Locker Room story leaked: Maldini came on as Constant (Satire)

Modified 21 Feb 2013

‘I’m ‘constant’ly up to my tricks! Get it?’

After a performance that has left everyone, including the Milan faithful, open-mouthed during the Milan-Barcelona tie, it has been come to our notice that Milan’s legendary defender Paolo Maldini came out to play disguised as left back Kevin Constant. The left-back was like a rock at the back against a rampaging Barcelona team as the likes of Lionel Messi, Andres Iniesta, Pedro and co. could find no way past him.

Maldini was apparently seen outside the San Siro before kick-off but strangely disappeared with what looked like Constant’s jersey just before the scheduled start. We contacted his wife later on to find out if he was with her during the match. Here’s what she had to say: “I saw him leave just before the match and when he came back he smelt strange. It was a strange mix of turf and Barcelona players, he also had some medal with him.

“I asked him where he had been and what the medal was for, he mumbled something incoherent out of which I could only gather a few words – water bottle, leather shoes, headphones and Marilyn Monroe,” she quipped.

Conspiracy theorists and are also abuzz that it wasn’t Maldini in Constant’s disguise, but El Hadji Diouf in Pedro’s which subsequently made Milan’s left back seem like a wall.

“Pedro was not at his effective best and his world-class touch betrayed him more than once, clear signs that it wasn’t him but Diouf who was playing,” a fan said before showing us a neatly compiled you-video of how bad the Senegal man was.

“Even Fabregas and Xavi struggled,” he went on, “but we have not been able to zero in on who were disguised as the Barcelona midfield champions.”

Die-hard Constant fans (whose numbers went up from 4, 3 of which included his family, to 45717) seem to be confident that their man had finally come of age and that this the the rise of perhaps the best left-back in the world. The also claimed that Milan will win the Champions League this season.

Constant was at a different level altogether against the 4-time Champions League winners, marking Pedro out of the game and often cutting in to thwart any of Messi’s runs. In a superlative performance reminiscent of the legendary Milan skipper, Constant’s immaculate timing and sense of positioning stood out.

An AC Milan player, on the condition that his name will not be used and that he is only referred to as the French centre-back, claimed that Constant also seemed like a totally different player during the half-time break.

The French centre-back claimed that Constant whipped out one of the finest half-time talks to the side and that their performance in the 2nd half was as result of the talk.

‘Shhh! I want to remain anonymous. Don’t tell anyone I scored from a bicycle kick.’

Now that Maldini is back to cooling his heels, no one knows where the real Kevin Constant is but Galliani and Berlusconi have already been seen intensely planning on how to fit Andriy Shevchenko in as Pazzini.

Published 21 Feb 2013
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