WAGS – We Are Gonna Stay

Modified 28 Apr 2014

Because let’s face it… Most footballers are usually straight.

Apart from crowning Italy as the champions of FIFA World Cup 2006, the year also crowned the better (highly debatable) halves of the footballers as “WAGs”, i.e., Wives and Girlfriends of players.

Since then, there are a lot of people complaining about the overtly obnoxious presence of these women in the players’ lives that ultimately creep up in the game as well. There was absolutely no angle left in the circle that I could pick to mock at these over-publicised, anorexic, tanned females lurking behind their Louis Vuitton shades and shiny designer bags with a shockingly low body fat content and a high tolerance for flashlights. And I did think of everything. I mean I decided to chart off the bottom five hideous-looking WAGs, only to realize that there are none. I mean it’s like footballers dive into the best gene pool there is and fish out girls. There were hottest WAG countdowns that had been done to death, all characterized by the least dressed ones on the top of the list, reasons why WAGS are a waste of space. Even footballers who look like toads manage to score hot girls by their sides. This is when I realized there was nobody writing FOR them.

So I’m giving you reasons why we should just leave them alone, which wouldn’t be so hard since most people do not want to give them much importance anyway.

#1. People tend to categorize everything around them, and their need to get everything sorted is inane. Failure to slot people into their places makes them uncomfortable. I might just be talking about me there. So anyway, WAGs are usually shoved into the blonde category. “Oh you’re dating a footballer; I bet my cat has a higher IQ than you.”

I don’t really think that most footballers are very intelligent either. However, men do want substance and some of it should be in the head as well. You need to have brains in the relationship or your dates are mindless nights of watching “Are you smarter than a fifth grader”, or trying to make the microwave work since none of you have any other ideas, or even one to begin with.

Why can’t a WAG be a normal, fairly smart, good-looking girl who happened to be at the right match at the right time and probably caught a striker’s eye?

#2. Celebrities can never fall in love. Apparently if you’ve faked it one too many times on screen you’re assumed to be doing that in real life too. This rule doesn’t just apply to movie stars, but extends to sports celebs as well.

If a WAG is dating an extremely good-looking player with enough charisma to woo anybody’s knickers off, she’s doing it for the $$, the spotlight and possibly really pretty kids in future.

If a WAG is dating an average looking player with nothing special about his physical appearance as opposed to his spectacular appearances in games, she’s still doing it for the $$$, the spotlight and umm, a possibly high alimony amount.

Why can’t she be treated like any other girl who actually fell for someone below or out of her league and genuinely liked the person and wanted to make it work?

#3. I pity the amount of eluding a WAG has to do. Being one instantly gets you in John Terry’s radar. This might just help you crash parties if you’re extremely hot by claiming you’re on Terry’s list, and well he might just let you in, in more ways than one. Even if you are happy with your own center-back boyfriend, dodging this 6’1½” guy could be quite an ordeal.

#4. Your talent, that might actually be hailed in (Insert your subcontinent here’s) Got Talent, will be mocked and ridiculed. Personally I think Cheryl Cole is a pretty good singer, but the fact that she was once married to Ashley Cole instantly makes her career a result of an attempt at stardom after gaining popularity from the entire marriage debacle. Although I can hardly vouch for Coleen Rooney and her Juicy Couture style. Horrifying.

Therefore, the fact that they are flashing black Amex’s everywhere and buying handbags that probably would fund twelve children for an entire year doesn’t make them any different as compared to other spoilt heiresses thriving and multiplying like bacteria in the attention.

Seriously, we’re this close to FIFA’s manager mode containing a manage-your-WAG section with their demands and monthly allowances lined up.

Published 29 Nov 2012
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