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Humour: Secret IM found! Players argue over who is Premier League's best player

Manchester United v Everton - Premier League

Disclaimer: The article is fictional and is meant to be in jest. Any and all views are those of the author and not necessarily of the site.

Following are the excerpts from a top-secret IM between EPL stars.

[Wayne Rooney entered the conversation]

[Robin Van Persie entered the conversation]

WaynzWorld10:
right, let’s settle this. Who is the best player in the Prem, me or you?

RobinVanPerfect:
I don’t know

[Gareth Bale entered the conversation]

BoyScoutBale:
best in the prem? I think we all know it’s me, is it.

WaynzWorld10:
Do you have to do the Welsh thing even when you’re typing?

BoyScoutBale:
I can’t help it, is it.

[Ryan Giggs entered the conversation]

RedDevilGiggsy:
Bale, you’re not even the best player in Wales kid.

BoyScoutBale:
we both know that’s not true.

RedDevilGiggsy:
You were probably too young to see this goal I scored a few years ago. It was kind of a big deal. Here you go:

WaynzWorld10:
That is one hairy chest Giggsy
RedDevilGiggsy:
I’ll take that as a compliment.
WaynzWorld10:
It wasn’t.
BoyScoutBale:
Giggsy, you call that a goal? Try this, is it:

RobinVanPerfect:
Can you even get your foot up that high anymore, Giggsy?

BoyScoutBale:
lol

RedDevilGiggsy:
I was playing in the league when Bale was still in nappies! I’ve got so many medals I look like Mr T and Michael Phelps’ love child.  I’m a legend and a role model. Case closed.

BoyScoutBale:
oh you’re definitely a role model…by the way, how’s Natasha? and Imogen? They both good, yeah?

[Ryan Giggs has left the conversation]

[Frank Lampard entered the conversation]

WaynzWorld10:
OH HE WENT THERE!!!!!

BoyScoutBale:
If he’s gonna call himself a role model I’m calling him on it. I’m not like that at all. I don’t even drink. Fans can really respect me.

WaynzWorld10:
yeah, I try to get respect from the fans too.

BoyScoutBale:
you did NOT just say that.

FatFrank8:
r u kidding me, Wayne?

WaynzWorld10:
What?

FatFrank8:
How about this: “Nice to see your home fans boo you. That’s what loyal support is.” remember that?

WaynzWorld10:
Frank, why are you even here? This doesn’t concern you. Go back and sit on Chelsea’s bench.

RobinVanPerfect:
but make sure you don’t break it fat boy ;)

FatFrank8:
not cool guys

BoyScoutBale:
Now now, Frank deserves some respect. After all he did score that wonder goal against Germany in the world cup….oh wait…. ;)

FatFrank8:
I’d swear at you Bale, but you’d probably cry.

[Luis Suarez entered the conversation]

LuisTheHandshakeMan:
Guys, don’t you think I’m the best player in the Prem? I mean, I am leading the league in scoring this year.

WaynzWorld10:
HAHA! good joke Luis. that cheered me up….you’re not even the best player at Liverpool 

[Steven Gerrard entered the conversation]

WaynzWorld10:
speak of the devil

LuisTheHandshakeMan:
What makes Stevie better than me?

RobinVanPerfect:
erm, ability? 

WaynzWorld10:
Stevie has actually won something. You haven’t. Come back when you’ve won something kid and then we’ll talk.
LuisTheHandshakeMan:

Liverpool v Cardiff City - Carling Cup Final

RobinVanPerfect:
The League Cup…LOL! 

FatFrank8:
Isn’t the trophy made of plastic?

LuisTheHandshakeMan:
shut up!

WaynzWorld10:
yeah I think it is made of plastic.

LuisTheHandshakeMan:
I won the Eredivisie in 2011

StevieG4LFC:
Luis, you’re just making it worse.

WaynzWorld10:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The Dutch League?! dude….

RobinVanPerfect:
Mate, I’m Dutch and even I wouldn’t talk about winning that.

FatFrank8:
LOL. You’re such an idiot Luis.

RobinVanPerfect:
and a biter.

FatFrank8:
Like a dog.

WaynzWorld10:
a dog that hasn’t won anything.

[Torres has entered the conversation]

RobinVanPerfect:
Speaking of losers.

TorresElNino:
Hey! I’ve won the World Cup and the Champions League. BOOM! Beat that suckers.

RobinVanPerfect:
Yeah, but…

WaynzWorld10:
HAHAHAHA!

[Hatem Ben Arfa entered the conversation]

StevieG4LFC:
Nando, you’re nothing without me.

TorresElNino:
oh what and you’re the best player in the Prem are you, grandpa?

StevieG4LFC:
I might be.

BeninjuredArfatime:
Give me another year and I’ll do prove to you boys that it’s me.

WaynzWorld10:
Do you guys hear something?

FatFrank8:
all I hear is the sound of an ambulance being called :) 

RobinVanPerfect:
Oh snap!

FatFrank8:
exactly! 

RobinVanPerfect:
haha, I didn’t even mean that pun. love it!

Ben-injured-Arfa-time:
I hate you guys.

ArgentineAguero:
How have you not mentioned me yet?

[Rio Ferdinand entered the conversation]

LuisTheHandshakeMan:
how was Qatar Rio?

RobinVanPerfect:
did you get much of your ‘carefully planned rehab’ done while you were on tv?

ArgentineAguero:
lolololololol!!!

Ferdinand:
Whatever. I’ll play for England again, bruv. don’t sweat it.

FatFrank8:
if they even want you…

BenArfaMagic:
ha! because Ferdinand is not a very good player any more!

FatFrank8:
yes we all know what it means. idiot.

WaynzWorld10:
why are you still here Ben Arfa? 

[John Terry entered the conversation]

JT26:
GEEZERS!

[Rio Ferdinand left the conversation]

JT26:
I guess Rio still doesn’t like me then!

FatFrank8:
alrite JT

JT26:
I can’t stay long I got dinner plans.

WaynzWorld10:
nice. who with? Bridge’s missus?

StevieG4LFC:
LOL

JT26:
it’s not actually

TorresElNino:
who is it then?

JT26:
just this hot blonde scouser I met in Manchester a few weeks ago

FatFrank8:
nice

JT26:
yeah, she’s a bit of alright! anyway need to get ready. See you boys later!

WaynzWorld10:
a fit blonde scouser in Manchester….wait, WHAT?!?!?!?!

[John Terry left the conversation]

ArgentineAguero:
so can we now get back to agreeing that i’m the best player in the league?

RobinVanPerfect:
No. It’s obviously me. I’m winning the title on my own.

BoyScoutBale:
lies! I do more for my team than either of you.

StevieG4LFC:
I’ve been the best in the league for years…

[Thierry Henry has entered the conversation]

Thierry Henry:
you guys are cute :)

Disclaimer: The article is fictional and is meant to be in jest. Any and all views are those of the author and not necessarily of the site.

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