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SATIRE: Why Ronaldo should win the Ballon d’Or

This year’s FIFA Ballon d’Or promises to be a tightly contested affair between Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi. Many people may feel that Andres Iniesta may also have a chance, but I am pretty confident that the tiny Spaniard who got married this year (but didn’t invite the great Sepp Blatter) stands no chance.

I can probably list 185,039 reasons why Ronaldo deserves to win the Ballon d’Or and in fact, why the Portuguese is a far far better player than Lionel Messi, but as you guys don’t have that much time or patience, I’ll list just a few.

Even Lionel Messi won’t vote for Lionel Messi

When the Argentine himself feels that he doesn’t deserve the Ballon d’Or, then why should we even bother with him? Ronaldo on the other hand clearly said ‘If I could, I’d vote for myself.’

Messi still hasn’t done it on a cold December night in Stoke

Lionel Messi still hasn’t managed to do ‘it’ in England (he did score in the 2011 Champions League final, but that was a warm summer day). Also, he has never faced Rory Delap’s bullet throws. But Ronaldo, thanks to his days at Manchester United, has done it all and won it all.

Messi hasn’t/can’t change his hairstyle during the game

Against Germany, Ronaldo changed his hairstyle during half-time. He changed his hairstyle in 15 MINUTES! Messi can’t change his even if he takes whole day!

Euro 2012 – Messi – 0 goals, Ronaldo – 3 goals

The great Messi (apparent heir to Maradona) couldn’t even manage to find the net once in the whole tournament. Whereas Ronaldo, even though he played with a poor Portugal team full of players playing in Lisbon City’s 4 division, struck thrice and dragged his team single-handedly to the semis.

Girlfriend

Even the staunchest of Messi supporters would agree that Ronaldo’s girlfriend is many times hotter than the Argentine’s. If you don’t agree, please check it out yourself.

My girlfriend hotter than your girlfriend!

Ronaldo’s bum is better than Messi’s right foot

Have you ever seen Messi take a first touch with his right foot? He doesn’t do that because his right foot sucks. But against Atletico Madrid a couple of seasons back, Ronaldo used his bum to lay the ball for his team-mate perfectly. Even years of training in La Masia can’t teach you something like that.

Diving

These days diving in football is as important a skill as finishing, dribbling, passing, tackling, etc. Football Manager 2014 is rumored to have included this attribute in all Player profiles. Let’s have a look at what rating each player will be given:

Luis “he dives when he wants” Suarez – 20
Ashley Young – 19
Cristiano Ronaldo – 14
Lionel Messi – 0

So obviously, someone who has a big 0 for such a vital attribute in the modern game doesn’t deserve to be anywhere near the Ballon d’Or.

Crowd

Whereever Ronaldo goes and plays he gets booed, abused, criticised and what not. People are jealous because he is rich, tall and handsome. Still, Ronaldo gives his best and silences all his haters with his performance on the pitch. On the other hand, Messi is lucky as he is not hated and abused anywhere in the world because he is not tall and handsome. So you readers decide who is better – someone who performs in the toughest of conditions or someone who plays well in the easiest ones.

Ronaldo plays with Arbeloa and Raul Albiol. Messi plays with Xavi and Iniesta.

Even you and me can score goals if we had Xavi and Iniesta behind us providing assists.

And many many more reasons like

Ronaldo is taller than Messi
Ronaldo uses hair gel
Ronaldo can score with his right leg, left leg, head, chest, shoulder and even his !@#$%
Ronaldo has won titles in 2 countries
Ronaldo never used growth hormones
Ronaldo’s son is named after himself
Messi is no use in a street fight
Messi doesn’t know how to act
Messi is no use in a wall
Messi is no use in defending corners

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