How to recognize a fake Barcelona fan
Note: I am a supporter of Barcelona since 1999 and I’ve seen all sorts of fans. Dont take offense if you are a true supporter of any club.
The thing about fans is that there are true fans and there are fake fans (also called Glory Hunters). So let me describe this incredible imbecile of a creature called the “Glory Hunter”.
Common name: Glory Hunter.
Species: Homo sapiens
Scientific Name: Fakefanus gloryhunterus.
This species is found worldwide. The Barcelona specific species is categorized as follows.
Sub species specific name: Fakefanus gloryhunterus barcelonii.
Habitat: Frequently found opposite TV that shows Barcelona match. Blends perfectly among most Homo Sapiens. Recognized by overweight and obese body covered by a Messi jersey, because he has never played a match in his life. Never found on football field, sports store or anywhere in the vicinity of a Real Football. You can find him in a shop selling jerseys or opposite the TV inhaling vast amounts of popcorn, watching mostly highlights and not live matches. Probably never owned a football in his life.
Behavior: Mostly recognized through swears about Cristiano Ronaldo and Real Madrid. Whines worse than a woman in the ‘times’ when someone says “Oh Barcelona didn’t play well last night”. Frequently accuses referees, players etc, never looking at own defensive lapses or poor game. Thinks that Tiki Taka is something you eat with your Pani Puri (along with dahi, pyaz and chutney of course) but never fails to sing its praises thinking it is the best in the world (I must say, I agree. Pani Puri IS quite awesome!). Unparalleled hate for Ronaldo. He says that Ronaldo is such a crappy player, he doesn’t even watch Real Madrid’s game! (Then how do you know if he plays so badly?). Real Madrid is, to him, a crappy club with no decent game or players, but has never seen them play. Thinks other teams only win against Barcelona due to flukes, and that Barcelona has never played badly. (Seriously? How exactly did AC Milan and Real Madrid thump us then?! It was bad playing from Barcelona, everyone knows it.) Believes Messi is the Son of God, Unbeatable, Invincible, Master and Magician (His famous trick would be his disappearance against AC Milan. Come on, every player has a bad day! Even Messi!). Mention Ronaldinho and they are like “Who? Oh he is nothing compared to Messi. Just another mediocre player” (Now where exactly did I keep that loaded shotgun and that shovel?). Thinks Messi scores every goal by himself, and Xavi, Iniesta, Fabregas, Sanchez and Villa are just display icons. Dont know much about Puyol, Pique, Alves, Alba, Adriano, Mascherano, Valdes, Pinto etc. They believe Messi can score against any and every goalkeeper in the universe (Did they Cech their facts?) And they keep mentioning Visca Barca after every sentence. But ask them to locate Barcelona on a world map and they probably locate it in the Swiss Alps, France, Italy, USA, or the middle of the Gobi desert. (hmm….. explains why you failed Geography this abysmally).
How to deal with Fakefanus gloryhunterus barcelonii?
Long term solutions include a heavy shovel and lots of remote land with a process similar to what we would do to a Justin Bieber fan. However it causes a lot of problems. Simpler solutions include showing a rude hand gesture and walking off, feigning deafness, blindness if you meet one online, or just not giving a damn. Verbal replies dont work, because Fakefanus gloryhunterus barcelonii takes verbal replies and turns it into verbal abuse. The best idea is to avoid such fans altogether!
Other species of Fakefanus gloryhunterus include:
Fakefanus gloryhunterus manchesterunitedae
Fakefanus gloryhunterus realmadridus
Fakefanus gloryhunterus chelseafanii
Fakefanus gloryhunterus manchestercitie
Etc. Etc. Etc. However I am more used to the barcelonii species.