The most star-studded encounter in the world of football is within our sights as Real Madrid take on Barcelona at the latter’s home. Fans are expecting yet another victory for Barcelona—something that has become the norm over the years—and all but sealing the title.
Clasico affairs aren’t your usual everyday games. The intensity of this game is unmatched and the star-power on show is even greater. Madrid have spent millions of Euros to assemble a squad capable of overthrowing Barcelona as the powerhouse of Spain. Barca, however, have resisted all that and continue to dominate.
One can remember the time when The Big Bang Theory was funny, but one certainly can’t recall a Clasico encounter where something interesting failed to happen. So here is a light-hearted/humorous look on the seven things that could actually happen in the Clasico.
Messi, Suarez and Neymar running riot
Once upon a time, life was an entity which consisted waking up in the morning, going to school and upon returning from school, logging on MSN Messenger and chatting with online friends. Right now, however, if the younger generation is asked about what MSN means to them, they will almost certainly say: Messi, Suarez and Neymar.
While Madrid fans would say that the older MSN was better—and why wouldn’t they?—the general mass of football fans absolutely love seeing the trio play together. And they have a reason for that.
What makes this trio of attackers so beautiful to watch is their telepathic communication level and willingness to provide for the partner in a better scope of scoring—something that isn’t visible in Madrid’s BBC, except for Karim Benzema.
Ever since their formation and then settlement, they have desecrated opposition defences more than auto-tune has defiled the purity of music. And Madrid’s defence was just another victim of their harassment.
In the Clasico at the Bernabeu, Real’s backline was blown out of proportion like most M. Night Shyamalan movies. MSN ran riot while the defence just watched helplessly. Even the great Raphael Varane couldn’t do what he did back in 2013—such was the cohesiveness of this unit.
As Barca take their eternal rivals at the Camp Nou, expect them to cause a lot of problems for an inconsistent Real Madrid defence.
BBC goals broadcasting
When these guys started off, the sense of optimism around the Bernabeu became as broad as daylight. And it was all justified.
In their first season as a trio, they won the most coveted tenth Champions League and the Copa del Rey. A glorious four trophies in 2014 pointed towards progress. With time, their understanding would get better and more trophies would find their place in the cabinet.
However, what turned out was the exact opposite of what was expected. A decline in the performances of Gareth Bale coupled with a midfield that lacked steel made Real Madrid trip in a very bad way. From four titles to zero titles, Madrid are yet to win a trophy after their Club World Cup triumph in 2014.
Right now, though, from the looks of it, all the three from BBC are in good touch and it would be interesting to see how they face a Barca defence that relies mostly on tight-knitted positioning while guarding the goal.
The only way for BBC to get the better of the Barca defence is to think about the team scoring than themselves—and that is the only thing that puts them behind MSN.
A Sergio Ramos red card
Most footballers come to play the game with the ambition to be a great player, someone who etches his name to the team’s history. However, for Sergio Ramos, the case is different. While the latter part about being a part of the club’s past stays in its purest form, how to get there depends completely on the player.
In Sergio Ramos’ case, he was born to get red cards for Real Madrid. Currently, he holds the record for the most red cards received by a Real Madrid player ever—something that he probably brags about to his friends.
In a world where violence is prevalent, Sergio Ramos sets an example on how to be as calm as a Shaolin monk by showing us what not to do.
There is no denying, however, that on his day, he is the best defender in the world, but those days come more rarely than a Daniel Day Lewis movie. What we get is a Ramos whose blood is pumping to see red. Against Barca, in a clash which is of high octane, there is a good chance that he would want to see his Christmas card early and hence, make a rash tackle or do something inscrutably stupid to send himself off.
*on Sergio Ramos’ birthday party*
Cristiano Ronaldo: “Hey, man, I bought you a Buggati as a gift.”
Sergio Ramos: “Thanks.”
Iker Casillas: “Here’s a photo album of the only moment we were alone.”
Sergio Ramos: “Thanks.”
Mesut Ozil: “Here’s a signed Arsenal shirt with my name on the back, you can wear this under your Real shirt in the next game.”
Sergio Ramos: “Thanks.”
Pilar Rubio (Ramos’ girlfriend): “Here’s a kiss for my darling.”
Ramos: “Thanks, babe.”
Random referee: “Here’s a red card you.”
Ramos (jumping with ecstasy): “OMG OMG OMG BEST GIFT EVER! THANK YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH!”
