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Santa Claus may be make-believe, but ours is a race of believers. And while portly Mr. White-Beard may not visit your chimney, there's always a magnanimous Yaya Toure with his pointy hat and his bountiful booty, happy to don the role.Now that we've found our men to deliver these presents, let's look at their recipients. Below are the 10 players who are probably looking towards the North Pole (or the blue side of Manchester) for their Christmas presents.
#1 Mario Balotelli - The One Ring
While obscurity is a bane to most, it is a blessing in disguise that Mario Balotelli should pray for this Christmas. There would be no better way for Liverpool’s outcast to sort himself out than beinh veiled by invisibility – so acute is his case of media-sickness.
The dynamic striker is no stranger to attention. In fact, the man that walks a lonely road in Anfield today is hardly the carefree target-man that Brendan Rogers paid £16 million for. And that can’t be pinned solely on poor form. The paparazzi haven’t made life any easier for Balotelli either, what with them constantly focussing the spotlight on him. Not to absolve him of his inept performances, but the unyielding scrutiny has surely compounded the Italian’s problems.
The cantankerous Liverpudlian is no stranger to controversy either. In fact, Balotelli’s latest antics involves purported racism – all while he’s supposed to be endorsing racial acceptance. That’s like the pot calling the kettle black (and Hebrew). Balotelli hasn’t made his life any easier, what with his nose for trouble. That doesn’t mean the media can be acquitted of the charge of publicising his infringements, but the enfant terrible can’t keep from shooting himself in the foot time and time again.
Therefore, that presents Balotelli with two solutions.
Realistic Solution: He must set out on his quest to free himself of the ever-watchful, lidless Eye through Middle Earth, in pursuit of the One Ring. Or he can pray that Santa present him the One Ring through the chimney.
Unrealistic Solution: Reform himself.
#2 Fernando Torres - A patch-up
El Nino’s is a classic case of rebound. Los Rojiblancos were his first love. He moved on, content, to Merseyside. That was when calamity struck. Deceived by avarice, he switched to the better-endowed Pensioners. A mindless folly; however, Fernando Torres, true and loyal, stuck through and through with Chelsea. He tried giving them his best, but alas, it was no longer enough.
Secretly, deep down, Torres longed for The Red & Whites, or for The Reds. Blame it on fate that he was stranded with The Blues. But he plugged on, hoping maybe to assuage Chelsea. Unfortunately, he was broken, as he receded into a mere echo of his ferocious former figure. This did not deter him, for he laboured sedulously, even half-succeeding from time to time.
But the Pensioners were at the end of their tether with the Spaniard, and so they expunged him. At this time of dire need, Fernando looked in the direction of the Los Rojiblancos. They had moved on, more than happy with a combination of a ready-to-battle warrior named Mario Mandzukic and a skillful little dynamo called Antoine Griezmann. Then, he looked in the direction of Merseyside. They too had moved on, not sparing him a fraction of a glance, replacing the Uruguayan Luis Suarez with a couple of young attacking talents in the form of Balotelli and Origi.
Destitute and homeless was Fernando. A beggar without the luxury of choosing, he moved to his only suitor – Il Rossoneri. And that is his domicile today. Discontent, impotent and a shadow of his former self – that’s the Fernando Torres of today.
With a measly goal in 10 games since his arrival, Torres has been demoted to the AC Milan bench. Now, he languishes in the reserves.
Realistic Solution: A spectacular detente with either Atletico Madrid or Liverpool is very much on the cards for Torres. All he must do now is hope that Santa Claus brings with him billets doux from Diego Simeone and/or Brendan Rogers. A Christmas patch-up will effectively resurrect the Spaniard’s career.
Unrealistic Solution: Fernando must be smitten once more.
#3 David de Gea - Defence
He can but wish for a line of defence, can David De Gea – the unanimous toast of the town. Time and again has he saved Manchester United’s hide this year. But he wouldn’t have to if he had a semblance of a good defence protecting him.
The Red Devils’ defence has been as shaky as last season, and lengthy injury spells for every single one of their first choice defenders and their replacements have only served to make their backline all the more vulnerable. With teenagers and wingers alike being deployed in front of him, the Spanish shot-stopper has almost single-handedly (yes, he does have an unorthodox technique) propelled United to the third position that they now occupy.
