Satire: Footballers cast as movie stars

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and is not be taken seriously.

In a recent development that has shocked both the entertainment and the sports industry, five of the world’s top football players have quit their jobs as they’ve been cast into the sequels of five well known movie franchises. Here is a look at the players who have completed this perplexing change of scenery:

1. Pepe – ‘The Terminator V’

Képler Laveran Lima Ferreira – better known as Pepe – has been cast into the new movie from ‘The Terminator’ franchise, due to be released in May 2014. CEO of distributors Warner and Columbia announced this shocking development on the company’s website. The statement said that the Real Madrid defender would replace the retiring Arnold Schwarzenegger as ‘The Terminator’ because of the similarity between the latter’s on-screen characteristics and the former’s on-field behavior. Honestly, the role would suit Pepe as he is one of the world’s most feared players on the pitch and is the most likely to cause a career-ending injury.

It isn’t hard to imagine Pepe clutching a massive machine gun and kicking some serious a** on screen while protecting the leader of the ‘Resistance’ – John Connor (Christian Bale) in his fight against Skynet. Pepe expressed his excitement about meeting Christian Bale on his official Twitter account, referring to the actor as ‘Batman’. Pepe could also bring a level of mystique to the character of ‘The Terminator’ that Arnold Schwarznegger did so well over the course of the four movies.

2. Wayne Rooney – ‘Shrek V’

Manchester United star Wayne Rooney is set to take up the role of the friendly neighbourhood green Ogre in the fifth and final film set to release in December 2013. DreamWorks Animation tweeted about this strange development on their official Twitter account. Friendly and smiling most of the time, the striker does throw the occasional temper tantrum on the pitch, not unlike Shrek. Rooney is also known to make United tick as he is one of the most hardworking players on the pitch with a great work rate, much like Shrek who, as the lead character in the movie franchise, does take the initiative and will do anything to restore peace to the village. The duo also hate to be bossed around, will do anything to see their team end up victorious, hate to be on the losing side of things and tend to perform extremely well under pressure. The star striker, in his decision to quit United, did manage to annoy Sir Alex Ferguson to the extent that the gaffer gave him the ‘hair-dryer treatment’ on National television. Unperturbed, Rooney walked out of Old Trafford with a smile on his face and a skip in his step.

3. Cristiano Ronaldo – ‘Forrest Gump II’

Real Madrid star Cristiano Ronaldo is all set to star in Robert Zemeckis’ sequel to the Academy Award winning movie ‘Forrest Gump’, set to release in January 2014. The director announced this perplexing development on his official Facebook page. He stated, ‘In the sequel, Forrest has evolved from a long distance runner to a sprinter, and any man who can run 90 meters in 9 seconds is good enough for me’. It was also revealed that the movie will be set at the bus stop in front of the Santiago Bernabeu. Ronaldo too was delighted at this and expressed his desire to begin shooting as soon as possible on his official Twitter account. The idea of watching one of the best footballers in the world take on the role of Forrest Gump may sound ridiculous, but I, for one, cannot wait for the release of the film. The actor took the initiative and met with the former Forrest Gump – Tom Hanks. The Academy Award winning actor spent an hour with the Real Madrid star in the coffee shop opposite Jose Mourinho’s house. The manager joined them for a while as he too will be leaving Madrid at the end of this season. Can Ronaldo add an Academy Award for Best Actor to his shelf which already holds a Ballon d’Or?

4. Sergio Busquets – ‘The Mask II’

Barcelona star Sergio Busquets is set to replace Jim Carrey in the sequel to the 1994 American comedy film ‘The Mask’. Director Chuck Russel announced this shocking piece of news on his official website. The statement read, ‘I’ve seen Sergio acting on the pitch. He is absolutely fantastic and is the only one who can match the hysterics of Jim Carrey’. The statement was not greeted well by the Barcelona fans, but it did delight Busquets. The excited footballer even wrote to director Russell in a bid to join the team of scriptwriters and producers! The news wasn’t received well by manager Tito Vilanova who recovered immediately from his lung disease and was seen rushing to Busquets’ house in a bid to discourage the sudden change of plan. Director Russell does have a point, though about Busquets being the only man in the world who can even hope to match the charismatic Jim Carrey, doesn’t he?

5. Lionel Messi – ‘Harry Potter VII Part III‘

Barcelona prodigy Lionel Messi is set to be cast as Hogwarts hero Harry Potter in the third part of the seventh and final movie of the franchise, set to release in February 2015. Director David Yates announced this development on the Warner Bros Pictures’ official Twitter account. The tweet read, ‘Lionel is a magician on the pitch and we’re sure that he’ll be magical on screen as well. We are very excited and can’t wait to begin shooting’. It will be interesting to see how the Barcelona star fares on screen. I have a feeling the role of the boy wizard will suit him extremely well because of the similarity between the latter’s style of play and the former’s role on screen, both involving insane amounts of magic. Lionel too was excited by the change of scenery and tweeted how nervous he was about meeting Emma Watson! Rupert Grint, who plays Ron Weasley, on the other hand, didn’t feel good about this new development and said that he felt that Lionel would threaten his relationship with Emma!

These five players will be sorely missed in the world of football. But can they make it big in Hollywood and take their fame to a whole new level? Only time will tell.