What goes through the mind of a bowler when studying AB de Villiers' wagon wheel

AB de Villiers Bhuvneshwar Kumar
AB de Villiers helped Bhuvneshwar Kumar register the third worst figures in ODIs

These are a few terms which AB de Villiers instantly evokes – dynamic, freakish and mind blowing. Some of his shots not only serve as a delight for spectators but also leave the bowlers perplexed. After intense discussion with the captain and field placements adjusted to pin-point precision, the South African batsman nonchalantly targets those vacant areas where fielders cannot be placed.

For example: Here is a glimpse of de Villiers’ wagon wheel during his record-breaking 44-ball 149 against West Indies in Johannesburg.

Now, let us take a look at five interesting thoughts that go inside a bowler’s mind when he goes through de Villiers’ confounding wagon wheel.

(Disclaimer: As you would probably guess upon reading the article, this feature is meant to be taken in a lighter vein and intended purely for humorous purposes.)

#5 Contact those two FBI Special Agents

AB de Villiers
Is he an alien who makes the bat do all sorts of things?

After spotting the lines creeping towards unprecedented territories or extending beyond the fence, the first thought in a bowler’s head would relate to de Villiers’ anatomy. Is this guy for real? Or has he come from another planet? Perhaps, a call to FBI Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully would help clear all doubts (for those who have no idea what I am talking about, google ‘The X-Files’).

Is there anybody better than them when it comes to dealing with aliens? However, it must be admitted that the duo never actually captured anyone from outside the planet. Then again, this guy de Villiers should make for a worthy first.

#4 Protest in front of ICC’s headquarters

AB de Villiers
Be it whites or coloured clothing, it makes no difference to this guy

If such a method to trap him does not come to fruition, there is always the possibility of launching a massive protest outside the International Cricket Council’s (ICC) headquarters to ban de Villiers from taking the field for possessing inhuman powers. But, there is a bigger issue here. Does anyone know where cricket’s governing body actually works (which in itself is an oxymoron) from?

Ah, yes. The organisation is based out of Dubai. Never mind the sweltering heat in the region or the accompanying perspiration, this has to be done somehow. It’s far better than sweating out in the field despite knowing that he will swat you to all parts of the stadium. When word gets out, there should be plenty of victimised bowlers touching down to involve themselves in the protest.

#3 Demand at least 23 fielders to cover his hitting zone

AB de Villiers
What can a fast bowler do when someone slaps the ball behind square leg

Under the existing regulations, there cannot be more than two fielders (apart from the wicket-keeper of course) positioned in the quadrant behind square leg. Considering the way de Villiers bats, even six fielders might not be enough to protect the area. Is there anyone else in the game who has the audacity to unfurl all sorts of sweep shots against a fast bowler running in at full throttle?

If ICC still does not feel the need to change the square leg field restrictions, then they certainly have to bestow bowlers with at least 23 fielders in order to cover de Villiers’ hitting zone with some of those allowed to stand outside the boundary. I assure you that this number is not an arbitrary one. It has been deduced after countless hours of analysing his wagon wheel.

#2 Can a case be filed under the ‘Prevention of Cruelty to Bowlers‘ Act?

AB de Villiers
Jason Holder and his West Indies bowlers can testify against de Villiers

If the ICC is unmoved by the fervent pleas, then the Supreme Court of India remains a viable option. You could ask, ‘why not go to the land of de Villiers’ birth?’ Seeing as India is the de facto home of cricket for all practical purposes and the country’s apex court has plenty of time on its hands to intervene in everyone’s affairs, the move should be a no-brainer.

Once the ‘Prevention of Cruelty to Bowlers’ (PCB) Act is incorporated into those myriad rules and regulations, he will be found guilty with numerous victims available to testify against him. Unlike the actual PCB, this one is filled with oodles of forethought.

Along with de Villiers, his Royal Challengers team-mate Virat Kohli can also be finally stopped. If the time-travel device is invented at last, one Viv Richards (the father of modern-day hitting) should be taken care of as well.

#5 Admit you can’t do anything but say ‘well played, mate’

Dale Steyn AB de Villiers
There is nothing else to do apart from applauding his freakish prowess

After all avenues to stop de Villiers have been exhausted, the poor bowler loses all heart and takes succor to the famous adage – If you can’t beat them, you might as well join them. By giving up the ball and working feverishly hard on the batting scheme of things, there is still a chance to salvage the career or whatever is left of it.

If the batting does not progress beyond Chris Martin level, there is only one option left. Understand the gravity of the situation and acknowledge de Villiers’ inconceivable talent. As Dale Steyn once found out after being repeatedly taken to the cleaners by his own countryman, you cannot do anything but applaud the guy’s freakish prowess in the end.

Extra Cover: What goes through the mind of a batsman struck on the helmet

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Edited by Staff Editor
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