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Yes, Yes, the Academy Awards are the bomb, as the kids say these days... but imagine if one day the men in suits at FIFA woke up with the revelation that the same can be reproduced in an All-Star ceremony in Zurich-Berg, district 7, Zurich. We’ve taken it upon ourselves to go ahead with this brilliant imaginary hypothesis and bring to you the Football Oscars, 2017
#10. Award for Best Goal – Mohammed Faiz Subri
FIFA’s already given this out in their gala BEST Awards ceremony, and it’s hard to argue with their choice. Mohammed Faiz Subri stunned the Bandaraya Pulau Pinang Stadium, and later the whole watching world, with a stupendous free kick that started off normally enough before swerving like a drunk driver all the way over to the left of the goalkeeper Mohammed Nasril Nourdin, who hadn’t the faintest clue as to what was going down.
#9. Award for Best Dialogue – Cristiano Ronaldo
This one was of the pitch and happened at the aforementioned FIFA BEST Awards ceremony. Cristiano Ronaldo walked up to the stage, accepted his award with all due grace and thanked everyone associated with him before he delivered the best dialogue of the year:
“I'm just very happy. I'm sorry some people from Barcelona aren't here, but that's understandable.”
Just can’t resist a dig at his ol’ mate, can he?
But running him close was Zlatan Ibrahimovic. When asked if he could sense something special was happening at Manchester United, he replied...
“I came, that’s special”
#8. Award for Lifetime Achievement – Carlo Ancelotti
There was tough competition for this award, what with Arsene Wenger completing his 20th year in charge at Arsenal and the super England duo of Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard having officially retired over the course of the year, but our award for lifetime achievement goes to the incomparable Carlo Ancelotti who recently completed his 1000th club game in charge.
And his team celebrated the achievement with an 8-0 thrashing of Hamburg
#7. Award for Best Original Screenplay – Leicester City, champions of England
Seriously, how can anything even come close?
For the uninitiated, this should fill you in: Leicester City’s glorious summer: Celebrating the greatest sporting tale of the decade
#6. Award for Best Costume Design – Roma Away Jersey
Forget the elaborate designs and amazing ‘aerodynamically-technically-advanced’ jerseys emblazoned with logos of corporate giants that dot the modern football arena. Roma’s pure white away kit is a throwback to an earlier period with it’s neat, clean, lines. Without a sponsor on the front of the shirt, Rome’s standard – Lupetto – gains centre-stage and is the most predominant visual marker on the entire jersey.
Bellissima.
#5. Award for Best Picture – Brazil vs Argentina
Note – Instead of going for Leicester’s Story once again; we’ve taken just one match and the story behind that for this award.
The last time Brazil turned up at Belo Horizonte, the score read Germany 7: 1 Brazil. It broke a nation’s heart – football is Brazil, and Brazil is football, and this reality check was just too much to handle. So when Neymar and co. walked out onto the pitch to face the great Leo Messi and Argentina in a World Cup qualifier on the same pitch, the people of Brazil held their collective breath.
That’s when Neymar Jr. decided to take things into his own hands and inspired a virtuoso team performance that knocked Argentina off their feet and cemented their status as the best team in South America (at the moment)
#4. Award for Best Drama – Lionel Messi
From a happy beginning of the year to an incredibly sad intermission scene, to a farcical beginning of the second half all the way to a brilliant conclusion – all via a ridiculous blonde hairstyle – the Lionel Messi saga had it all.
He won the double with Barcelona, before inspiring Argentina to the final of the Copa America Centenario – where he then proceeded to miss a crucial penalty in the shootout. This led to a massive backlash in his home nation, and Messi sensationally quit the national team, citing the inability of AFA to do anything systematically as the main reason behind the decision.
A month later, he rescinded the decision and came back to put on the Albiceleste jersey and then played brilliantly in the World Cup qualifiers – especially the crucial match against Bolivia. He’s also single-handedly keeping a shoddy Barcelona outfit in the title race against a rampant Real Madrid.
#3. Award for Best Director – Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha/Claudio Ranieri
It was a two-man act that gets the award. Claudio Ranieri pulled off arguably the greatest sporting tale modern sport has ever seen with that amazing Leicester victory. It’s already been talked about so many times that everyone knows everything about, and that’s already got the award for original screenplay.
The award, though, has to be shared with doing completely ruthless (and loco, in my opinion) owner and Duty-Free king-pin Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha for going the next level and turning a fairytale into an absolute horror movie by killing off the happy ol' uncle character. It's like Sher Khan came on screen and ripped Baloo's neck off.
#2. Award for Best Supporting Actor – N’Golo Kante
Two-thirds of the planet is covered by water, the other bit is covered by N’ Golo Kante. Well that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but the diminutive Frenchman has been incredible for Leicester (where he managed to make Danny Drinkwater look like a real midfielder) and for a Chelsea team that looks nothing like their 2015-16 season.
You want a stat to absolutely prove this beyond any reasonable doubt? He’s got the most interceptions in the past three seasons of the Premier League. He’s been there only for two.
#1. Award for Best Actor – Cristiano Ronaldo
2016 was the year of Ronaldo, and while pure acting has to go to Neymar (I’m sorry, but the man’s diving is on a whole different level) or Joey Barton (for tweeting that players who simulate and cheat should get bans, and then doing exactly the same thing against wee Lincoln City) there really can be no competition. From inspiring Real Madrid to victory in the UEFA Champions League (un Decima) and the FIFA Club World Club while he did something that even Messi hasn’t been able to – captain his home country to a major trophy. Euro 2016 is arguably the man’s greatest triumph, and for that the Oscar goes to....
Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro
