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Kai Rooney and the Deathly Snoods

If Kai Rooney was Harry Potter, if Old Trafford was Hogwarts, if football was quidditch and if only Tevez was Lord Voldemort….ah the list is endless, life after Harry Potter makes one search for an immediate alternative fantasy world to substitute the brilliant magical series. I found mine in football, don’t believe me? It is fantasy isn’t it?  If you look at  the 50 million pounds paid for Torres, the PFA award for Bale and the sacking of Carlo Ancelloti, you will understand what I’m trying to say here. Yes it is an outrage even in fantasical terms but it actually happened didn’t it?

Now in our fantasy world where Kai is the Protagonist and Tevez is the antagonist, anything is possible, like Kai can be a baby ogre and Tevez can be  a devilishly handsome prince of  Etihad.

Once upon a time there lived an Ogre family called the Rooney’s, a baby ogre was born to the couple one day. A prophecy was made that the boy who was born at the start of November will have the power to vanquish the Dark Lord. Thus our story begins……

Nineteen years after the botched murder attempt on him at Collar House Drive, Prestbury, the scar on his forehead burned bright in the dark environs of Manchester United‘s training facility at Carrington. The searing pain made him fall down to the ground, clutching the mark on his head with both hands. The full moon above, was the only source of light visible in that cold dark night. A hoarse voice resounded across the academy base “Kai Rooney, You have allowed your friends to die for you, rather than face me yourself. Come to Old Trafford to face your destiny.”

A flash of blue light shot upwards from the far North-East end of the facility and it illuminated the landscape below. A mark, bearing the face of what remotely looked like a man, with a grisly scar running down his neck from his right ear, sporting black frizzy hair with dollar signs in both his eyes, was emblazoned across the sky above.

He opened his eyes and saw a blue mark eclipsing the moon, painful memories rushed back to haunt him in sporadic flashes from his past.

He remembered the last time he saw that face, his father was sitting on the couch watching ‘Shrek forever after’ for the 100th time, his mother was on the phone talking with Stacey Giggs and Cheryl Cole, about Adultery Anonymous or something, when he entered through the dog flap from the back door. Without wasting time , he quickly sprang onto the couch from behind, digging his teeth into his dad’s skull, ripping the new scalp off his head before landing softly on the floor.

He spit out the bloody piece of skin at his mother’s feet, before she had passed out. He slowly moved towards his cradle and stopped a good three feet away from Kai. They had a bit of a staring contest before the creature blinked for a second. The creature was only a foot taller than Kai was. It lifted the hind leg to scratch behind its ear and barked at him. It spotted his dad’s match ball from the derby game in which he scored the winner with an over head kick, and kicked it towards Kai with all his might. It whizzed through the air with a whooshing sound before hitting him square on his forehead.

Kai woke up in a small room at the Bridgewaterhospital. Sir Alex Ferguson was starring down at him through his half moon glasses. “Was that a bad dream?” he thought

“How are you feeling today, Kai?” he asked.

Kai looked a bit wary about his surroundings and said, “Where am I gaffer?

“You were found lying unconscious at our training ground yesterday. Berbatov, our groundskeeper, brought you here to the hospital.”

Kai paused for a moment and said, “I saw the mark yesterday night, YOU-KNOW-WHO is here, he wanted me to meet him at Old Trafford.”

“Yes son, the creature has returned from the grave. We will be meeting him on the field in tomorrow’s derby.”

“Will I be starting for tomorrow’s game gaffer?” he asked hopefully.

“I’m afraid not,  Little little pea will be starting in your stead.”

“But I am the chosen one, I was the prophesied pro footballer to defeat the dark dog” he declared.

No you are not, you are just an Ogre with a little Nike styled tick on your forehead”.

“But gaffer I am….”Ferguson cut him off and announced ” No buts Kai, my decision is final. You will report for training tomorrow.”

Kai left the hospital early that morning in his tracks, with a backpack carrying his training kit. He reached the base 20 minutes late due to the traffic that day. He saw a tall figure standing on the touch line, wearing  a black suit with a United scarf wrapped around his neck , looking over the morning drills. The players were sweating out the fitness regime , as he changed into his training gear.

“You are late again.”

“I was at the hospital last night.” said Kai.

“That is no excuse for being late.”  said the cold voice.

“Your dog paid a little visit here last night. I thought you already knew by now what happened yesterday“. stated Kai with sarcasm.

“I serve United now and I run the things around here, so it is my job to know what happened to one of my players“,  he said seething with anger.

“Your loyalties might have changed now, you may now be the assistant manager of United, but old habits seldom die hard Mancini.” Saying that Kai jogged towards his team without even looking around.

It was match day, the crowds poured into the stands filling up the 85 thousand seater stadium to its brim. The next 90 minutes will decide the future ofManchesterwhatever maybe the outcome.

The final whistle, marked the end of the proceedings. Manchester United were beaten by City by a league record score of eleven goals to one. Tevez was declared the man of the match, but he did not seem to mind the commotion while he sat on field chewing the match ball. He later chased the match referee all over the pitch when the later tried to take the ball away from him.

Mancini later crucified Alex Ferguson in the press conference, blaming him for the failed tactics. He also pulled some strings at the board meeting and Glazer the sixth broke the news toFerguson that the board had unanimously agreed to sack him. Nearing almost a century, Sir Alex’s weak heart could not cope with the bad news and it failed him. Mancini was appointed as the new manager and he terminated Kai’s contract in his first day at the job.

Alex Ferguson had left Kai to inherit his famous hairdryer, a huge pile of pending fines to be paid to the FA and his twin sons Darren and Jason Ferguson. His lawyer handed Kai a sealed letter, written by Ferguson and addressed to him, and left the room.  Kai opened the seal to read the letter and found a tiny scribbling in the middle of the paper.” Find the seven snoods and destroy them.” it said.

He looked across the room and saw the two twins dozing in their wheel-chairs; he thought “this is so messed up“. He tiptoed to the door and quietly shut it behind him.

If you want to know how it actually ended, and why Mancini loved Kai’s mum Coleen, go watch the Muggle movie ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows’.

P.S It is just a work of fiction and harmless ramblings of an United fan. Kindly don’t crucify me for comparing Kai with Harry. Cheers!

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