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The title speaks for itself, this year's WrestleMania was something out of the fantasy land of the 'Woken' Matt Hardy, apt considering he opened the show with a weird victory aided by an old foe.
The best way to describe WWE's 'Show of Shows' would be that it had something for everyone as well as something, not meant for everyone. In many ways, it was the perfect potboiler of a mess, the kind that fits well into the context of a mainstream Bollywood movie.
In Bollywood, we call them 'Masala' movies. The basic idea is to feature a potpourri of multiple genres sometimes blended to perfection and other times over or undercooked. So in honour of what has been the weirdest seven hours of WWE history, here goes with this perplexed review.
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Kicking things off
The kickoff show truly doesn't encapsulate what it's like to compete at WrestleMania especially for the unfortunate souls contesting during it. However, that doesn't mean anything substantial can't happen during this time.
The biggest of them all was the return of Bray Wyatt, unchanged and unbroken but possibly 'woken' as he assisted Matt Hardy to win the 5th Annual Andre The Giant Battle Royal. Welcome the 'Woken Wyatts'. Rating: 1* out of 5
The second match of the night featured the Cruiserweight championship finals. Unlike their more accomplished counterparts from last years Cruiserweight Kick Off contest, the heart and soul of 205 Live; Mustafa Ali and Cedric Alexander respectively didn't carry a chip on their shoulder but let their actions and story speak for itself.
Hence, they were successful in capturing fan's hearts. Cedric Alexander wins to become the WWE Cruiserweight Champion. Rating: 3* out of 5
Finally, the kick-off ended with another Battle Royal, this time for the WWE women accompanied by a few NXT compatriots. Unlike its men's counterpart, this had an interesting litany of stories, most importantly adding another chapter in the Bayley-Banks saga.
Bayley eliminated her 'supposed' best friend only to lose to Naomi for the Women's Battle Royal. Imagine a year ago, these two women were champions of their respective brand. Rating: 2* out of 5
The Hounds Complete the Grand Slam
Triple Threat for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: The Miz (c) vs. Finn Balor vs. Seth Rollins
Four years ago at Wrestlemania 30, WWE began the show with one of the best opening matches in WrestleMania history. They can add another one to that laundry list of matches. WWE and the combatants involved kept it simple and concise with a traditional triple threat.
As soon as Finn Balor came out with no demon paint, it was obvious it wasn't his night even though the title is changing hands. After all, with the birth of his child and no Miztourage, it seems Miz couldn't hold on any longer. Thankfully it has landed in the hands of a worthy competitor in Seth Rollins, dressed like a Game of Thrones extra.
In a scintillating contest, the competitors provided fascinating callbacks to their shared history. The most intense part of the match was left up to Seth and Finn as the former nearly threw him into the barricade like he had done two years ago, costing Balor his Universal championship. This time Balor got payback and Seth stole the championship.
Seth Rollins curb stomps The Miz to become the NEW Intercontinental Champion and 19th Grand Slam Winner.
Rating:
The Curse of New Orleans
For the Smackdown Women's Championship: Charlotte (c) vs. Asuka
What is it with streaks and New Orleans? WWE in it's bid to outdo their folly last year of ending Charlotte's PPV win streak just before WrestleMania, ended up giving the Queen a rather meaningless win against the first Royal Rumble winner and undefeated Asuka.
It was a boneheaded decision coupled with Asuka's tearful hug with Charlotte when she should have actually knocked her head off. Regardless as mentioned before, this match was wildly different from the previous. If the opener was a slick Hollywood thriller then this was a prestige drama, the kind that unfortunately wins an Oscar.
Charlotte and Asuka fought in a counter based special that had all the makings for match of the night, if it weren't for the ensuing result and how it came about. Charlotte's one-handed victory seems brave, but is one in direct conflict with her character, abilities and more importantly is not needed. Asuka could have reigned for long and put over a young up and comer, we must now hope her path in the future takes an interesting turn.
Charlotte makes Asuka tap out to RETAIN the WWE Smackdown's Women's Championship
Rating:
Jinder hinders Rusev Day!
Fatal Four-way for the WWE United States Championship: Randy Orton (c) vs. Rusev/w Aiden English vs. Bobby Roode vs. Jinder Mahal/w Sunil Singh
Sometimes WWE just doesn't get it, Rusev is by far and wide the most popular star they have today. At the Superdome, a place where Daniel Bryan managed an unbelievable miracle, it was Rusev getting the loudest cheers and chants.
WrestleMania is always meant as the culmination of the greatest moments to send fans home with a smile on their face, with Rusev they absolutely failed and that too wildly. While Rusev's chase of the United States Championship makes perfect sense against Jinder Mahal, this typical booking takes away from a pure joyous WrestleMania moment that the fans lacked in last nights show.