David de Gea has proven since the beginning of the calendar year that he is worth his salt. What is more heartening is his knack to step up on the biggest of occasions – his performances against Liverpool, Arsenal, Everton and Chelsea stand testimony to that.
The least he could ask for this Christmas is a decent defence that actually defends.
Realistic Solution: Continue winning and saving games without any help from his defenders.
Unrealistic Solution: Have the team shore up its defence.
#4 Lionel Messi - Manuel Neuer to win the Ballon d\'Or
It is no secret that Lionel Messi has completed an underwhelming year, by his standards. Save a successful World Cup campaign, Messi has no boastworthy achievements – individual or collective, save a few more records (his staple) and a Supercopa de España. In fact, his goals-per-game ratio even fell to 0.86, a drastic drop from 0.98 in 2013.
What adds insult to Messi’s injuries, however, is the incredible season that arch rival Cristiano Ronaldo has enjoyed. After starting the calendar year by grabbing the Ballon d’Or from the Argentine’s clasp, Ronaldo went on to conclude a prosperous 2013-14 season with La Decima. Though his World Cup was marred by injuries, he has returned with an incredible haul of 25 goals from 14 games in the La Liga.
Therefore, the odds to win the coveted trophy are strongly tilted in the Portuguese’s favour. And as goes human psychology, Messi will surely be hoping that Santa and Rudolph deliver a slip with the German sweeper’s name at the FIFA office.
While that may not grant him the satisfaction of winning, it will at least provide him with the consolatory solace of seeing his bete noire lose out with him.
Realistic Solution: Manuel Neuer winning the Ballon d’Or.
Unrealistic Solution: Lionel Messi winning the Ballon d’Or.
#5 Cristiano Ronaldo - The Ballon d\'Or
He scores goals left (side), right (foot) and centre (field). He breaks records for fun. The world is at Cristiano Ronaldo’s feet. And so he will claim what is rightfully his – the Ballon d’Or – shortly.
An unsatisfactory World Cup is the sole blip on an otherwise sparkling record for Ronaldo in a year that has seen him score at an astounding rate of a little over one goal-per-game.
Putting to rest any myths about skulduggery at the Ballon d’Or awards at the beginning of the year, Real Madrid’s front-man has not looked back since, even gathering 22 assists amidst the 61 goals he scored.
Manuel Neuer too has had a stellar year, winning the World Cup and the Bundesliga apart from putting in one of the most consistent years in goal-keeping history. However, even this pales in comparison to Ronaldo’s sterling year.
As for Messi, well, read on to find out.
Realistic Solution: Ronaldo winning the Ballon d’Or.
Unrealistic Solution: Ronaldo winning the Ballon d’Or. He will have it no other way.
#6 Marco Reus - A boat
Borussia Dortmund are a sinking ship. And there comes a point in time when every sailor must abandon his ship, lest he go down with it and make it his grave. Marco Reus has been a loyal sailor. But he must surely see the writing on the wall now. He must row away, separately, to stay afloat.
And there are scores of shores waiting to welcome this championed sailor, from Bavaria to España.
Right from the World Cup through the Bundesliga, the dynamic German has had a season ridden with bad luck. He could not be a part of the World Cup and his country’s World Cup victory celebrations because of an untimely injury, but he must now partake in his club’s condemnation, in spite of another untimely injury.
Tied at 18th place in the league table, BVB’s chances of survival in the top flight are bleak. They have witnessed a celluloid fall from grace this season, dropping from “people’s champions” to last in the league. Reus on the other hand, has seen no such atrophy in his own game, scoring five and assisting three in the 10 games he’s played this season.
He has seen many depart to greener pastures, some even his pseudo-kin. The signs are ominous. With a return from injury not beckoning very soon, Reus knows what he wants this Christmas.
Realistic Solution: A boat, some oars, the power to finally leave, and of course, a promising transfer offer, delivered by Weihnachtsmann.
Unrealistic Solution: Leading Borussia Dortmund out of the relegation zone and into Champions League qualification with a torn ligament.
#7 Radamel Falcao - Fitness
11 months and 502 minutes of football following that accursed cruciate ligament injury, and Falcao’s career appears to have come to a painful standstill. And at the time of the year that represents hope, the Colombian must have his fingers crossed, hoping that that creaking knee can start cranking again.
