Captain Ajinkya Rahane - India's number 4 and Man for all seasons

India’s Ajinkya Rahane in action during an ODI in 2014

After days of speculation, arguments and rampant rumours, we finally know; the first robot wedding eventually took place in Japan. In other pertinent but slightly more bizarre news, Ajinkya Rahane was appointed captain for India’s upcoming tour of Zimbabwe. Reportedly, the selectors were forced to initiate "Operation Tetrameter", wherein they select Team India's number four – the man you choose as captain when your captain, vice-captain and Rohit Sharma are unavailable for selection.

Armed with such information, it is now apparent that only three of Shikhar Dhawan, R Ashwin, Suresh Raina and Ajinkya Rahane were to be rested, with the man not rested anointed "number four", third in line to the throne that is the Indian captaincy. It was a difficult decision to make, but sources close to the team revealed that it was because Rahane gave the team management a “timely reminder of his abilities” as well as the “knowledge he could pass on to youngsters”.

For those who were following the recent tour of Bangladesh, this may come as a bit of a surprise given that Rahane was dropped. However, he was merely being groomed for the role he has now undertaken.

A bench warming captain of a bench warming team

The first thing you notice about the squad selected to tour Zimbabwe is that no less than six first choice players have been rested. (Ravindra Jadeja and Umesh Yadav have been dropped on account of "being rubbish" and "forcing the captain to pick Stuart Binny"). There is no doubt that they will be back for India’s next series, so what happens to the five intrepid young men (and Harbhajan) who took their place?

They’re obviously going to be dropped, and who better to help them cope with the disappointment than Rahane? Having scored heavily in first class cricket for years, he made his debut on a pitch that looked like it had been curated by Taz in one of his fouler moods, and fell cheaply. He was subsequently dropped for the West Indies’ visit before finally getting his chance in South Africa.

Rahane channeled that rejection to transform himself into a sabre-wielding intergalactic hero who spent his time maintaining peace in the Milky Way and scoring overseas Test runs. In fact, conspiracy theorists claim that the West Indies pulled out of their last tour of India because they did not want to have to bowl to the one they call “Jinks” (an ancient Chinese word that means Braveheart).

However, these same men also believe that Stuart Binny is the next Kapil Dev and that scrambled eggs taste better without toast, so anything that comes out of their mouths is often baseless (and toast-less).

In his role as captain, Rahane can mentor these players and teach them how to deal with rejection and being dropped. If nothing else, he has toured the world honing his craft and can deal with various different conditions; the man has become a master in the art of bench warming.

Those members of the squad lucky enough not to be dropped can take this opportunity to learn from a true artist (no really, they eventually relented and picked him because he doodled on every bench and the BCCI was getting tired of paying the cleaning bill) and improve their own bench warming skills.

Man for all seasons

For those worrying that this is too much responsibility for one man to undertake, do not fret. The powers that be have also selected experienced campaigner and perennial bench-warmer Manoj Tiwary to help out. The selectors say they picked him because of his “versatility”; it is also believed that Tiwary will be able to help the players deal with being dropped for no reason whatsoever.

Apparently the decision to pick Rahane as captain was taken after a lot of deliberation; the selectors reportedly went through 23 packets of ‘Jim-Jam’ biscuits. A source close to them revealed that the decision was made after considering several factors, the most important being that Rahane is “fresher” than the other first-choice players and not just because he uses ‘Cinthol’ soap; he also missed the last two games of the Bangladesh tour to prepare for this series.

Another factor is the fact that Roger Binny felt that appointing his son Stuart as captain would look “too suspicious” and “too much like nepotism”. And they said nobody learnt anything from our last tour to England.

Another reason appointing Rahane makes sense is because of the amount of superstitious people in India. The last time a second string team led by a player who had been dropped from India’s last few ODIs was selected was India’s tour of Bangladesh in 2014. India subsequently lost the series in 2015 when they toured with a full strength team.

So this appointment now builds anticipation and suspense for India’s next tour of Zimbabwe, before it has even been announced. And they say there’s no long term vision for Indian Cricket.

The most important factor though was that Rahane is a team man. A little-known fact is that an alternative career path he had mapped out for himself was that of a bartender. However, he still lets Rohit Sharma pour everyone’s drinks, because Dhoni designated him and not Rahane “opener”.

The question on everybody’s lips after the tour of Bangladesh was, is Rahane India’s best number 4? Hopefully this selection has gone a long way in answering that question.

Rahane is a man of integrity. A man of principle. A man who could go swimming with bull-shaped sharks snorting fire and come out unscathed. Of course he’s India’s best possible number 4.

Author’s note: All “facts” in this article have been made up apart from the robot wedding. That really happened.