The match itself was lethargic, to say the least, featuring three of the most uninteresting Superstars in the weirdest of multi-man formats. Orton got to shine, it was surreal seeing Bobby Roode at Wrestlemania and Jinder has improved but the night should have belonged to Rusev, as it was Rusev Day!
Jinder Mahal pins Rusev on Rusev Day to win and become the NEW United States Champion!
Rating:
Best Match of the Night?
Kurt Angle and Ronda Rousey vs. HHH and Stephanie McMahon
The smartest decision WWE made is to have this blockbuster but questionable contest go on early in the night. It allowed for an energetic arena full of fans enough to engage in a contest that was as bombastic as it was daring. Since we're comparing our matches to movies, this was undoubtedly that summer blockbuster event that has all the fans on the edge of their seat.
When Vince McMahon talks about WrestleMania being the Ultimate Extravaganza, this is what he means. It was a daring move to have Stephanie try to go toe to toe with Ronda Rousey but WWE played with it smartly. HHH was a perfect anchor carrying his three raw compatriots especially a slowed down Kurt Angle.
As the pantomime villains the Authority couple kept hitting back, paying homage to a litany of spots and collisions over the years. Their final comeuppance came in beautiful form with Ronda not only snapping Stephanie's arm but standing up to HHH as well.
WWE perfectly matched spectacle with sport getting the best out of all especially Ronda and she can move on to bigger and better things.
Ronda Rousey makes Stephanie McMahon tap out.
Rating:
Finally, The Usos make WrestleMania their penitentiary
Triple Threat for the WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championship: The Usos (c) vs. The New Day vs. Bludgeon Brothers
Despite the inclusion of three talented teams, two of which have revitalized the WWE tag team scene, this match was never about who would win or how they'd steal the show. Instead, the tag team contest is about the Usos finally getting their due to feature on the main card of WrestleMania.
With bigger matches in the horizon and time constraints, none of the competitors were able to do much beyond playing rag dolls for the Bludgeon Brothers but the three teams managed to build a short teaser that requires a tantalizing full feature on the next PPV.
Bludgeon Brothers despite their hokey concepts are favourable big men and quiet the team, even in their latest incarnation. They decimated the competition to a rough victory that will hopefully have sequels in the near future.
Harper pinned Kofi Kingston as the Bludgeon Brothers become the NEW Smackdown Tag Team Champions!
Rating:
Don't disturb the Dead!
John Cena vs. The Undertaker
As Undertaker swiftly put away a fearful John Cena, Corey Graves spoke some poetic and prophetic words "Be careful what you wish for!". John Cena should pay heed to the old adage, the next time he decides to do something so foolish.
After sitting among the fans enjoying the show, Cena directed by a referee jumped at the opportunity to run back to the locker room. He'd swiftly return ready for a promised fight against the Undertaker, a man he was calling out since long in less than favourable means. Instead, he got Elias in the ultimate troll job, that went sour for both men.
The Undertaker eventually arrived as expected, haunting John Cena. His time in Hollywood has paid off as John Cena evoked grand emotions of intimidation, awe, and fear as he cowered under the shadow of the dead man.
In less than three minutes, it was all over, Cena got paid tenfold for his foolish mistake and 'Taker finally gained a measure of redemption in New Orleans. The build was weird, the set up equally so and the moments surreal but the match and result fit perfectly, just maybe not the way we wanted it.
Undertaker pins John Cena in a three Minute Squash to WIN!
Rating:
Another miracle on Bourbon Street
Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan vs. Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens
This one's the comeback performance, the extravagant piece that singularly relies on its leading man to carry forward a questionable narrative structure and cinematic touch. It's what award-winning performances are and make no mistake Daniel Bryan gave a hell of a show.
The stadium erupted with 'Yes' chants and the sight of seeing Daniel Bryan return to the ring simply sublime. Even if the face in peril act by tough guy Shane McMahon didn't work, Bryan's enthusiasm as soon as he hit the ring is so infectious you can't help but be hooked.
In riveting fashion, WWE told a smart story, the men that started this war (Kevin Owens and Shane McMahon) were easily neutralized leaving in its wake for two men caught in their web to finish things off.
The neat parallel of seeing Daniel Bryan take down Sami Zayn, the man he could have become had he given up fighting, was poetic. Daniel Bryan is back and in a big way.
Daniel Bryan makes Sami Zayn tap out to WIN the match!
Rating:
Stretching the feel Good Moment!
For the RAW Women's Championship: Alexa Bliss (c)/w Mickie James vs. Nia Jax
With the narrative presented, this feel-good contest should have been a breeze for Nia Jax. Considering WWE had too little time and not lacking with matches, it would have been the right thing to let this go by briskly. After all, seeing Nia Jax decimate Alexa Bliss should have been a cathartic experience.
Sadly like much of the card, the end result and moments were on point but the booking to get there completely devoid of logic. WWE had the match go on for five minutes too long with Bliss getting in some not so much-needed offence against Jax.