First, he missed the Ligue 1, then the World Cup, then the pre-season and now, the Premier League. He has only a smattering of appearances to show during this period, most if not all being limited to cameos.
Reportedly contracted by Manchester United for a hefty salary of £265,000 a week, Falcao must surely have understood one of life’s very important lessons: no amount of wealth can assure you of good health. In fact, Falcao’s stature and earnings may not even assure him a starting berth in the team, with fellow striker Robin van Persie hitting a rich vein of form.
Having completed 90 minutes for the first time since the beginning of 2014, Falcao must surely be sanguine about his fitness. But then again, he has suffered more than one relapse this season. And that brings us to Santa Claus.
Realistic Solution: A well-planned fitness regime that sees Falcao reinstating his title as a supremely prolific scorer.
Unrealistic Solution: Another relapse. And another. And another. And continuous cameos until the end of time.
#8 Francesco Totti - The Philosopher\'s Stone
Voldemort’s not the only person seeking the elixir of life; AS Roma’s Francesco Totti is too.
At 38, club captain and legend Totti continues slamming in golazos like there’s no tomorrow. And that’s the truth: there is no tomorrow for Totti. He has accrued 63 goals and 41 assists since turning the ‘dreaded’ 33 and has played an average of 70.3 minutes a game this season, coming off the bench on only one occasion. Further, he has not averaged less than 65 minutes a game in all competitions throughout the last five seasons.
The trequartista simply doesn’t age – it’s as simple as that.
He is as close to immortality as is humanly possible. But knowing Totti, being close is not good enough. He seeks the Philosopher’s Stone, for with it, he may one day, on some later date in some later millennium, dethrone anti-ageing compatriots Andrea Pirlo and Gianluigi Buffon of Juventus.
Realistic Solution: Francesco Totti wakes up on Christmas morning to see the Philosopher’s Stone gift-wrapped, and uses it going forward for the rest of time to try and help Roma win the Serie A.
Unrealistic Solution: Roma beat Juventus to win the Serie A in the near future, thus allowing Totti to retire in peace.
#9 Andre Schurrle - A doctor
Ze German In Blue
Is forever down with Flu.
He takes a mean long shot
If only, he took his immunity-shot.
Chelsea winger Andre Schurrle has spent more time resting in bed than on the bench, let alone the field this season (383 minutes in the league from 12 of a possible 17 games, averaging 32 minutes per game), owing to a whole plethora of ailments that have plagued him.
Initially down with the flu for a couple of weeks following his return from international duty, he then contracted a “mystery illness”, the after-effects of which were quite clear from his weakness and lethargy on the odd occasion Schurrle was not hors de combat. Whether this is due to low immunity or abnormal exposure to disease is moot, not for us, but for the medical intelligentsia.
Realistic Solution: What Schurrle must wish for, this festive season, is some proper medical care.
Unrealistic Solution: He should change his name to Andre Flürrle.
#10 Stewart Downing - Recognition
The Hammers camp must be reverberating with many a Christmas carol, courtesy big Andy. However, one man whose songs ought to be sung is former transfer-market joke Stewart Downing. For he has, without a shadow of a doubt, been one of the contenders for the title of the best Premier League attacker of the 2014-15 season.
It would take something truly special for West Ham United – a team often in the throes of relegation battles – to be occupying a Champions League spot. That something special has been Stewart Downing, who has been wrecker-in-chief, accounting for nearly 35% of all of his team’s goals. To put that into perspective, his impact in the league on the performance of his team, statistically, has been lesser than only Alexis Sanchez, Cesc Fabregas and Gylfi Sigurdsson.
The versatile attacking midfielder’s career appeared to deflate like a punctured hydrogen balloon following his Liverpool miscarriage and an indifferent first season at West Ham. But the unwavering consistency of performances this season surely deserves acknowledgement, if not commendation.
Perhaps this is Downing’s annus mirabilis. Or perhaps it is the risorgimento of an incredibly talented attacker. Regardless, it is the law of justice that credit be given where credit is due. And the Englishman should look towards Saint Nicholas.
Realistic Solution: Have Big Andy and Big Sam write him a eulogy and have Saint Nicholas propogate it.
Unrealistic Solution: Get the credit he deserves.
