[Humour] Excerpts from the Secret Diary of Rafa Benitez
January 1, 2016
New year. New me. New diary. Fact.
Since I am going through a lot of pressure, I have decided to pen a diary to pour out my heart here and live a healthy life. You see, being the manager of Real Madrid means that at any given moment you could get a heart attack and collapse on the floor quicker than Dani Alves does after being touched by a mild gust of wind. Fact.
The other alternative is to eat as much as you can. Well, as you know already, I do that. A lot. Fact. My wife bought me a pair of pants a week ago for Christmas and today when I tried to put them on, they wouldn’t fit. Fact.
Anyways, I have made a few resolutions for the new year. And they are as follows…
- Lose weight.
- Win the league with Real Madrid.
- Win the Champions League with Real Madrid.
- I have a job and Jose Mourinho doesn’t—I intend to keep it that way.
- Avoid James.
- Avoid Isco.
- Avoid over-using the word ‘fact.’
- Sub off in-form players even if they are not fatigued.
Okay, I gotta go now. Missus made some delicious pudding, got to feast on them before taking out my kids for a meal for ‘junk food’ night.
January 2, 2016
I am under a lot of pressure. I can’t sleep very well. I wake up in the middle of sleep and find myself worried about what will happen the next day. Fact.
Yes, there is too much gas in my stomach. Fact. And their pressure in me is insane. Fact. I can’t sleep very well because I have to wake up 3-4 times in the night to use the toilet. I wake up abruptly and find myself thinking whether I can even eat chocolate tarts and double chocolate chip blended crème with whipped cream in the morning for my breakfast.
This is me with my miseries. People think that I am very lucky because I manage Real Madrid. I ask those people: would you consider yourself lucky if you are managing the greatest club in the history of football, but can only eat a restricted diet of 7 chocolate tarts, 5 different types of pies, 20 doughnuts, 12-15 double-layered hamburger with extra mayonnaise, 15 cheeseburgers, 5-8 cakes of different flavours (but mainly black forest), Indian cuisine for lunch, Chinese for dinner and 40-50 muffins over the course of a day ONLY?
No, I am not lucky—any man that can’t have much food because of diet restrictions like that is unfortunate. Fact.
In other less important news, we have a game against Real Madrid at home tomorrow. Oh, sorry, I meant Real Madrid have a game against Valencia at Mestalla tomorrow. I am sure that I will get a great reception from our boys at the Mestalla for the Valencia fans just love me. Fact.
In fact, during my time as a manager there, there was this Valencia fan who offered me his handkerchief to use as a toilet paper after toilets ran out of them. Till this day, that used handkerchief resides within a glass cube in his showcase. Fact.
They say I will be sacked if we lose this game. I am a little worried by that news, but I have a great solution for this problem: I am now going to eat as many chocolates as I can to ease the stress and then go to sleep.
January 3, 2016
Oh, well, we drew. Fact. The boys played real well considering that they were down to 10 men, but that is actually a normal situation for them since with James or Isco, we technically play with 10 players on the pitch.
The real win, however, resides in the fact that neither Isco nor James played a single minute. Fact. They were shown who is the boss here and who is allowed to eat all the food he likes.
The reason why I am upset at the two of them is simple: they ate my food. I punished them by subbing them off quickly, but look at their audacity: they actually got mad at me for punishing them. Something had to be done and I did.
You don’t eat Rafa Benitez’s food and get away with it. Fact.
I might lose the job, but I will make sure I extort a huge buy-out from Florentino Perez so that I can buy myself a lifetime supply of tarts, pies, cake and whatnot! Fact! Woo! I am so excited about the future!
January 4, 2016
I have been sacked. Fact. To be honest, I am more glad than sad. With this loss, 3 of my New Year’s resolutions have gone down the gutter, which means that I don’t have to follow the rest of the resolutions and that means I don’t have to lose weight and that means that I can eat as much as I want! Fact!
Apparently, I was supposed to be sacked yesterday right after the game, but the fax machine at Real Madrid messed up again and I got the message just now. Meanwhile, my agent got me the best possible deal that not only contains a hefty buy-out clause but a direct supply of tasty eatables paid directly out of the pocket of Perez. Fact.
Zidane is supposed to take over from me. I hope he makes great use of the condition I have left the club in. Fact. To be honest, I have left the dressing room in a fantastic state. Fact. The refrigerators at the place have an incredible diversity of food and Zidane will have a lovely time by just looking at them. Fact.
My next job will be as a food judge on ALL versions of the Masterchef TV series.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and not to be taken seriously