Satire: Alternate career options for Indian cricketers

It is January 7th, 2013. The Pakistan-India ODI Series 2012/13 ended with Pakistan sweeping the series 3-0. MS Dhoni was named Man-of-the- Series for not requesting for catered pitches and his three hundreds on the trot in a losing cause.

The public fury moved from the Delhi gang-rape to the cricket gang-rape, and this resulted in BCCI being dissolved. The team has been disbanded and all contracts dissolved.

Three months later…

With no chances of the BCCI being resurrected, the Indian players began a new innings. Let’s peek into their life and their new professions.

Gautam Gambhir - Contrary to his name Gambhir (meaning ‘serious’), Gauti has started ‘Anger Management Classes’. Special modules include ‘How to elbow your way out of an argument’ and ‘How to lip-synch praises while using ventriloquism for abuses’.

Virender Sehwag - Sehwag has become a budding author. He is currently writing a book – ‘Patience & Inner Peace’. Some of the finished chapters are -’Think twice before acting’, ‘How to make Prudent Decisions’ and ‘Captain is always right’.

Virat Kohli - Kohli has been offered a contract to play in Big Bash. However, the Delhite has refused to play and has signed a string of Punjabi movies. He said Gurdass Mann has been carrying the burden of the industry for over 20 years now.

Yuvraj Singh - In a staggering revelation, Yuvi told that he was a great follower of Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. “His teachings were the reason I survived cancer,” says Yuvi. Consequently, Yuvi has taken up ‘Art of Living’ sessions.

Rohit Sharma - Sharma was recently seen watching ‘Taare Zameen Par’. He realized that everyone is blessed with immense talent. Sharma has now dedicated his life in exploring talents in young individuals and bringing the best out of their abilities, irrespective of whatever Sachin says about them.

Suresh Raina - Raina had a grand coronation ceremony. He has been named the king of the ‘Kumaon region of the Uttarakhand state of India’. As a part of the ceremony, every resident was given a free DVD of ‘LOTR : The Return of the King’.

MS Dhoni - Dhoni has been hired by Bangladesh as the chief pitch curator. His first assignments include preparing anti-Australian and anti-South African pitches for the upcoming test series in Bangladesh. Dhoni has also been seen teaching kids with long hair to play the helicopter shot.

Ravichandran Ashwin - Following his exploits in test matches, Ashwin has been hired as the national batting coach by New Zealand. Ashwin is in talks with the Black Caps to hire him as their fielding coach as well. Ashwin’s latest article ‘How to return unscathed to the pavilion’ has been published in Wisden Asia.

Ishant Sharma - Ishant has been personally recruited by Jawed Habib. Ishant is expected to deliver seminars on ‘How long hair are no longer an occupational hazard’. This move is expected to inspire young Indians to be groomed by Habib himself. Sharma’s hairdo has become the next viral sensation of the nation.

Ashok Dinda - Dinda has been spotted at Indian Olympic Association’s office. He is expected to represent India at Rio de Janeiro Olympics in Long Jump event. “It is a proud day for my family,” said a sobbing Dinda.

Bhuvneshwar Kumar - Kumar has migrated to Pakistan. “It is the only safe haven where my talents will be intact”, said a confident Kumar. He will be trained by Wasim Akram. Akram said: “Our players in Pakistan are away from social and media buzz, lesser contracts mean more concentration on cricket. The boy is blessed.”