Traits are things that define an entity. Every person in this world has characteristics. In fact, everything in this world has characteristics. It is what makes them the things that they are.
Since every person in this universe has characteristics, Barcelona fans are no exception to it. They have some definitive set of qualities that sets them apart from the rest. If a person has those qualities, she/he can be easily classified as a Cule.
Also read: 7 ways to know that you are a Real Madrid fan...
On that note, here is a 7 step guide for anyone who aspires to be a Barcelona fan. Take this with a pinch (actually a bucketload) of salt.
#1 Pick mushrooms
This is not a joke. The first step to being a Barcelona fan is to be a good human being. If you are a jerk who has no respect for anyone else, then you are not fit to be a Cule. Barca fans are holier than the others (more on that later) and to be one among them, you must preach kindness and generosity.
And the easiest way to be a good person is to pick mushrooms. If you don’t believe this, then you are actually disbelieving the greatest manager in the history of football, Pep Guardiola—and that is a crime for any wannabe Barca fan.
Guardiola once said, “someone who picks mushrooms can’t be a bad bloke,” while referring to Xavi Hernandez. So, you can basically be a serial killer and still be a good human if you pick mushrooms—and that (picking mushrooms, not killing) would mean you are on your way to be a Barcelona fan.
#2 Do a PhD on grass science
The second step to be a Barcelona fan is to know the proper size of the grass. This is something Xavi Hernandez himself had endorsed previously. It is absolutely important to have the grass cut to the perfect size for a game of football to happen in the most neutral of manners…that helps Barcelona.
The point being, since Barcelona rely on tiki-taka (and Lionel Messi), it is absolutely necessary that the grass size is up to the point. Too short and the passes will be over-hit, too long and the ball won’t travel. Hence, it will be an absolute disaster for football fans in general.
Why all football fans? Because football is meant to be played the Barca way and anything that obstructs this is ruining the beautiful game with conditions that benefit anti-football. And for every true football fan out there, this is a catastrophe.
So, for the sake of every football fan out there, do a PhD on grass science and be informed. How does you being a PhD help the grass at all stadiums stay in the right shape? Opinions. Keyboard. Social media. Rants.
That’s the new way to change the world for the good.
#3 Advocate tiki-taka
Apropos to the earlier slide, as a Barcelona/football fan, it becomes your duty to teach people what correct football is all about. Long-passes? Might as well play rugby instead of football. Low-block with aggression? This is not WWE.
Basically, every team has the right to play their style of football as long as it matches with the ethos that is preached at the Camp Nou. Anything other than short passes and movement should be fiercely labelled as satanic and vehemently discarded as anti-football.
This also allows you, as a Barca fan, to defend your team when they lose against a side that plays a different style of football because, then, you can say, “they played anti-football and won, they cheated.”
Also, short passes are sexy. Just admit it.
#4 Your club is superior to the others
The first three steps were about preparing yourself to be a Barca fan. They were like the pre-requisite courses that you have to take in the university in order to register for the advanced courses. Except that in this case, it makes sense, unlike in the university.
Now, this step is the first of the ‘main courses’ in this 7-step guide to be a Barcelona fan. If you have made it this far, you can already be labelled as a fan—and as one, you have to have the superiority complex that every Cule has.
Barcelona are superior to every club. This should be your mantra. You should chant this every day before waking up from sleep and every night after going to sleep. This is one of the reasons why Barcelona are so successful.
The laws of attraction state that thinking about something with absolute belief attracts that thing to your life. In this case, if you think and believe that Barca are the best, then best they shall be. Like you, every other Barca fan practices the same and, hence, collectively, it plays a universe-altering role in helping Barcelona win titles.
Also, you must possess the ‘holier-than-thou’ mentality because Barcelona are basically the Dalai Lama of football, whatever they do oozes a spiritual aura, even if it is criticising the referees or performing Oscar-worthy performances on the pitch.
#5 Worship Lionel Messi as God
Let’s be frank here, if God ever wanted to show Himself to us, He would definitely have incarnated in the form of Lionel Messi. And who knows? This might just be the case.
What Messi does is beyond even the imagination of many players. It is easier to grasp on water than it is to fathom the ways in which he desecrates defenders with sheer brilliance.
Yes, he might not have won any international accolades, but that is the beauty of God—He knows that He has arrived on the human plane and, hence, has to respect the limitations that each of us are bound to.
As a Cule, you have to believe that Messi is God and worship him with reverence because he is the omnipotent one without any limits. He can win every game by himself if he wanted to, but as a God, he has to respect the rules and limitations that he, as God, placed on us humans.
Which further testifies his status as the Supreme Being.
#6 Loathe Real Madrid
What’s the most important thing for a fan of Barcelona? Yes, it is hating your arch-rivals more than loving your own team. So if you want to go further forward in your life as a Barcelona fan, despising the Blancos is a necessity.
And how do you do it? Well, I can actually write another complete slideshow on it, but I will leave that for another day. For now, I will outline some basic things that some existing Cules do.
First of all, blame Franco. For everything. It is because of this vile dictator that Real Madrid have a place in history. Otherwise, they would be rotting in the dungeons of the lower leagues. The first five European League titles that Real won had Franco to thank for.
In fact, the 11-1 Clasico win against Barca wasn’t genuine since Franco had threatened the Barca players at half-time. Real Madrid fans defend this fact by claiming that their team were already leading 8-0 by then, but this is Barca we are talking about and we have all seen what they did against PSG.
If Franco hadn’t threatened them, Barcelona would have scored 9 goals in the second half and won the game. This is a fact backed by Barca’s 6-1 comeback win against PSG, which wasn’t influenced by any external factors like dubious referee decisions.
Then, you can always point fingers at Real Madrid spending billions on Euros on star players in an economy where many people are dying due to starvation, something that Barcelona NEVER do. Pathetic.
#7 Loathe Cristiano Ronaldo
This is the final step in your quest to be a Barcelona fan. Hating Real Madrid is not enough, you have to also hate their best goal-scorer, Cristiano Ronaldo. Especially because Madridistas dare to claim that he is better than Messi.
Cristiano Ronaldo is just a player who is, and forever will be, in the shadow of Lionel Messi.
No matter what he does, Messi can do it better. This is just the truest fact you will ever come across. It doesn’t matter that the Portuguese has an international title to his name. You can always counter that argument with an unbeatable logic: Messi has more children than Cristiano and they are also cuter than Cristiano Jr.
Apart from that, Messi has more tattoos, more accolades and more growth hormones. You can also add the fact that the Argentine is a hero of the common person because he refuses to bend to the corporate-run government and pay them taxes, which, in turn, means that he doesn’t play a role in making the rich richer. Messi is the true Robin Hood of our age.
Cristiano Ronaldo is just there to be the adversary of the God that Messi is because, without the devil, you will never know the true transcendence of God. And you have to detest the evil that the former Manchester United forward is.
This will complete your journey and you will be a true F.C. Barcelona fan.
