COOKIE CONSENT
Create
Notifications
Favorites Edit

Satire: ICC amends Kumar Sangakkara’s Test records

EXPERT COLUMNIST
Humor
11.78K   //    14 Jan 2015, 18:53 IST
Kumar Sangakkara
Kumar Sangakkara, a threat to the Big 3?

The ICC have reacted quickly today in an effort to quell the uprising of support to have Kumar Sangakkara labelled as a modern day great.

ICC CEO, apparatchik and ex-South African list clogger David Richardson was quoted as saying that the ICC had to move fast to avoid a cricketing crisis.

“Today, Kumar Sangakkara hit his 38th Test century at The Basin Reserve in New Zealand. While a great achievement in isolation, the ICC have been prompted to delve a little deeper to ensure we protect the sanctity of cricket’s records,” he said.

Richardson went on to explain that Sangakkara’s Test stats were bloated by playing less of the Big 3 nations: “Kumar averages over 58 for his career. But if you look at his record against the Big 3 being India, England and Australia, it becomes much lesser.

“Well, in the case of India, his average is 57.13. But you get my point. Against the countries that run and profit the most from cricket, he doesn’t do as well.”

The ICC chief offered up further explanation.

“Sir Donald Bradman never got to play against Bangladesh or Zimbabwe. He also never got to play at the SSC ground in Sri Lanka. Therefore, we were given a choice.

“We could posthumously increase Bradman’s average to something like 150 to recognise what he most likely would have done against those teams, or we could cut Kumar’s average down.

“We chose the latter as it was a little easier for the intern running our stats department,” he added.

After removing Bangladesh and Zimbabwe from Sangakkara’s stats, the ICC claim that his new Test average is more like 53.87

“We believe that an average like 53.87 is much more reflective of his performances overall. In fact, we then took 0.1 off it to ensure it was less that Sachin’s 53.78. Kumar Sangakkara’s new seasonally adjusted Test average will, therefore, now be 53.77 in perpetuity.  We don’t really care what he does for the rest of his career.”

The ICC also removed Sangakkara’s 9 Test centuries made against Zimbabwe and Bangladesh. This brings him down to the same amount of hundreds as Bradman.

“The comparison now looks better,” said Richardson.

“Not only is his Test batting average almost half of Sir Don’s, but Bradman has a Test bowling average better than Ishant Sharma and Sangakkara doesn’t.”

The ICC believe that this change now protects the legacy of Sachin, Ricky Ponting, Jacques Kallis and Brian Lara as the modern day greats.

“Sangakkara still has some records. For example, no other player in Test cricket history who has a double ‘k’ in their name has made as many runs or centuries. Kumar and Sri Lankan cricket can be very proud of that stat. It may never be broken,” the ICC said in a statement.

Kumar Sangakkara could not be reached for comment.

His manager said he was busy planning Sri Lanka’s future tours to ensure that England play more than two Tests against them in the future.

DISCLAIMER: This is a satire. Nothing concrete has been done to undermine Sangakkara’s greatness by the officials yet. Spirit of the game is apparently in action.

Topics you might be interested in:
EXPERT COLUMNIST
Dennis is possibly the world's most loved / hated cricket writer and serial pest. He hosts the "Can't Bowl Can't Throw Cricket Show" podcast which you can find on iTunes. He was once described by Kevin Pietersen as the funniest man on twitter, although KP now regrets that statement. Check out DennisDoesCricket.com for his unique view of cricket.
Fetching more content...