SATIRE: Curator reveals stunning Eden Gardens wicket

MS Dhoni wants a wicket that will assist turn from ball one. Gambhir wants an IPL-like wicket. The BCCI wants a wicket that will help India win. The ICC wants a wicket that will keep Test cricket alive. As pressure continued to mount, veteran curator Prabir Mukherjee lashed out at the demands of people in power, deeming it immoral. But for the love of his job and for the challenges that were on offer, he has come up with a striking Eden Gardens wicket for the third test.

Keeping the Indian culture alive, the curator has unveiled a wicket that has ‘Lakshman Rekha’ a few yards into the wicket in front of the popping crease. “Any ball that’s pitched ahead of the holy line will grip, turn and bounce making it unplayable for the batsmen. A few balls are also expected to just disappear. Jai Sri Ram”, said the curator speaking to the media.

The curator, who is a big Tendulkar fan, has advised the Little Master to stand a couple of yards outside the popping crease and force the bowlers to pitch the ball before the Lakshman Rekha so that the ball will come onto the bat nicely. “If he doesn’t play well even after this much help from me, I’m afraid he must retire”, he added.

To cater to Dhoni’s demands, the curator and his team decided to put on spikes and spot jog at various spots on the wicket for the last couple of days, creating rough areas even before the toss. The spots were decided after consulting the Indian spinners. However, the curator also mistook Monty Panesar to an Indian and ended up taking inputs from the English spinner too.

The pace at which the English bowlers bowled has troubled the Indians in the past. The BCCI wanted the curator to reduce the pace on the wicket and he has come up with an idea. Prabir Mukherjee has planned to release beetle ants on the wicket while the English are bowling. “The ball falls on the beetle ants that are considerably bigger in size and loses some pace. The ants then get smudged on the wicket and continue to take pace off the ball. This is a tried and tested method”, he says.

Reactions have been flowing in from the players and experts after the pitch was unveiled this morning. While Geoffrey Boycott dismissed the wicket as ‘roobbish’, Ravi Shastri came up with something very interesting. “It is just what the doctor ordered”, he said. BCCI officials in a secret meeting decided to reduce the ticket prices for Day 4 and Day 5 by 50 percent to ensure some ticket sales in advance, even if the match gets over in three days.

MS Dhoni said, “The curator has listened to me and not Gambhir. That’s more than enough. I don’t care how the pitch looks now”. He didn’t quite seem to agree that both asked for the same thing from the curator – turn. Among the ones who didn’t even come out to have a look at the wicket were Virender Sehwag, Kevin Pietersen and Harbhajan Singh. Viru and KP didn’t care enough, and Bhajji was more than certain he won’t play.