Satire: Daily routine of Indian cricketers

Is it 300 days since last haircut?

Ever wondered what cricketers do when they’re not playing cricket? Sometimes, we follow our cricketers so closely that we can in fact predict their daily routine. In case you can’t, worry not. Our undercover agents revealed the daily routine of some of India’s famous cricketers. Here’s what they do:

MS Dhoni: He gets up very late and has breakfast after everybody else, but just before the breakfast time ends, which is pretty obvious from his batting approach too. He would have asked Sakshi to punch him on his face and tummy in case he fails to get up in time, more so because he likes being the ‘punching bag’. He makes sure he showers as much love on Sakshi as he does on Jaddu. Dhoni often takes a walk in his garden, and is as upset with his gardener as he is with his curators. Sakshi and Dhoni always fight for the television remote. Sakshi then says, “Ok. Let’s toss a coin. Winner keeps the remote.” Well of course, everybody knows what happens next.

Suresh Raina: He’s up by 6 AM every morning and is in position to put in the day’s first dive as soon as the newspaper guy folds the paper and throws it. Of course, he catches it inches off the ground. Raina hates tall buildings, aeroplanes, birds, kites and tall men. That’s because he doesn’t like anything over his shoulder-height. His cellphone will usually be with his nephew, who accesses Twitter only. Raina goes to the shop in the next street and buys a cool drink. He insists on opening it himself. He believes he can be a world class opener.

Gautam Gambhir: He gives Sehwag a missed call every morning to wake him up, just like he does on the cricket field. He pokes all girls on Facebook like he pokes at balls outside the off stump. Gauti takes a picture of MS Dhoni and sticks it on his dart board and misses bull’s eye. He then watches a Shah Rukh Khan movie and worships Lord Narine (Narayana).

Harbhajan Singh: He has two ring tones. One’s ‘Singh is King’ and doosra, the ‘Son of Sardar’. He logs in to Google Maps and tries to find the guy who stole his passport. He sends good morning messages to MS Dhoni and Nita Ambani. His favourite movie is ‘Once upon a time in Mumbai’. Bhajji practices cricket with his mates near his house. The last time he took a wicket there was when the tremors of the Gujarat earthquake were felt in Punjab too. That was also the last time he turned the ball.

Virat Kohli: Looks at the clock, can’t believe it’s already wake-up-time. “B*******! F***,” he says, which is his first suprabatham of the day. Kohli believes in the principle – ‘A gaali a day keeps frustration away’. Kohli’s bathroom wear includes blazer and aviator sunglasses. Boy! Ever since he figured among the top 5 best dressed men in the world, his hair style and dressing sense have hit a purple patch. Virat has 19 servants at home, each of them has a Micromax mobile. Of course, what else would Virat do with all those Man of the Match awards he won against Sri Lanka? Virat also attends anger management classes every evening with Himesh Reshammiya and a few other Big Boss contestants.

Ravindra Jadeja: “Hum honge kaamyab … hum honge kamyab, hum honge kamyab ek din…” There goes his alarm. He gets up and checks if there are any new jokes on him that went viral overnight. Jaddu goes to visit a barber only once in 300 days. He loves scoring triple centuries, everywhere. He calls up his best friend, Rohit Sharma and talks about all the (un)cool stuff in this world.

Rohit Sharma: Even the alarm clock gives him an extra chance to sleep for some more time; such is the luck that precedes Rohit Sharma. His favourite movies are ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ and ‘Gods must be crazy’. He does Surya Namaskar for 2 minutes every day, even on match days when he goes out to bat. He owns a guitar that has more strings than his recent batting average. He is a stargazer, even during day time.

Disclaimer – The above article is a fictional account and should be taken with a pinch of salt.