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The Ultimate Fighting Championship; the supreme proving ground in the quintessential test of toughness and strategy. The Octagon; the modern day Coliseum, where many enter walking tall, but only a few remain standing when the dust settles.
Sounds like an intro to one of the "Road to the Octagon" videos, right? You can almost hear James Earl Jones' tranquil baritone as the camera cuts across a city skyline and stops at an MMA gym. It then focuses in on a fighter cascading sweat as he hits pads in slow motion, teeth clenched and yelling with every thudding blow. Inspiring, is it not? Indubitably.
But enough of that for now. Let's leave the fighting to the fighters and all that frowny, furrowed brow solemnizing to the man who voiced Mufasa in the Lion King. Check out these EA Sports UFC video game match-ups, for some of which we've actually gone to the heights of nerdiness and analyzed. Absurd? Absolutely, but they're still sure to leave you cackling.
#10 Bruce Lee vs Jackie Chan
As children, more than a few of us martial arts fans would've asked ourselves how this match would've gone down. Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan pioneered the genre of martial arts movies and a lot of today's action stars owe a lot to them. So it's obvious that all bets are off in a hypothetical face-off between the two. But that's not to say that it never happened, at least not a real fight.
Jackie Chan was a stuntman in Bruce Lee's 1973 hit "Enter The Dragon" and also had a place of honor in the butt whooping extravaganza where Lee gets captured. Have a look:
But Jackie Chan was more than just a stuntman for Lee's films. The legend was so impressed with Chan's acting that he befriended him. Jackie Chan recounts how the two went bowling together:
#9 Harry Potter vs Lord Voldemort
Okay, so Harry Potter goes into this as the favorite, having won twice already. But let's take away the magic and put them on the scales. Voldemort has the size and strength advantage, but Potter is very quick and a much better mover, as we've seen from his Quidditch heroics.
The Dark Lord is a very calculated person, so that most likely will translate to the octagon. Therefore, we give him the advantage in a 3-rounder. But then again, this is main event material, so when it comes to a 25-minute contest, The Boy Who Lived could stand a chance if he made the Heir of Slytherin chase him and get exhausted.
#8 Adolf Hitler vs Vladimir Putin
This is a no-brainer. Hitler was a student of the arts and from his quotes, it could be said that he was an intellectual. So in the octagon, he'd be as effective as the mops used to clean up the blood and sweat that fighters leave on the floor. Putin's Judo and Sambo background, exaggerated or not, should be enough to dispatch the Fuhrer. And of course, everybody remembers what happened the last major clash between Germany and Russia.
#7 Bruce Lee vs Chuck Norris
In an interview seven years ago, Chuck Norris was asked his thoughts on Bruce Lee as a martial artist and as expected, he couldn't stop singing praises of Lee's speed, strength and genius when it came to martial arts. He was then asked who would win in a real contest between the two of them, and he replied with one of Bruce Lee's own quotes, "Showing off is the fool's idea of glory."
Profound and mysterious as it sounds, it still doesn't answer the question. The closest we've got to an answer is the showdown between the two of them in "The Way of the Dragon", which, come to think of it, isn't really an answer. And according to Chuck Norris, both of them were close friends so they wouldn't really have fought each other, even as a test of skills, would they?
Well, according to Grandmaster William Cheung, they did. Cheung was a pupil of Wing Chun legend Ip Man, whom he introduced Bruce Lee to and whose tutelage the latter would soon enter. Cheung and Bruce Lee were friends and training partners as teenagers. In a now deleted interview, Cheung said that Lee and Norris did have an actual fight when shooting for the film, and the Chinese legend made quick work of the American Karateka, reportedly putting him away in 15 SECONDS! Do you think Chuck Norris would last longer in the game?
#6 Arnold Schwarzenegger vs Bruce Willis
At first glance, this looks like a pushover. In his bodybuilding heyday, Arnold probably used to eat as much as Bruce Willis weighs. But before you give it , hands down, to the seven-time Mr. Olympia, take a second to fully recognize who he's up against - a New York detective who took out an entire squad of German terrorists, just to save the woman he loves.
