Best Test XI to play for your life

As Cricinfo is building up to announcing their All-Time World XI, I shall announce the much more hotly anticipated, ‘Team you would want playing for your Life XI.

Mike Brearley (L)

1. Mike Brearley – I would be infuriated at the prospect of having to watch poor captaincy whilst watching a game of this nature. Although there is already a very fine captain in my team in Steve Waugh, not to mention Bradman, I feel that Brearley would provide the tactical nous required in order to extract the opposition’s most obdurate batsmen. I also feel that the desire to score a Test match century would give Brearley the required encouragement to score some runs (yes, this match has gained Test match status, mainly due to my incessant lobbying at the doors of the ICC).

2. Virender Sehwag – Now I presume you are a little bemused. Let me explain… I’m in the stands, nervous as hell facing the prospect of death if my team loses, I need something to keep me entertained and I can’t imagine anything more entertaining than a thrill-a-minute Sehwag triple hundred (would also do chances of winning no harm at all).

A 1993 portrait of Sir Donald Bradman at his home in Adelaide. Mandatory Credit: Tony Lewis/ALLSPORT

3. Sir Donald Bradman – Let’s face it, who better to walk out at 3 after Sehwag has got out trying to smash his first ball for 6 than the greatest batsman ever? Exactly. Bradman faced tough competition from Jonathan Trott but eventually triumphed after I concluded that Trott’s pre-ball rituals would annoy me too much. Also the opportunity to bring back Bradman from the dead to play for me was too good an opportunity to miss.

4. Steve Waugh – I can think of no better man than this to grind out a tough hundred. Squeezed every ounce out of his talent, which may explain his superior record in Tests to his arguably more naturally talented brother Mark (just don’t tell him he’s batting to save a Pom’s life).

5. Brian Close – His Test record may not be great, but he’s in my team solely for the sheer bravery that it must’ve took to stand up to the West Indians, at the age of 45, without a helmet. I reckon, even now at 79 he’d give it a go.

6. Paul Collingwood – ‘The Brigadier Blocker’ as he named himself, would be just the man for the job as my team is batting to save the draw after the lifeless Bradman and 79 year old Close didn’t quite live up to expectations. His exploits in saving games for England at Cardiff and twice in South Africa have earned him this prestigious place in my team. I look forward to watching him stonewall his way to a 186 ball 12. Purely magical.

7. Jack Russell – Just picture yourself watching a game which decides whether you live or die, and your keeper drops a sitter, could there be a worse feeling in the world? This is why I have picked the quirky Russell. His batting is handy also and the fact that he never hit a 6 in Tests did him no harm. Would just love to see that old hat of his come out again, wouldn’t you? So even though he was run very close by Kamran Akmal (scoff, scoff, scoff), Russell earns his place among these illustrious names.

8. Andre Nel – May not be the fastest or most accurate of pace bowlers, but one thing is for sure… Nel or ‘Gunther’ is one of the scariest, his fearsome attitude would strike fear into the opposition batsmen (well that’s the hope anyway), and after a couple of overs of Nel staring down opposition batsmen is over with (runs or wickets are academical), they will be presented with this.

9. Jeff Thompson – Surely one of the quickest bowlers ever to walk the earth, Thompson could run through any batting order on his day, and I’m sure a few stretches would be more than enough to bring back the thunderbolts of the past.

10. Harold Larwood – The infamous Larwood bowling to one of his famous Bodyline fields would no doubt be more than enough to winch the opposition from the crease, especially as modern batsmen would not be used to playing against these extreme fields. Let’s see how Bradman likes it when he’s fielding to it, eh?

11. Joel Garner – No fearsome bowling attack would be complete without a representative from the all-conquering West Indies side of the 70s and 80s. Here I have plumped for ‘Big Bird’. At 6ft 8 inches, surely has to be one of, if not the tallest player in Test match history, and I’m sure his devastating yorkers would be no match for anyone.

12th Man – Shane Warne – Came very close to pipping Andre Nel, not only for his brilliant leg-spin but also for his ‘mental disintegration’, which could cripple any team’s batting line-up.