What should you know about the avoidant anxious attachment style and how it affects your relationships?

Avoidant anxious attachment style represents a blend of unhealthy attachments that may be affecting your relationship. Its been many years since the theory of attachment was introduced, but it still remains relevant today! Attachment is primary and primitive. This means that our primary relationships determine when and how we form relationships.

Mostly, the first relationship that we form is with our primary caregivers, i.e. parents. Our first attachment develops with our mother. Many mental health professionals and researchers emphasize these early relationships. Your attachment style also develops from this and the years that you spend with your caregivers.

Early relationships affect our adult attachment styles. (Image via Vecteezy/ okan ekinci)

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What is the avoidant anxious attachment style and how does it impact our adult relationships?

Our relationships are influenced by how we bond with everyone. (Image via Vecteezy/ Margarita Sivkova)

Attachment styles are not just associated with romantic relationships but show up most commonly in those. If we track the origins of this attachment style, children may have been brought up with confusing signals or mixed messages. For instance, they may sometimes receive love and support, but at times when they need it the most, they may not be taken care of.

If you notice, this would mean that the child grew up with a lot of uncertainty and confusion. Even though they yearn for affection, they are not sure how they can seek it. This pattern slowly emerges as the avoidant anxious attachment style.

As an adult, you want affection and validation, but you also fear rejection at the same time. This is characteristic of an anxious attachment style. Additionally, you engage in avoidance behaviors to avoid getting hurt. Perhaps the core characteristic of this attachment style is the fear of separation or abandonment.

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Is there a way to change this attachment style or cope with it?

Attachments styles are not limited to romantic relationships. (Image via Vecteezy/ Maria Fedotova)

With an avoidant anxious attachment style, you always feel like you are on a rollercoaster of emotions. You want to be with someone, but you can't be with them. You want to be loved, but you don't want to be hurt. In a way, you are always switching between two extremes.

Becoming aware of your needs and fears is often the first step in therapy or outside of it. If therapy feels like too much, you can always look for resources (preferably written by mental health professionals) on avoidant anxious attachment style. You will realize that there are so many individuals who struggle with their attachment styles.

The aim of therapy is not to push you into a healthy attachment style but rather help you manage your fears and anxiety. The approach remains realistic and helps you build coping mechanisms to sustain relationships. It is possible that you get attached too quickly but also want to leave at any potential sign of hurt. However, through therapy you learn to challenge your assumptions and manage your avoidant anxious attachment style.

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If you feel that you are someone with an avoidant anxious attachment style, try to reach out to a professional. Slowly and steadily you can work through your childhood patterns of neglect and abandonment. This allows you to live a fuller life and helps you regain trust in relationships.

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Janvi Kapur is a counselor with a Master's degree in applied psychology with a specialization in clinical psychology.