Dani Alves’ theatrics
The purpose of Dani Alves’ life is to play for Barcelona, dress up like a crossover between a clown and a hobo, and make derogatory remarks about Real Madrid. And, oh, make Greg Louganis insecure about his position as the best diver ever.
The Brazilian right-back is an integral part of Barcelona’s system. His incredible runs and attacking sense give Barca the width necessary to operate with freedom and smoothness. However, there is also another thing which makes him such a valuable asset to the Blaugranas.
When the going gets tough, they say, the tough get going. Not Dani Alves, though. He falls on the ground, clutching his leg while writhing in pain and agony that no normal being could bear.
The world is filled with grief and misery, with many people dying due to starvation and whatnot. And Dani Alves feels for them, hence he likes to show that he cares by thumping on the floor after the most minimal—and often, none—contact and rolling around the floor while weeping for those poor souls.
And he loves doing this a lot in El Clasico as it is a spectacle that is seen by millions of people worldwide--the single most powerful place and time for him to show that he cares.
Boos at Cristiano Ronaldo
According to Vedic texts, the reason why the river Ganges is filled with dirt is because the Universal Mother, Shakti, cursed her to be so. The reason for the curse is a long and interesting story that you could read by a simple click on Google, so I won’t go there.
What was the point of sharing this, you might be wondering. Well, Cristiano Ronaldo is someone who gets booed in every single stadium in the world—including the Santiago Bernabeu. Legend has it that in his past birth, he used to boo everyone and everything. As it so happened, he was passing by a sage who was in deep trance after being merged with the One.
As he loved booing, the past birth Cristiano Ronaldo started jeering so ferociously that the tranquility of the sage broke and he snapped out of the transcendence, leaving him fuming with rage. In an action of unspeakable wrath, the sage cursed him, “thou shalt be a footballer in the next birth and be booed in every single stadium you play, regardless of home or away.”
Cristiano, then, begged for mercy and the kind-hearted sage, instantly feeling sorry, said, “fine, you shall be the best player in the world for a certain amount of time until an Argentine comes and takes over.”
Obviously, the above story is a creation of my delirious mind, but the fact remains: Cristiano Ronaldo will get booed. Even the Madridistas at Bernabeu don’t spare him from it. The Cules at Camp Nou are always heard booing Cristiano Ronaldo louder than they cheer for their own team, such is the loathing of this man.
Why? Because he is rich, handsome, a great player, an undergarments entrepreneur, a vivid hair-gel user and, most importantly, he is Cristiano Ronaldo.
Live cannibalism
This term is associated with the Death Metal band, Cannibal Corpse. Every single one of their live concerts is labelled as ‘Live Cannibalism’ where they perform their own morbidly titled songs. In this context, though, the performance could be more literal.
Yes, by now, you might have understood who I am talking about—shame on you if you haven’t already—as it is none other than Luis Suarez who is capable of such terrible feats on a football pitch.
I remember my younger cousin being one of the most dreadful kids to handle when in anger. He used to hit anyone near him, pull out the hair of his elder sister, but the worst part? He loved biting. It was as though, in his eyes, the human beings around him metamorphosed to some delicious meal and taking a bite out of it became an absolute necessity.
Luis Suarez perhaps goes through, or went through, a similar predicament. At first, he confused Otman Bakkal for a Pannenkaoken, then he thought Branislav was a Serbian Pljeskavica and then, finally, his glutton for Pepperoni Pizza was ignited when he saw Giorgio Chiellini in front of him.
Ever since joining Barcelona, however, he has toned down his antics and hasn’t confused people for food. And that has done him a world of good. Since donning the stripes of Barca, he has gone on to another level entirely.
He is more focused on the football rather than riling up his opponents—something that has made this season his best ever one already. However, one can never write off a food lover’s craving.
If anyone of Real Madrid’s player does anything to set his temper off, he might once again get back to his former self and perform live cannibalism on the pitch. And in a clash as steamy as this, it could happen—making it the utmost Clasico of all time.
A spectacle
Barcelona might be superior to Real Madrid in every single department, but no matter how one sided this affair gets, it will always attract the viewer’s towards it, thanks to the star power they have.
One could easy pinpoint the top five players in the world today on the same pitch and at the same time—that’s what this clash brings.
With so many world-class players on the pitch, it is hard to overlook this match even if Real Madrid are 10 points behind the Catalans. Recent history of these clashes have seen the best of Barcelona, but don’t take Real Madrid for granted just yet—Goliath did that mistake and David made him pay for it.
Regardless of the result, we are going to witness an incredible game where both sides would attack from the word go. And that is what we would all like to watch.
