When you’re talking about Manchester United in 2016/17, who’s the first name that comes to mind? Jose Mourinho? Zlatan Ibrahimovic? Paul Pogba? One name that’s been in the news a lot recently – mainly for bad the reasons, unfortunately – is Marouane Fellaini.
The Belgian splits opinion like few others – some fans believe he’s nowhere near good enough for United, and drags the side down when he plays, while others – Mourinho apparently included – love him for his all-action, crash-and-bash style.
One of the key factors in making Fellaini one of the Premier League’s most recognisable players? That wild hairdo. Throughout his time in England, whether it’s been for Everton or United, Fellaini has always sported his crazy afro, like he’s shoved his fingers into the nearest plug socket without a thought for his own safety.
Even when newspapers reported he’d had a trim, it turned out to be just a cut to a slightly shorter afro. When he dyed his hair blonde, it was simply the tips of his ‘fro that took the colour.
Fellaini’s hair is one of the most recognisable cuts in the Premier League since David Beckham’s ever-changing barnet. But should he change his style? I reckon so – it’s got to be time! And here’s five suggestions that he could go for.
#1 The Stone Cold Steve Austin
So, Fellaini is known for his heavily combative style on the pitch. I’m not sure that anyone really knows his true best position – is he a target-man in the box? An attacking midfielder? An enforcer in the tradition of Roy Keane role? Or simply a nuisance to the opposing team, like a Belgian Robbie Savage with giant hair? Regardless, nobody wants to play against the guy. Why? He’s a nightmare.
This year alone he’s picked up eleven yellow cards along with one red last week for headbutting Sergio Aguero; three of the yellows were for Belgium so his hardcore style isn’t contained to just the Premier League.
He’s definitely one of the toughest tacklers out there, but his hairstyle just doesn’t suit his rough style of play. Which is why he could take a leaf out of the book of WWE legend ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin and just get rid of the lot.
There aren’t many more intimidating visualisations than a pair of psychotic eyes staring out from a cleanly shaved head – just ask Martin Skrtel. If Fellaini could grow a nasty-looking goatee – not a trimmed Craig David style one of course – it’d work even better for him.
#2 The Zlatan
Okay, so maybe this wouldn’t be a good idea given Zlatan Ibrahimovic is one of Fellaini’s most famous teammates and it could come across like the Belgian simply ripping off the legendary Swedish striker. But with Zlatan on the shelf for a long time with an ACL injury – and perhaps not even returning to United – surely someone has to take the top-knot mantle. Why not Fellaini?
How would it work, you might ask? Zlatan is blessed with a beautiful head of hair that would make even prime David Ginola envious, while Fellaini’s curly mop just seems too unruly to ever be tied into Zlatan’s trademark man-bun. To that I say what else is grease created for? You can’t tell me a bit – or a hell of a lot – of lacquer wouldn’t allow Fellaini to straighten those curls and pull them up into a man-bun.
Close season is fast approaching and so it’d be the perfect time for him to grow his hair out. And think of the advantages, too – with streamlined hair like Zlatan, the headbutt Fellaini threw at Aguero would’ve been far more impressive – perhaps even as good as the one that Aguero’s countryman Ariel Ortega stuck on Edwin Van Der Sar at the World Cup in 1998. Long hair doesn’t immediately make you a wuss – just ask Zlatan.
#3 The Snoop Dogg
Some people will tell you that Caucasians sporting the corn-row look just isn’t right, like a weird kind of reverse stereotyping somehow that means if you have the tight braids, you’ve got to be a bad-ass gangsta rapper from the mean streets.
Those people would be wrong. Fellaini could carry off this look like few others because well, who would want to argue with the dude? Poke fun at him pre-game? You’d probably end up eating an elbow to the cheekbone during a corner, or wind up sprawling into the advertising boards during a particularly meaty tackle. To add, the streamlining effect would make him quicker. Maybe he’d put in less late tackles if this were the case!
Besides, the afro look doesn’t usually work on Caucasians, and Fellaini pulls that one off with aplomb. And to add to the argument, David Beckham once sported the corn-rows and nobody poked fun at him. Well, for the most part. The guy met Nelson Mandela with that hair! You can’t knock that. Fellaini as Snoop Dogg would be awesome. Just try to deny it.
#4 The Mohawk
Let’s get back to David Beckham for a second. When he first rocketed to stardom, some of his success was definitely linked to his hair. The beautifully blonde-streaked Brylcreem look basically netted him a Spice Girl, if you ignore the money and the football skills and everything else.
When it was time for a change, Becks clearly decided he’d like a more threatening look. So following in the footsteps of another character trying to look more intimidating – Robert de Niro’s Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver – Beckham took a walk on the wild side and shaved a Mohawk into his hair.
Beckham still wasn’t intimidating but Fellaini, on the other hand, could definitely pull off the Travis Bickle. After all, the haircut originated in World War II from soldiers who had been inspired by Native American warriors going into battle, and Fellaini seems to be ready for battle every time he steps onto the pitch for United.
Although his curls might make a Mohawk look a bit bizarre, it’d definitely be a radical change for Fellaini and one that would certainly make him a scary opponent.
#5 The Weeknd
Canadian rapper Abel Tesfaye – AKA The Weeknd – is one of the hottest properties in music right now and while he’s now shaved his head, he shot to fame sporting one of the wildest haircuts ever, a bunch of out-of-control dreadlocks sticking out from his head at all sorts of angles, tied up at times in a way reminiscent of a pineapple.
The haircut reminded me of Nottingham Forest legend (?) Jason Lee, who fans used to chant at for having a “pineapple on his head”. Fans from the 90s still remember the guy today and let’s be fair, it isn’t for his football skills!
As his legend grew, so did the Weeknd’s hair – but it actually started as a mildly growing afro, even smaller than Fellaini’s current look. With a bit of work (and probably a lot of product) it’s a look that Fellaini could pull off for sure and it’d make him the most unique looking footballer on the planet, would help him sell more shirts for United and if the sales really shot up, could net him a move to Real Madrid. Stranger things have happened. They once signed Tomas Gravesen!
In his massive hit, The Weeknd sang, “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you”. Sergio Aguero could’ve said the same after his recent meeting with Fellaini. You know it makes sense.
