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Satire: Critical Indian fans confused about what to do now

4.41K   //    19 Mar 2013, 01:15 IST

India v New Zealand: 2nd Test - Day Three

Fans who have grown up on a steady diet of trashing the Indian cricket team at every possible occasion are in a crisis. They don’t know what, or who to criticize because of the unprecedented 3-0 lead that the team has over the hapless visiting Australians.

“This is… A strange feeling, I must say. Our annihilation of the Aussies was… Total. There were no flaws, or luck, or bacterial infections involved. There’s nothing for us to complain about. It’s… Kinda weird,” said one member of the Critical and Outspoken Cricket Klub (C.O.C.K.).

Asked about what his feelings were during the brief period when India were #1 in the world’s Test rankings, the COCK member was quick to respond, “See, then, the whole world was sneering at us, saying we never deserved to be number one. We became number one because everyone else was worse.” “We too poked fun at ourselves, knowing that it wouldn’t last,” said another, possibly the most reasonable argument by an Indian cricket fan since a gentleman in the 1990s asked for the removal of Abey Kuruvilla from the Indian pace attack.

“It’s a pity, really. We armchair critics enjoyed criticizing the IPL for ruining the ability of our cricketers. Now what do we say? Does this mean we have to sit back and watch that cricket carnival and not say a word against it?!,” thundered a crabby, old gentleman from Chennai, while clutching his evening edition of The Hindu and ordering his 5-year old grandson to finish the mock IIT exam soon.

“I’m not quite sure what to do. We’ve never really been in a position where we could talk of our team so positively. I mean, yeah, we’ve won and all in the past, but that was largely because of some fluke. Even when winning, we feel the need to criticize. I mean, what was the reason for Dhoni to do that bat-flip? Errant nonsense. Rubbish. Show-off kids these days…,” lumbered another elderly gentleman from Kolkata, who considered holding a strike.

“Not criticizing the Indian team is… Unhealthy to our culture! I mean… We need our daily dose! We have these national icons, who we need to keep bashing on a regular basis! Like… What if the Congress suddenly did amazing things, which will make us sing praises about them? Or if the IRCTC suddenly made ticket-booking experiences world-class? Or Arindam Chaudhuri [statement removed since we don't want Sportskeeda to be taken down]… It’s sad,” opined a young gent, while filling out fake medical bills to submit to his office.

Apparently, the critical Indian cricket fan is not the only one who’s mourning over the sudden form of the team.

“Business has never been worse,” lamented Kumar Chaudhuri, proprietor of Kumar Inflammables, an effigy maker. “Thank goodness for Sharad Pawar, else I’d go out of business!,” he sighed.

DISCLAIMER – This is a satire, and should be taken in jest.

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Cartoonist and writer from Mumbai. Cold water aficionado. Green chilli fan. Dream Theater. Beatles. PG Wodehouse. Grado headphones. Thinks Gibbs' 175 and Laxman's 281 are the greatest ODI/Test innings of all time.
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