Welcome to American Grits, I mean Grit
What are the odds? One pro wrestler gets kicked off of my television programming, and another pops up the very next week! On a different, but much bigger network! And, get this, my coverage won’t be cut short because the wrestler in question CAN’T get eliminated because he’s the host of the whole show!
And it’s John Cena, who physically can’t be eliminated from anything!
Not only that, but it’s a pretty great show. It’s called American Grit, and surprisingly it’s not another cooking show on Fox. Basically, it’s 17 goobers, that I lovingly refer to as “Gritters,” that have either “lost their grit, or never had it in the first place.”
So a bunch of out-of-shape moms, people with social anxiety, nerds, self-centered alpha jerks and Gigi all show up at a place called Camp Grit. Just writing about this show makes me hungry for southern food. They have to then run around through obstacles and challenges and stuff under the leadership of someone who already has a considerable amount of grit.
At the camp, which is more like a 3.5-star lakeside resort, the Gritters meet up with the Cadre, which is four military heroes, two girls and two guys. They get to choose teams after observing and testing the gritters, in competition and everyday life.
They each get 4 competitors for their team. Cena had to do some math, and it turns out 17 isn’t divided by 4 or something...anyway, one person has to go home before the competition even starts. But even before THAT, someone’s gonna have to sleep on the floor, because there are only 16 beds available!
No wonder Camp Grit got 1.5 stars knocked off their rating.
Dippin’ Gritters
So there’s a mad dash from the campfire to the housing area, and Hannah, who early in the episode just cried and complained a lot, dove in the water and swam directly to the beds. Everyone else ran around the lake. Hannah got a bed, so one grit point for her.
Shermon, on the other hand, lied about getting to a bed first. Shermon is like The Sherminator from American Pie, but even more of a narcissistic knucklehead, and nerdier. Negative a grit for him, probably!
Most of the other Gritters range from boring to quirky, save George. George’s full name is George Foreman IV, and yes he is the son of Heavyweight Boxing legend, George Foreman. You may also know Original George from his grills, if you ever went to college.
So as to weed out the first Gritter, John Cena basically just tries to see if anyone will die. He hangs all 17 Gritters from a giant crane, upside down and over a lake. Then, he just dips them head first, in and out of the freezing cold water, for 30 minutes.
The first person to pull on their rope and release themselves from literal torture goes home before the real game starts. Seems pretty real to me, so far. One lady swam through an alligator-filled lake to get a bed, and now they’re all being ultra-waterboarded. A few of the people hanging upside down are shaking so hard they look like they’re being tased, bro. Things get gritty when NO ONE GIVES UP. You can imagine how happy that makes John Cena. It’s like his favourite thing besides healing like Deadpool. So now they have to do a schoolyard-style pick for the teams, but someone’s not gonna get picked up. The Cadre is made up of Burk, an Army Drill Sergeant who’s a no-nonsense ballbuster. Riki, an adorable Marine covered in tattoos, very friendly. Chloe, also a Marine, who’s a switch-flipping mom, meaning sweet until you cross her.
And Grady, a Green Beret who teaches strength through humour. I’d be honoured to be on any of their teams, except maybe Burk, he seems like a hardass. Riki’s my favourite, though. She could probably murder me with her bare hands, but SO ADORABLY!
Meet the Gritters
Of the Gritters, I’m a fan of George, because he refuses to tell people who his dad is, and Hannah, because she walked in fully admitting that she’s a quitter of all things but then swam across a lake for a bed when no one else would. Priorities, yo. Honestly, it’s the first episode of the show and there are too many people to get a good read on in an hour.
I’m going out on a limb, though, and pick Gigi to be a dark horse and make it to at least the Final 4. She’s 20 and spent her rent money on a chihuahua. But she also willingly let Grady chop her fingernails off WITH A GIANT KNIFE. How can you not root for her?
I don’t like Shermon, even though he grew up really close to where I live because he’s terrible to everyone. He lied to a fellow competitor, was rude as hell toward some of the women, and he fake hugs people. Who does that? Also, not really a fan of Melanie, who is on the show because she broke up with her boyfriend or something.
Brooklyn is NOT representing well.
For the final pick of teams, made harder since there are still 17 players, they have to stand in place and holding a giant beach ball over their heads, while spinning. Cena gets to have some fun by being specifically vague in his explanation of this, so everyone just holds the ball above their heads and spins their bodies in circles.
What he MEANT was, hold the ball above their heads and spin..THE BALL. Everyone laughs and I wonder how long Cena planned this humorous goof. My guess is he’s been sitting on it for like a year, or he just stumbled on it by accident.
Oh yeah, Grady picks George first, Burk picks Melanie (yeesh), Riki picks Gill, and Chloe picks Alison as her first choice, who got in it with Shermon the previous day. Spoiler: They end up on the same team. Everyone else gets picked except a mom from Florida, Heather.
That’s mostly because the only other person, Chris, spent the whole episode talking about being picked last his whole life, so it would have sucked for him to get on the show and NOT BE PICKED AT ALL. That can mess up a dude’s whole day.
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