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Anil Kumble's press-conference: What he said, what he truly meant, and what he definitely didn't

A fun article that ascertains what Anil Kumble truly meant, and what he definitely did not during his press conference at Mohali.

Feature 24 Nov 2016, 16:16 IST

Earlier today, India’s head coach Anil Kumble addressed the media ahead of the third Test against England in Mohali. In the presser, Kumble, among various things, talked about the ball-tampering allegations on skipper Virat Kohli, the nature of pitch at Mohali, and the inclusion of Parthiv Patel in the squad.

So we decided to have some fun and tried to ascertain what India’s head coach truly meant, and what he definitely didn’t when he made some of the his comments during the press conference.

Note: This is just a humorous article, and does not intend to hurt anyone’s sentiments.

On ball-tampering allegations on Virat Kohli:

What he said 

“We are creating a mountain out of a molehill. There’s nothing in it.”

What he truly meant

”Virat can never use the residue of a sweet to tamper the cricket ball. He has never been fond of sweet things coming out of his mouth.”

What he definitely didn’t

”You don’t point a finger at the captain of the most powerful cricket board in the world. Don’t you have a family to feed? LOL.

On the Mohali track

What he said

“The Mohali track has gone a lot slower, compared to what it was in the 90s”

What he truly meant

“Slow pitch. Ashwin in form. Why is England even turning up to play? LOL.”

What he definitely didn’t

“I could bowl faster than Venkatesh Prasad in Mohali in the good ‘ol days.”

On India’s bowling in this Test series so far:

What he said:

“The bowlers have been brilliant, considering that they’ve bowled 200 or more overs in both Tests”.

What he truly meant

“I wish we could somehow play five Ravichandran Ashwin’s from the next game.”

What he definitely didn’t

“I hate crowded dressing rooms.”

On the inclusion of Parthiv Patel in the squad:

What he said

“Parthiv is a consistent keeper and batsman. He has been picked for his experience and keeping. We wanted the experience.”

What he truly meant

“Parthiv Patel being the second best keeper in the country clearly explains why MS Dhoni deserved a biopic on his life.”

What he definitely didn’t

“We went for Parthiv Patel because we support the ‘Child empowerment yojana’.”

On Rishabh Pant’s exclusion despite his brilliant performances in Ranji Trophy:

What he said 

“Rishabh Pant has shown what a youngster can bring in his batting skills. He has been doing brilliantly, but Parthiv was picked for his experience and keeping”, 

What he truly meant 

“If given a chance to choose between someone who looks like a 19-year old and someone who is actually 19, we’ll go for the former.”

What he definitely didn’t

“Modiji called me personally and requested that we select Parthiv Patel.”

On England’s young opener Haseeb Hameed:

What he said: “Haseeb has done really well for a 19-year old debutant.”

What he truly meant: "It’s not easy not match Cook’s strike-rate with all that young and raging hormones of a 19-year old.

What he definitely didn’t: “I support child labour.”

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