FIFA World Cup 2018: Jersey Edition
Browse around the weird tabs of the internet and you will find infinite playlists of the World Cup prediction. I will take the silliness one step further and predict the winner of this years football World Cup in Russia based on how good, bad or ugly (trust me there are ugly ones!) the national team jerseys look.
I will go deep into my fashion knowledge to break it down. Let's get on with it.
URUGUAY: They go all in on those really tight body hugging jerseys. Get ready for a lot of nipple action from Cavani.
EGPYT: Mo Salah is a Legend but your Jerseys are more like Sergio Ramos.
RUSSIA: The jerseys are not good, which makes sense. You ask how? Well, Russia is really cold and they spend most of the resources on sweaters and layering (Fashion lingo).
SAUDI ARABIA: Guys, your jerseys literally look like the white Nike undershirts. It ain't good Unless you are planning to play while wearing jeans and converse (Maybe wear those hipster hats too!).
SPAIN: Their jersey looks like flaming hot Cheetos. I like Cheetos. So... sure??
PORTUGAL: Ronaldo will be wearing it. How bad can it get?
MOROCCO: If the jersey was a food on one of those Gordan Ramsey show, it would have made great TV for us, not Morocco.
IRAN: It took me an hour to find their jersey. I failed. What's with all the teams going red or white. What happened to colours like neon, magenta (Love saying magenta, try it).
FRANCE: Great Home jersey and amazing away jersey. The away jersey looks like some famous painter drew some random lines all over but somehow looks great. FUN FACT: France is opposite of Russia, they barely wear anything.
You can play football wearing it, then take it off and celebrate after scoring. You can wear it out to a party and the girls would take it off (If you are a girl, guys would take it off too after they get your permission of course). France does clothing right.
AUSTRALIA: Clean and cool. You go to outback steakhouse wearing this and free drinks on the house (Probably not). PS: Love those green lines on the sleeves.
PERU: You wear the jersey and you will feel like Miss/ Mr Universe. If you are into wearing a sash and feeling good about yourself, Peru is your country.
DENMARK: The jersey doesn't leave a lasting mark like the name suggests. Too much red.
NIGERIA: Yes Nigeria! Nigeria is bringing the party to Russia. If Putin wore shirts, he would wear this. The jersey is anti- Mourinho, it's fun.
CROATIA: If you ever get bored of playing chess on those black and whiteboards, buy one of Croatia's jersey. If you have guest coming and don't have a fancy tablecloth, use this.
ARGENTINA: Classic jersey but I am more of a pop guy. If the jersey was a shirt, you could go to your dream job interview. If you have a black and white TV, you might confuse Messi with the referee.
ICELAND: Again, too cold of a country to care of shirts. I love Iceland jerseys with the jacket on.
BRAZIL: If you made some Hot Dogs and forgot the mustard, just stare at the home jersey. You will start tasting some dijon mustard. PS: sneaky good away jersey.
SWITZERLAND: The jersey has topography map printed all over it. If the plan was for the opposition to stare at it and get trippy, mission accomplished.
COSTA RICA and SERBIA: They have the same freaking jersey. Serbia and Costa Rica having the same jersey is like Ted Cruz and that annoying teenager both wearing Abercrombie and Fitch clothes.
GERMANY: Good looking Jersey. Everything doesn't have to be funny.
MEXICO: I Love avocados from Mexico. The jersey is green, just like those avocados I was talking about.
KOREA REPUBLIC: They used to have fun jerseys. What happened Korea? When did your jerseys become like the Samsung phones - Boring!
SWEDEN: The jersey colour resembles the colour of mustard after you add water to it. Remember those good old college days!
BELGIUM: It is different. Best jersey in the group.
ENGLAND: Poor guys can't win at anything. I think it is all Piers Morgan's fault.
PANAMA: Another red jersey.
TUNISIA: Another white undershirt.
JAPAN: I love the home jersey. It looks like a sixteen-lane highway on a blue shirt. Not complaining, just saying.
COLOMBIA: Shakira is Colombian. She would probably look good in this jersey.
POLAND: You will wear it if you are from Poland. Eh.
SENEGAL: Tight fit with a lot of nipple action. what happened to those fun yellow and green jerseys? I blame Mourinho.
What happens next? Here you go..
Let me go through some of the noteworthy match ups.
URU V POR: Battle of way too revealing jerseys.
BRA V MEX: Mustard vs Avocado.
SPA V EGY: Cheetos vs Flamin' hot Cheetos.
FRA V NIG: As good a final as that one season of True Detective. Alright, Alright.
Round of 16 to Final
Now go to Vegas and bet the farm, will ya'.
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