The EPL's usual suspects
A humorous take on the EPL and the top clubs jostling for position.
Somewhere at this very point in time, Brendan Rodgers must be going over every inch of “that” spot in Anfield : The very spot where Gerrard slipped. He must be torching every blade of that grass with a vengeance and smashing every television screen that is replaying that horrendous errrr….mistake.
Somewhere inside the confines of Goodison Park, Pellegrini must be affectionately stroking Aguero’s head and crediting the performance against Everton to Kun’s bizarre errr…Mayan-Age…half bald…half Al Pacino haircut while showering flowers on a portrait of Demba Ba.
Somewhere in London, Mourinho must be striding through a peaceful meadow, carrying a bag of milk bottles, followed by a pack of prancing ponies and throwing rocks at one that is a Hazard look-alike.
Somewhere in a bar far far away, David Moyes must be laughing hard into his drink and then sobbing into his Manchester United scarf signed by Sir Alex.
Somewhere in a land far far away, Arsene Wenger would be scouting 6 year olds in a football field and approaching them with a pen and paper to persuade them to sign up for the Arsenal first team.
Somewhere in a place shrouded with darkness, Tim Sherwood must be stripping his jacket off and hurling it at a wax statue of Daniel Levy, hoping to secure maximum points by conking it in the noggin.
What a season ! Even if you hire Martin Scorsese to direct the Barclays Premier League and rope in George Clooney to produce it, you will still not be able to come up with a script that is so unpredictable, vibrantly engaging and adrenaline inducing.
The season has been marked by some stand-out performances. Luis Suarez has stopped watching Dracula movies and has put his mind to the task. He has also successfully convinced Sturridge to not participate in America’s Got Talent, in the break dancing category and the result is there for all to see. Yaya Toure has decided that he will not be intimidated by Pellegrini’s silver mane and has pumped in an almighty amount of goals.
Roberto Martinez decided to stop watching “House of Cards” at home and rap his knuckles on the Everton desk. The result has been unprecedented success. (it rhymes with the previous line for good effect) Wayne Rooney has been stashing his 300,000 pound contract in a tin can labelled “The Tooth Fairy” and hiding it where no one will ever find it : Next to Giroud’s strike partner at Arsenal.
As the seasons shudders to a halt, Manchester United fans are burning every shred of evidence that proves that the 2013-2014 Premier League season took place, Arsenal fans are travelling to watch a Lakers game for a price that is less than their hiked season ticket prices, Manchester City fans are painting their living rooms blue again, Liverpool fans are preparing to erect a statue dedicated to Brendan Rodgers which will probably have an arm broken if they do not win the title…….and the Spurs fans are trying to understand the difference between a noun and an adjective.
Presenting to you, the Usual Suspects of the Premier League.
P.S : Alan Pardew has released a DVD entitled “When I was Zidane”.