Though once Jax was finally triumphant, the emotion was palpable in the stadium. Jax saved this one with a game performance. Hopefully, she gets a well deserved long reign at the top.
Nia Jax destroys Alexa Bliss to become the NEW Raw Women's Champion!
Rating:
CHAOS Reigns Supreme
For the WWE Championship: AJ Styles (c) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
Let's admit it, sometimes the biggest hyped events never live up to their expectations. Think of those top-class masterpieces you're told changed the face of the game, even they have certain flaws. The same could be said for AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakamura's first encounter in New Japan as well as their latest at WrestleMania.
Both performers gave it their all but things just didn't click. Since we are aware of their scintillating chemistry it felt like Styles and Nakamura decided to hold it back just a smidge. Of course, it doesn't help when a crowd is so drained, that you don't go all in to bring them back from the dead.
So what was it then that stopped them from going all in? The fact that this rivalry is far from over and about to get intense thanks to Shinsuke Nakamura's superb heel turn. He is a fascinating psychological bad guy from his New Japan days and it will give him the drive to finally succeed in the WWE.
AJ Styles hits the Styles Clash and pins Nakamura to RETAIN the WWE Championship
Rating:
RAW Tag Team Division; Circa 2016-2018
For the WWE Raw Tag Team Championships: The Bar (Sheamus and Cesaro) (c) vs. Braun Strowman and Nicholas
Braun Strowman has managed to beautifully balance his comedic side with his tough one, unlike most WWE monsters after a heroic face turn. Yet this match might just have stretched his credibility a bit too far.
So it was really entertaining to see Braun pick up a boy and add him to the match as his tag team partner. It's a fun skit worthy of the sports entertainment element of Wrestlemania. The perfect gentle giant meets buddy cop movie piece, unfortunately, this all came at the expense of two stellar athletes.
Even Kenny Omega bounced back from wrestling dolls and young girls, but he did it in a bizarre world not fitting the intensity of New Japan. Matching these two tones and taking a monster that while nuanced could have been top dog, hurts somewhat. What hurts even more, is the burial of a whole division for just one man and his little friend.
Braun Strowman demolishes The Bar to become the NEW Raw Tag Team Champions!
Rating:
Gun Shy Vince!
For the WWE Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Roman Reigns
The main event that was one year in the making, (or four years if you ask some people) should have gone just one way; Roman Reigns wins the big one and exorcise the demon of Brock Lesnar.
Lesnar's status as a part-time champion has affected the product. Add to the fact that he bulldozed through much of the Raw roster, to crown Roman Reigns and yet that didn't happen shows what a waste his reign has been.
Was this to make Reigns more sympathetic? It's never going to work, when it comes to Roman Reigns and his meteoric rise in WWE his biggest enemies are the company itself unwilling to go all in on him. Eventually what this caused was a retread of a far stellar match from Wrestlemania 31 without any form of character progression or genuine understanding.
Any fan would rather watch a beach ball then this!
Brock Lesnar pins Roman Reigns in a lethargic contest to RETAIN the WWE Universal Championship!
Rating:
Final Thoughts: Monday Night RAW
Heading towards the new WWE season it will be interesting to see how things shape up. On the Raw side, the question remains whether Brock Lesnar leaves the WWE or not and what happens to the prospects of the Universal championship. Where does Roman Reigns go after this loss, WWE needs to finally do something concrete with him.
Seth and Nia's ascension to the top with their respective titles will add new wrinkles to the divisions. Hopefully, they can both go on to have fruitful and competitive reigns. Asuka also lost out on her big streak and she's back on Raw, making things twisted in the women's division. Besides all that Bayley and Sasha Banks have issues to sort.
Overlooking them all is Ronda Rousey, how much of a factor will she be and is she going full-time with the WWE? And speaking of dominant forces, Braun Strowman has to justify his actions and title reign with a boy (who possibly can't always be there). With the shakeup and NXT graduates looming, things are getting interesting for Raw.
Final Thoughts: Smackdown Live!
Unlike RAW, SmackDown Live seems to have a crystal clear road set up ahead. Shinsuke Nakamura's heart-wrenching loss caused him to viciously attacks AJ Styles, this can no longer be a one and done rivalry. Which means these two men will stick around in the blue brand to finish it off.
Meanwhile, Charlotte's victory cements her on a pedestal that will be tough to take her out from, will it cause her to grow an ego or make her the queen she truly is? As for the United States title division, Randy Orton might seek a rematch but the Rusev Day coronation against the despicable Jinder Mahal writes itself.
Finally, the tag team is bursting with a new reset thanks to the Bludgeon Brothers. Amidst all this the real question is where does Daniel Bryan go from here, he can go full-time in the ring where he belongs. His two rivals might head to Raw, but the land of opportunity is a land where Bryan can now reign.
Wrestlemania 34 Overall Rating:
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