Navjot Singh Sidhu Has Competition!

By H NATARAJAN, R RAJESH & SANJAY LAD

Navjot Singh Sidhu is back in action, doing what he can’t help doing – gunning us down with Sidhusims!Sidhuisms, now part of cricketing legend, can either shock you or make you laugh – depending on which side of Sidhu you are :)

Sidhu

Sidhu, in fact, inspired the cerebral Rajesh Ramaswamy, the delightful Sanjay Lad and me to indulge in scripting Sidhuisms of our own a few years ago.

Dug the archives to present some of our collective works here on Facebook:•Inzamam-ul-Haq and Arjuna Ranatunga’s ‘run’ between wickets seem as if they are balancing eggs between their thighs and taking care not to drop them!(On two batsmen who preferred to walk between wickets for their runs)

•If Sir Geoffrey (Boycott) had batted any slower, he could have been arrested for obstructing business!(A dig at the man who was dropped after a scoring a Test double century for batting slow)

•If Sir Geoffrey could have helped it, he would have demanded appearance money from his mom when he was born!(A jibe at Boycott’s mercenary ways)

•The Brits always had a soft corner for East India Company and Sir Geoffrey is no different!(On Boycott’s unabashed praise of Sourav Ganguly)

•If flirting outside the off-stump is immoral, Sourav Ganguly should be the world’s greatest philanderer!

•Pakistan has opted to use the heavy roller. Inzi is out there in the middle.(A crack at Inzi’s weight)

•Expecting discipline from Kambli is like hoping a eunuch to get pregnant!

•With that kind of luck, he can successfully propose to Katrina Kaif!(For a batsman who got a fourth life)

•The Aussie bowlers are so disciplined that the only hope for Indian batsmen to see somethingshort and wide on their tour Down Under is to get invited to David Boon’s house!

•What I like most about Murali is that he is hell bent on giving his best!

•I thought Dalmiya did a great job while sitting in the driving seat as the ICC chief, but even drivers cannot ignore the perils of speed-breakers!(With reference to Dalmiya’s problems with Malcolm Speed)

•The upper layer of Indian pitches and the inner wear of sunny Californian beaches goers have one thing in common – they both come off in no time.

•”That session was as entertaining as a boxing bout between two armless men”(After a game between Bangladesh and Zimbabwe where an entire session had gone with just 54 dreary runs scored at 1.9 per over, without a single wicket falling)

•”Fishing outside off stump will only net you ducks!”(After yet another new batsman had nibbled at the bait outside off and perished for zero)

•”He can’t even catch a cold today!”(On a slip fielder dropping his fourth catch of the day)

•”There are no goodbyes for a bad wicketkeeper!”(On Parthiv Patel letting another bye past his gloves)

•”He takes every ball bowled at him as a personal insult!”(On Shahid Afridi‘s hyper-aggressive batting ways)

•“His brain and his finger aren’t best friends!”(On why it takes Steve Bucknor so long to give a decision).

•“Proof that sometimes sound travels faster than light!”(About a batsman not seeing a bouncer till he heard it clatter on the helmet!)

•”He ran a perfectly judged marathon…….in the 100 m sprint final!”(On Sunil Gavaskar’s ‘epic’ 36 not out in 60 overs)

• “…perhaps it was because he was a connoisseur of fine legs!”(On Ravi Shastri’s penchant for the flick to fine-leg)

•”He who lives by the word dies by the word!”(When asked if his increasingly sporadic appearances have anything to do with channel honchos not taking too kindly to his Sidhuisms)

•”Power corrupts. Absolute power gets you elected for life!”(On Jagmohan Dalmiya’s new post)

•”Mathematically speaking, they are the square root of all confusion!”(On Duckworth and Lewis)

•”No amount of masturbation can produce a child!”(On how Lara’s often virtuoso performances don’t result in Windies victories, as the team doesn’t jell together)

•”It pays to be crooked!”(On Billy Bowden being one of the highest paid umpires in the world)

•”Old Confucious saying: He who takes time putting up his finger will have wet pants!”(Musing about how it must have bin for Steve Bucknor as a primary school kid when he had to lift his lil finger for ‘peepee’ permission)

•”He was the ultimate ‘all-rounder’ from whichever angle you looked at him” (When asked about his views on Arjuna Ranatunga)

•”I wouldn’t say he had a big mouth, but if he were a woman and he’d smiled, he’d have lipstick marks on both ears!”(On Sarfraz Nawaz shooting his mouth off every time he opens it)>/i>

