Satire: Mario Balotelli completes Liverpool move, updates his diary

Check out my new red shirt

As somebody said, “He shoots darts, he’s allergic to grass, but when he plays, he’s effing class”. Meet Liverpool’s new number 45 - Mario Barwuah Balotelli.

Without further ado, let me present to you, a piece of his diary, hurriedly written as soon as his transfer to Liverpool FC was confirmed.

Dear Diary,

I know I’ve kept you under a rock for the past couple of years, because, nothing really interesting was happening in my life. No fireworks, no being as rich as I was earlier, no encounters with team-mates – just concentrating on scoring goals. That was the calm, serene life I had always wished for.

Until, things started to unfold really quick during the week gone by.

Now, I’m back in the Premier League, joining a huge club called Liverpool. They wear red, just like my former club. I’ve got to set up my wardrobe a little more carefully from now on, removing the black striped shirts as and when I see them. It’s a club I’ve always dreamed of playing for, particularly when I was a child. They have a phenomenal history, and I can’t wait to be a part of it.

Why Liverpool?

So, my friend Wonka asks me why Liverpool. That’s because, nobody else wanted to buy me. I am a walking gamble they said. Blimey, what if I did something stupid? For example, I would have loved to join my favorite coach Jose Mourinho at Chelsea, who was desperately pursuing a striker. Instead, they signed a one-season wonder named Diego Costa. Even Daddy Mou didn’t want to put faith in me. I even wanted to play as a second choice striker for him. But the offer didn’t arrive. What if I ended up messing all his grand plans? I liked working with him, even though he’s strict, and wants you to do everything his way. Genius though he is, shifting all the media attention onto himself rather than the squad every now and then, it would have been unfair to not let me have some fun with the media as well. Somewhere down the line, I felt our attitudes had major differences.

The next part, about the so called gamble that is Mario. They made an awesome four phrase poem about darts, grass and me. That summed up everything I’ve been famous for. And then, there’s this story. On one of my Inter Milan days, I was booked before half time. Mourinho apparently spent fourteen of the fifteen minutes half-time talk exclusively with me, instructing me to be careful. When the game kicked off again, I was sent off within two minutes. That’s how unpredictable I am.

Getting back to why Liverpool, it is an honour as I said. Out of nowhere, they almost won the league last season. I can still sense the buzz around this place, relishing the prospect of another title challenge.

I’m sure we’ll win the a couple of trophies this season, because, I’m on board now, and a little bored as well. The Milan clubs were gradually declining into mid-table clubs, and hence, I needed to move. Even on the international scene, my country exited the World Cup in the group stages. I was losing motivation.

That’s how passionate I am (was?). What was the point in carrying on when the chance to show off something (other than muscles) for your efforts were minimal? The experience of winning a couple of trophies with Manchester City seemed so long ago. I was only a kid then. I was getting desperate to rekindle those memories, to get back to the land where it all happened. For providing me with this opportunity, I am forever grateful to Liverpool.

The opportunity to work with Steven Gerrard is another reason why I am over the moon. Our captain is a role model, immortal at this club, one who is religiously followed and one who leads by example. So when he slipped up last season, the whole team promptly followed his example during the next game. When he was in tears, so was the club. This was the team spirit I was searching for. Now, he needn’t worry too much. I will make sure he’s a Premier League champion ASAP. #DoItForGerrard #GerrardDeservesPremierLeague

What, or who, clinched the deal?

Luis Suarez is the man. For documentation sake, here’s a short telephonic conversation I had with him last week.

Me: Hey Luis! How’s Catalunya? Met Messi yet?

Luis: Hey Mario! Yes, I have, and I’ve got to say, he’s too good. That’s how the entire squad is too – world class. I heard you are joining Liverpool. Best of luck!

Me: That’s true Luis. Can you give me insider information about Liverpool? How did it feel like, playing for the Kop, for Brendan Rodgers, under Steven Gerrard?

Luis: I was expecting this. By the way, Daniel Sturridge had called me today, mourning the so-called SAS project. I felt so bad for him that I wanted to bite him. Rickie Lambert had also called, under the illusion he was my direct replacement. How can a journeyman veteran replace the great Suarez? It sounded outrageous. But you Mario, I feel you are good enough to carry on my work.

Me: I could even end up being better than you Luis. So, how does one succeed at Liverpool?

Luis: A good first impression always helps. Score on your debut, and don’t do anything stupid, for the first few weeks at least. That way, you will win over the fans. Then, you can do whatever you want. See what I did? I scored lots of goals when I came in, but got into a race row. Then, I bit an opponent, celebrated a derby goal by diving in front of the accussing manager, and stayed put despite a 40 million plus 1 pound bid. (pauses) But ultimately, what counts are goals. If you score enough goals, your antics can be tolerated. But from my personal experience and knowledge about you, I’d advise you to stay out of trouble. Henceforth, promise that you will not burst fireworks at home, or say “I’m rich” to police officers. And lastly, if you get a game against Norwich City, say hello to them from my side. That would be enough to win you the game!

Me: Wow! Good advice, my friend!. I keep getting the feeling I didn’t score much at City. I hope to change that in red. With the way your old team plays, goal scoring looks like it could be easy. Hope to meet you one day, Luis. Half-legend of Liverpool FC!

Luis: Good luck Mario! If Liverpool needs an enigma, it’s you! It’s always you!

Mario Balotelli’s epic celebration in the Manchester derby, 2011 – Why Always Me?

Luis, to me, sounded like Gareth Bale. Spurs sold the Welshman last year and bought half of their current squad with that money. At Liverpool, I am experiencing the same feeling to some extent, since I’m their ninth signing of this summer. I hope to keep Lazar Markovic and Rickie Lambert out of the equation and form a potent partnership with Daniel. The ‘BS’ partnership they could call it! I can’t wait!

Conclusion

During my stay in Liverpool for the foreseeable future, I aim to win the Premier League. I plan to improve, more as a person than as a player, since they say I’m already so good ! I hope I can restrain myself from getting into fights, be it on the training ground, on the pitch, or in public.

My standard for measuring success at this club would go thus, in ascending order: Carroll, Torres, Suarez, Fowler. I hope to clear at least the first two levels.

It’s time to sign off now, to hide my diary again. Hopefully, I won’t have to pour my emotions onto it in the future. Be it for celebration, to express deep thought, or anger. I’m a striker and I’m paid to score goals. I don’t celebrate them.

Who celebrates doing their job?

I am Mario Balotelli, Liverpool’s new 45, and here’s a teaser of what I can do.

Fireworks coming soon!

Disclaimer: The above account in the player’s diary is only a figment of my imagination, and bears no relation whatsoever to the player’s original one if such a thing exists. Please take it in jest.