So, Bruce Willis will go to hell and back so save a loved one from harm. But so did Arnold in Terminator-2, as a time-travelling, human hunting cyborg (against a cop who wiped the floor with him for most of the movie, we might add). "Loved one" is a stretch, because John Connor had programmed him to protect his younger self at all costs, but there is no denying T-101's unbreakable loyalty.
It is worth mentioning that this is the classic match up of size and strength vs speed, toughness and ingenuity. Tough picks, but it's hard to bet against the Terminator, so for this one, we're going with size and strength.
#5 Barack Obama vs Vladimir Putin
General opinion is that the Bear (Russia, ie, Putin) has always shied away from full frontal confrontation with the Eagle (USA, ie, Obama). But let's look at a champion vs champion match.
As we've said before, Putin has experience in Sambo, Judo, Karate and not to mention what's cooking in KGB labs. So it's fair to assume his ground game is strong. But Obama's the taller, rangier man and media outlets have reported that the former POTUS is a cardio machine. Obama also played his share of basketball and that ingrains a certain amount of athleticism from driving and precision from shooting - meaning footwork and striking accuracy. So we're expecting this to go down like Whittaker vs Romero, with Obama keeping Putin on the outside and picking his shots en route to a UD.
#4 Walter White vs Jesse Pinkman
Mad scientist Walter White and his sidekick Jesse Pinkman have a love-hate relationship, to say the least. We've seen them scuffle a couple of times, with Pinkman coming out on top. But this was against a Walter White who was ravaged by cancer.
Let's assume that White's free of the disease heading into the fight. Being the older man, he does have a speed disadvantage. And many would scoff that his nerdiness would work against him, nerds being living, breathing punching bags and all. But if he used that formidable brain against Pinkman, like we've seen him do to his adversaries on the show, we could be looking at a whole different animal. Alas, in this scenario, street sense doth prevail and if we had to bet, it would be on Pinkman bum-rushing Heisenberg and scoring a first round stoppage
#3 Barack Obama vs Kim Jong Un
The next time you find yourself cursing your luck or bitching about your life, just take a second to think about the people of North Korea. Those miserable souls who have to work in factories and fields because their socialist government long ago abandoned its promise of providing for the peoples' every need. Where speaking out against the government means abduction and torture, almost like George Orwell's 1984. If it can work for me in Bangalore's traffic, it can work for you too.
Now, let's quickly get down to business because this is one beatdown we all want to see. Forget debating over who wins this fight, the bigger question is, will Obama keep in mind the racist slurs (according to The Telegraph, North Korea called him "a crossbreed with unclear blood", "a wicked black monkey" and even "a monkey with a red bum) and pay back the Great Successor in punches? For the sake of the 25 million unfortunates stranded there, let's hope so.
#2 Floyd Mayweather vs Bruce Lee
Even if imaginary, this fight is a mouth-watering contest for martial arts fans. The forefather of modern MMA versus possibly the greatest defensive boxer of all time.
The most important question here is, would this be a regulated match or a streetfight? If it's the former, and assuming it's 'strikes-only', then Floyd's guerrilla-style should get him the win. Not just because of his footwork and defence, but more pertinently because Bruce Lee never had a professional fight, apart from amateur boxing matches in his youth.
Now, the latter could prove a complete 180. Bruce Lee was a well-oiled machine and his speed, precision and diversity would drown out Mayweather's defence in a streetfight. Either scenario would indubitably draw crowds by the boatloads.
#1 Mike Tyson vs Justin Beiber
Everybody knows what would happen in this fight - Mike Tyson would knock the Biebs' head clean off his shoulders. The problem is what comes next - his death would send his record sales skyrocketing and at least for a month after it, his songs will be the only thing you hear, everywhere you go.
But look at the bigger picture - we will never have to face the pain of a new Justin Bieber song or watch his stupid mug on TV. So I'm sure we can put up with a temporary inconvenience for long term bliss.
And it's still not too late to hope and pray for this to happen - Mike Tyson's still alive and punching and unfortunately, so is Justin Bieber. If anyone can put a stop to that, it's Iron Mike. Fingers crossed, fight fans, fingers crossed.
