Satire: MS Dhoni announces retirement from international cricket

PERTH, AUSTRALIA – JANUARY 15: MS Dhoni of India looks on during the after match presentations after day three of the Third Test match between Australia and India at WACA on January 15, 2012 in Perth, Australia.

While the whole of India and cricket fans across the globe were busy contemplating Sachin Tendulkar‘s retirement date, it was India’s captain MS Dhoni who shocked everyone by announcing his retirement from all forms of cricket with immediate effect. In an emotional press-conference in Kolkata, the World Cup winning captain said, “Well off-course, I was thinking about retirement for quite a while, and now I feel my days as a cricketer are over. I am 31 now and I am not getting any younger” said Dhoni rubbing the few strands of grey hair on his beard.

“Well you see, there has been a lot of work-load on me since I took over the reigns of Team India. Regularly asking curators to produce turners, walking out for tosses and post-match presentations, handling players like Sreesanth (chuckles), preparing for IPLs and CLT20s – it has taken a lot out of me, mentally as well as physically.” he added.

Dhoni, who scored just 40 runs in the two tests against England, said that he wanted to leave on a high as he had managed more runs in this series than the great Sachin Tendulkar, who could managed only 29 runs in two tests, “Well you see, Sachin is a legend, a demi-god, arguably the greatest played to have graced the game of cricket. So to retire knowing that you scored more runs than the God of cricket in your last series, is the proudest moment of my life.” an emotional Dhoni said.

When Dhoni was asked whether he would follow the footsteps of ex-teammates Saurav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid and join the commentary panel, to which Dhoni was quick to reply, “Pitch Please! Commentary are for bores. I want to become the chief pitch curator of India now,” Dhoni told the media. “I sense some people are not happy with my demand to have rank turners for home games, so I feel it is now time for me to take up the matter in my own hands. And if Flintoff can become a professional boxer after retiring, why can’t I become a pitch curator?” he said with a twinkle in his eyes.

LONDON, ENGLAND – SEPTEMBER 11: MS Dhoni of India hits out during the 4th Natwest One Day International match between England and India at Lord’s Cricket Ground on September 11, 2011 in London, United Kingdom.

Dhoni further said that becoming the head pitch curator will allow him to nurture young curators so that they never disagree with the future Indian captains, “You see, most curators lack the sense of nationalistic feeling required to be a international level curator. What we need are patriotic curators; ones who never talks ill about the Indian captains. I have quite a few plans in mind for the curators,” he said quietly mulling over making it mandatory for curators to watch movies like Swades and Lagaan before being appointed.

Following Dhoni’s footsteps, Suresh Raina and Ravinder Jadeja have also decided to call it a day from international cricket as they both think that their chances of getting back in team India are now over. Jadeja, who was busy playing for Saurashtra in the Ranji Trophy, was dumbfounded after hearing about Dhoni’s retirement. “How could he do this? Now how will get back into Team India? That’s it. I am quitting cricket” as Jadeja left the stadium silently murmuring expletives on Dhoni.

Dhoni openly admitted that he wasn’t in the best of forms for the last few month, “Frankly speaking, when you see a regular bowler of your side becoming more adept technically than you, you know your days are over. These days, Sakshi also keeps on advising to play with my bat and pad close together. Even my bat manufacturers have reduced the supply of bats to one per series, saying that is enough for the time I spend in the middle. Now that’s ignominious really!” exclaimed a furious Dhoni.

The twitter world was abuzz after Dhoni’s announcement. Manoj Tiwari tweeted, ‘Bye Bye BC! Glory days are here!’. R Ashwin seemed nonchalant about Dhoni’s decision, he updated his FB status to ‘Who cares? I was anyhow doing all the scoring lower down the order’, legendary batsman Sachin Tendulkar gave his best wishes to Dhoni and showed his excitement to play on surfaces prepared by Dhoni, Tendulkar said, “Best wishes, MS! Looking forward to playing on some true and even surfaces during the next world cup in sub-continent,” Meanwhile, Tiwari was quick to clarify that it was his nephew who wrote the tweet, and not him.

Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction and purely fun intended.