, he saw a bird flying over his head, lost his senses and said, “that’s all we have from the presentation” before handing the winners trophy to Team India.

To those who missed the game, don’t forget to catch the highlights of the presentation, because you might just see Dhoni do this again, but you may never see a Arun Lal mess up the presentation ceremony like this in future.