SATIRE: The most successful debut since DDLJ

Ravi Shastri: Just what the doctor ordered?

After being humiliated (again, no, not in 2011, no, no, not in 2013 against New Zealand either, yes just this English summer. What? Yes, Again!) in the Test series against England, India bounced back (What? No, they still had their problems with bouncers in the Test series) in the 2nd ODI against England, sealing a comfortable 133 run (D/L method) victory.

The media have hailed Ravi Shastri’s performance as the best ‘directorial’ debut since Aditya Chopra made his in ‘Dil Wale Dulhaniya le jayenge’ (literally translates to people with big hearts will run away with their to-be bride). We really don’t want to get into what happened to Aditya’s career after that, but the BCCI also attributes the victory to the ‘Dulhaniya toh hum hi le gaye lol’ theory (we already took your wives and girlfriends away by banning them).

Speaking of bans on wives and girlfriends, if one puts things to perspective, Suresh Raina, who was the star performer of the day, and apparently single, had the following hilarious interview with The Times of India. This was an actual non-sarcastic interview in December 2012. Excerpts:

A lot of your friends and colleagues are getting married. No plans of marriage yet?

Raina: “Bohot pressure hai ghar se ab. My mother keeps asking, shaadi kab karni hai, girlfriend hai toh bata do, nahi toh mein ladki dhoondoo. My sister, my niece, everyone wants me to get married now, they want to see me settle down in life and be happy. I know it's not something I can run away from. It's one of the most important things in life, and a lot changes after marriage. I think another year and a half max, and I'll be hitched too.”

It is almost two years now, no good news yet. Maybe the ban stopped him. You never know.

When indirectly asked if he’s in the friendzone, he got emotional and defensive.

Seriously, there's no girlfriend?

Raina: “No, seriously, koi nahi hai. It's not like I've not been in a relationship, I have. I had a girlfriend when I was 17-18, and when she was 21, she wanted us to get married. I couldn't do that, because my game was my priority. We had to part ways, and there was no guilt because I had never committed to marriage.”

Wow! So what exactly did you do, Mr. Raina, the 4 years you were together, if not commiting to marriage? Is that another way of implying something? I’m just saying.

But there must be others who want to get close to you because you're a cricketer...

Yes, there are always people who want to get closer to you because you're famous, and it's not like I don't do stuff too. But I know where to draw the line. We're in a game that requires a great deal of discipline. The body says one thing, but the mind knows what it must do. You have to tell yourself to get back to the game. “

I really loved the second last sentence in this answer. And this, by the way is an actual interview. You can read the whole interview here.

Raina did tell in a post match interview that Ravi Shastri had told him, “Khadoos khelna hai” (Play stubbornly). One can only help but wonder does he play khadoos in real life as well.

Apart from Raina, the theory was further proved right by Rohit Sharma, the other half centurion of the day. Says a source, “Rohit had a break up around half a year ago. So he currently has no one special in his life. From what we came to know, he was a talented boyfriend, promised a lot, but failed to deliver, leading to the break up.”

Meanwhile, Sir Ravindra Jadeja has written a letter to the BCCI, seeking clarification as to whether the 20 girlfriends he made on the tour (which is apparently more than the number of wickets he took) will be sent to India or not.

Amid the WAGS saga, Sourav Ganguly had to make an appearance, which he did, seeking the role clarification on the role of Ravi Shastri and Duncan Fletcher in the team. It is not widely known if he also seeked clarification as to whether their respective wives will be allowed on the tour, and if they will be, will they be sharing the same room?

Meanwhile, the woman’s team has meekly asked the BCCI whether their husbands and boyfriends will be allowed on the tour or not. The clarification took a long time coming as none of the BCCI officials we asked knew the Indian Women's team is on tour as well.

After the emphatic victory, we had an interview with both the ‘bosses’ seeking some clarification about the current quandaries.

So, Mr. Fletcher, there is a lot of speculation going about the boss of the team. Would you like to shed some light on the matter?

Duncan Fletcher:

Anything? Anything at all? A ‘no comment’ maybe?

Duncan Fletcher:

How was Raina’s performance today? He took the match away single-handedly.

Duncan Fletcher:

Have you heard about the fact that aliens from the planet Timbaktoo have invaded the earth and are making their own team to participate in the World Cup?

Duncan Fletcher: You reckon they’d need a coach?

Wow! What a resounding idea indeed, Mr. Fletcher. 1 billion Indian fans would love this.

After such an insightful interview, we end this piece with the interview of Ravi Shastri.

A much needed victory for the Indian team, Mr. Shastri. Your thoughts?

Ravi Shastri: This victory is just what the doctor ordered. We really needed this to boost the momentum of the side. (Okay, I want to go back in time and decipher which doctor used to ‘order’. Nowadays, they generally ‘prescribe’.

How would you rate the performance of the Indian side?

Ravi Shastri: Oh, very highly. Raina hit them like a tracer bullet and Ravindra Jadeja does not need a pitch to bowl well. Regarding the fielding, when the English batsmen took the aerial route, hit it hard and the ball went high in the air, at first I felt they will go all the way. But then, it looked like they will fall short, there always was a fielder coming underneath it, and he made no mistake (yeah, exactly this is what you’ve been saying forever in the commentary box. Even my cat repeats it these days).

When England were cruising at 50/0, what were your thoughts?

Ravi Shastri: At that point, I felt all three results were possible. Both teams wanted to win. England were looking to score runs, and India were looking to take wickets. But if India were to win, they had to play good cricket. But apart from India, the game of cricket won. (Why on earth do we need Sherlock? We should start our own Detective Shastri Series)

DISCLAIMER: This is a humour article and should not be taken seriously.