•”When there are 11 engines pulling one coach, where can the train go?”(On the problems faced by Bob Woolmer in dealing with the highly individualistic players)

•“If ignorance is bliss, he’s attained Nirvana!”(On the Afridi phenomenon, and how he thrives because he doesn’t think)

•“He bowls a good slower one…..six to an over!!!”(About a young Bangladeshi fast bowler, who had been earlier described by Athar Ali Khan as a ‘young tearaway’, only to bowl at a top speed of 76 mph)

•”It may be nothing but hot air, but hot air, my friend, is what makes balloons fly!”(On a former cricketer’s comment that the new development strategies by the BCCI were just ‘hot air’)

•”For him, Test cricket was a game played between three important sessions: lunch, tea, and supper!”(On Merv Hughes’ girth and his love of all things culinary)

•“He doesn’t need to signal a wide…he just has to point at himself!”(On David Shepherd’s generous proportions)

•”When the take-off is longer than the flight time, either the aircraft is faulty or you are going nowhere in a hurry!”(On Shoaib Akhtar‘s take that he needs his extra long run-up to bowl, because he’s like an aeroplane which needs to cruise before take-off)

•”I have always thought making cricket entertaining was the job of the cricketers.(On the new ICC rules to make ODIs more entertaining)

•”Umpires certainly need technology to help them…we should start with a hearing aid for this one!”(On Bucknor turning down an appeal by Agarkar for a caught behind despite a thick, loud edge)

•”Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR firms!”(On how every other new kid on the cricketing block is being referred to as the next great thing nowadays)

•”If he’d run in any faster, his follow through would have reached the batsman before the ball!”(Reminiscing about Madan Lal’s fast and furious run up masking his decidedly slow-medium paced bowling)

•”The best way to hook a fast bouncer for six is from the commentary box!” (…as an aside to co-commentator Kirti Azad who was deriding Ganguly’s inelegant ways of coping with Shoaib’s thunderbolts)

•”He certainly bowls a decent Chinaman…the question is, can he bowl an Englishman?!”(When asked about the chances of Brad Hogg confounding the Poms in the NatWest series, a la Warne)

•”I don’t know about his ‘zooters’, but he seems to be practicing more on ‘hooters’ of late!”(On Warney having a mystery ‘Ball’ off the pitch)

•”Under Arm Slow Medium!”(As the ideal blurb to accompany Greg Chappell, whenever he’s profiled on TV)

•”Right Arm, Occasional Off Spin!”(On Saqlain Mushtaq’s overdependence on the doosra to such an extent he lost his stock ball altogether)

•”This surely must have been a rest day for manicurists!”(On how the 2nd Ashes Test had the most ‘nail-biting’ finish of them all)

•”Maybe their county should be renamed Humpshire!”(On the amorous adventures of the Hampshire twosome, Warne and Pieterson)

•”Whenever he opens his mouth, I think it’s just to change feet!”(On Sarfraz Nawaz)

•”He set rather low standards and consistently failed to achieve them!”(On Lankan umpire Asoka de Silva)

•”When you know someone swings both ways, you can’t let down your guard!” (On what his advice would be if he were the coach of the Aussies with regard to reverse swing by the English bowlers)

• “It’s easy to be a giant when you are among pygmies!”(Asking for a more realistic assessment of India’s performance…..against Zimbabwe)

•”You can’t judge a man by his disappearances!”(A cryptic hint about how there was more to it than met the eye, behind his (Sidhu’s) own infamous ‘disappearing’ act midway through an English tour)

•“He’s a real carefree guy – he doesn’t care as long as it’s free!”(On Sir Boycs’ legendary stinginess and love of freebies)

•The only length he has maintained so far on this tour is of his hair!(On Gillispie’s bowling form on the Ashes tour)

•Finally he has made a correct decision!(On the news that Steve Bucknor might retire soon)

•It’s very hard to get him run out. His tummy is already at the other end!(On Arjuna Ranatunga’s increasing waistline.

•His barber charges him $12 for haircut, $2 for cutting and $10 for finding them!(On Darren Lehmann’s bald plate)

•He has this thing in common with Michael Jackson, They both wear gloves for no apparent reason!(On the terrible wicket-keeping of Geraint Jones in a Test)

•Right-arm…somewhere on the pitch…if he’s lucky!(On Steve Harmison’s bowling last time he toured Australia)

•He reminded the world of his highest score of 500 in just three innings – although in the wrong order!(On Lara’s scores of 0,5,0 in the ODIs)