Satire: UEFA to consider DRS; BCCI appeals

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and is meant to be in jest.

In the aftermath of Nani‘s sending off in the crucial second leg of the Champions League encounter between Manchester United and Real Madrid at Old Trafford, UEFA has decided to consider the use of Decision Review System or DRS in the matches in the forthcoming ties of the Champions League.

UEFA president Michel Platini announces UEFA’s decision to consider DRS to avoid controversy in the future.

Speaking to the media, President of UEFA, Michel Platini said, “In light of the incident that involved Manchester United’s player Nani being sent off, we are strongly looking at implementing a Decision Review System in the Champions League effective immediately. This is because of the public outcry that we have seen with regards the decision.

“Now, you’re probably wondering how we are going to incorporate elements like the ball pitching in line and going on to hit the stumps in football. Fortunately, we footballers do share terms in common with cricket. Hence, the ‘ball’, the ‘pitch’ and the ‘line’ are all in common; so too is the ‘hit’. And if I am not mistaken, it was precisely for the ‘hit’ element that Mr. Nani was sent off.

‘”Hence, we have decided to use a DRS that is not only far more advanced than the one used in cricket but also far more robust. As a result, we have decided to incorporate psychological elements into the DRS as well. With respect to this, the fourth official will now carry a portable lie detector, which will be brought on to the field of play in case a decision is referred. What then happens is that the player in question will be subjected to a test on the spot with regards him actually having any malicious intent. If the test reports a positive result, then the player will be deemed to have no intent at all, and the red card will be rescinded. However, if he fails the test, he will be sent off and the game will continue as it were.

“However, we at UEFA are also acutely aware of the sometimes not-so-reliable results of these tests and hence, the player/team in question will have one right to appeal against the lie detector. In this case, a UEFA approved psychologist will be called on to the field of play and the player in question will be subject to a psychological evaluation. In fact, since we readily have medical stretchers at all games, these will serve as makeshift couches for the evaluations. This is to ensure that the patients (read: players) will feel just like they are in the psychologist’s office. We at UEFA are extremely thorough and are proud of it.”

Never one slow to react, the arch nemesis of the DRS, the BCCI, has issued a statement condemning this latest move by UEFA: “The BCCI will not be privy to such underhand moves by UEFA in trying to go behind the BCCI’s back to implement DRS. We have always and will always be against the system, and nothing can change that. Continuing with the tradition, we oppose this DRS as well. The system has been proved to be less than 100% reliable, and hence the BCCI cannot possibly stand for it. The BCCI always believes in certainty and that is a fact.

“The BCCI has decided to take the matter up with the ICC and will actively oppose the DRS proposed by UEFA in the next ICC meeting. In case you are wondering, yes, the BCCI does have the jurisdiction to operate over and beyond its mandate, and that includes football as well. The BCCI cares deeply about world sport, be what it may.”

The statement included a footnote: ‘Hawk-eye! Forsooth!’

A reply from UEFA is awaited.

Footnote: The BCCI mentioned here is the Bored Cricket Cavemen International, a body that routinely rubbishes rubbish. Of course, you knew that now, didn’t you?