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Top 10 funniest football chants

Shayne Dias
ANALYST
Humor
5.07K   //    Timeless

Football isn’t just about the players; the fans are just as important to the game. Without the fans, the players wouldn’t be as revered as they are. The best way for fans to make themselves felt is by chanting songs and slogans in the stadiums.

Of course, chants aren’t always simply there to support your team. Many chants mock rival teams or even players. Let’s take a look at 10 of the funniest chants in football:

1) Manchester City never leave an opportunity to poke fun at their rivals United (and vice versa). City reworked United’s ‘U-N-I-T-E-D…’ chant to poke fun at their debt. It goes like this:

‘U-N-I-T-E-D,

That spells f*****g debt to me,

With the knick-knack paddywhack give a dog a bone,

Ocean Finance on the phone!’

2) One very popular chant is sung to the tune of the Christmas song “Winter Wonderland”. The song is normally preserved for players who show inconsistent patches of form and have suddenly hit a good run of form. The name of the player is, of course, interchangeable:

‘There’s only one Emile Heskey,

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One Emile Heskey,

He used to be s***e,

But now he’s alright,

Walking in a Heskey Wonderland’

3) Newcastle fans have a lovely (and slightly disturbing chant) for Argentine defender Fabriccio Coloccini. It’s sung to the tune of Frankie Vialli’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Of You” and goes like this:

‘Oh Coloccini, you are the love of my life,

Oh Coloccini, I’d let you s**g my wife,

Oh Coloccini, I want curly hair toooooooooo!’

4) Luis Suarez is a top-class striker, but he’s also a bit of a controversial character (okay, maybe more than just a ‘bit’, but you get my point). He’s not exactly loved by rival fans, and following allegations of racial abuse against Patrice Evra, Stoke fans came up with this little gem:

‘He cheats, he dives,

He hates the Jackson Five,

Luis Suarez, Luis Suarez!’

5) West Brom once had an Austrian defender names Bernt Hass among their ranks. The name is quite amusing, and West Brom fans came up with a chant that goes a little something like this:

‘Bernt Haas! I’ve gone and Bernt my Haas.

I’ve gone and Bernt my Haas. I’ve gone and Bernt my Haas. Bernt Haas…’

6) Djimi Traore was never quite the best full-back in the world and his time at Liverpool is perhaps remembered most for his comical own goal against Burnley. One particular chant was aimed at him during his time at the club:

‘Don’t blame it on the Biscan
Don’t blame it on the Hamman
Don’t blame it on the Finnan
Blame it on Traore!
He just can’t, he just can’t, he just can’t control his feet.’

7) Rangers goalkeeper Andy Goram was diagnosed with a mild spell of schizophrenia. In response to his ailment, Celtic fans came up with the simple yet clever chant:

‘Two Andy Gorams, there’s only two Andy Gorams!’

8) Robin van Persie was embroiled in a rape case (the charges were later dropped) at one point in his career. The incident did lead to some banter, however; the chant is sung to the tune of “Re-Rewind” by Artful Dodger and Craig David and plays on the fact that the Dutch don’t necessarily get the English language entirely:

‘Van Per-sie, when the girl says ‘no’

Molest her.’

9) During his time at Fulham, Bobby Zamora was… well, let’s just say he was slightly goal-shy. Fulham fans came up with a chant for him, which might not actually have done him a world of good. But it was funny:

‘When you’re sat in Row Z,

And the ball hits your head,

That’s Zamora!’

10) When Brazilian winger Willian turned down a move to Spurs at the last minute to join Chelsea, he attained legendary status in the eyes of the Chelsea faithful before even kicking a ball for the club. He also earned himself a rather creative and hilarious song:

‘The s**t from Spurs, they bought his flight,

But Willian, he saw the light,

He got the call from Abramovich,

And off he went to Stamford Bridge!

He hates Tottenham, he hates Tottenham,

He hates Tottenham, he hates Tottenham!’

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Shayne Dias
ANALYST
22 years old. Chelsea fan. My views on football can appear eccentric at times. I like to think of myself as an unbiased football fan. I follow all of Europe's top 5 Leagues i.e. Premier League, La Liga, Serie A, Bundesliga and Ligue 1.
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