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News Updates based on the way the world rolls. (Satire)

1.06K   //    13 Jul 2011, 13:38 IST

NOTE: The article is a joke, a jive, meant to be funny. Read with an active sense of humor, will you?!

The transfer season is in full flow! Lord be praised! This is so exciting! Him being linked to them, and them being linked to everyone else! Fun, Fun FUN! Transfer season is FUN! Not. Well, actually it is, at the start but as the transfer window wears on, the whole buying-and-selling business becomes a bit boring. Not to mention the rumors linking people to clubs they had never even heard of (Like when Balotelli was linked to Manchester “Snood” City) become exceedingly irritating because of their stagnant recursiveness.

This is you, due to the transfer rumors.

So, here we stand bringing to you some satirical news items based on what’s been happening all around the footballing world.

This is (the desired) you after reading the article.


Barcelona to evaluate Cesc Fabregas to be only 70% as good as Bale:

Yes. Fabregas-to-FCB has to be one of the most drawn out transfer saga of all times. Ever since Cesc Fabregas put on an Arsenal jersey, the daydreamers up in the Barca board have been gaffawing themselves silly, thinking about a return for their prized player; but a recent turn of incidents could indicate that the Barca heads don’t love and regard him as well as we think they do. Just days after hesitantly thinking about a 35 million Euro move for Francesc, reports from Spain emerged saying that the Catalan giants might try and lure in Gareth Bale from Tottenham for 50 million Euros (35/50 times 100 is 70, to justify the title). Yes. You heard it right. FIFTY MILLION EUROS for a player who has had a fantastic first half of one season. If this is true, then Barcelona should stop poking Real Madird for their headless transfer targets. Come to think of it, Barcelona have had their fair shares of flop (big money) transfers at the club. Ibrahimovic and Dmytro Chygrynskiy (part-time footballer, full time Puyol wannabe) are the first names that come to mind.

Pfft! Fabregas is ONLY prolific. Bale can kick a ball and run after it REAL FAST. Gimme Gimme.

Nasri and Sneijder go “here” “there” and “somewhere”- twitter comes alive:

Twitter has apparently, “killed” the media. Everything is on twitter before real reporters even get to report it. Why? because, everyone is tweeting something or the other! There are like ten thousand people, all tweeting something or nothing about transfers at the same time. As we speak, Nasri and Sneijder have already been mentioned to be holding medicals with a couple of new names- and the moment one of those new names stick, (lets say Nasri signs for Tottenham/Sneijder for AC Milan and someone mentioned it beforehand, which is highly unlikely- but just for the sake of lulz) the person who tweeted it first becomes a national hero! He gets a whole bunch of new followers and is treated like he’s a super-human twitter-transfer ninja.

No comments.

The guy becomes the new go-to person for any news and reviews in twitter, and his account becomes a good source of income too. In that very hope, I tweet up some random crap hoping it would come true, following which my words would be given godlike credibility. But sigh, never happens.

All in the name of hope. Sigh.

Roman Abramovic to sack Villas Boas before the start of the new season:

Lets be honest here, none of us want this to happen. Andre is the best young footballing coach in the world, and no one would like a repeat of Leeds-Clough to be played inside Stamford Bridge in modern times. BUT, Roman is Roman, (which sounds a tad bit weird ’cause he’s originally Russian) and he love wielding his axe on managers who don’t win anything. Yes, I hear some Chelsea fans fuming up, and getting ready to let fly their petty reactions on a piece of pure SATIRE! but, I’ll continue. Boas had his first success with Chelsea yesterday, beating Wycombe in a match where Benayoun wasn’t injured, and Torres Scored (Maybe we’re all dreaming)! Yet, there is a good chance that He might get the sack at the start of the season for failure to win anything. While a team from Manchester would sit happy with the Charity shield, Arsenal with the Emirates cup, Liverpool with their “5″ – Abra would get extremely frustrated at the lack of trophies to drop off a bus. With that, he would stop sharpening his proverbial axe and wield it, bringing to an end the tenure of one of the best prospects in England since Jamie Redknapp. Triffic.

Roman: "I'm bored. NEXT!!!"

To be fair to Roman, Andre was a bit of a boring cookie anyway. I mean, he called himself the “Group One” in response to Jose Mourinho calling himself special. Really? “The Group One”?! That’s the lamest name anyone gave to themselves since Tenzil Kem decided to call himself “Matter Eater Lad”. Sheesh.

Sir Alex Ferguson speaks; unclear words indicate something about a cheeseburger/Hernandez:

Sir Alex, or rather Doctor Sir Alex Ferguson spoke to the media just before embarking on their tour to the United States of “Soccer-Country” America. It is reported that he spoke in English but it is unclear of what he said. He mentioned Bebe somewhere, which is either very good or very bad news. And he kept on speaking about a certain cheezeburger which he was quite excited about. Secret sources say he might be referencing United hitman Javier Hernandez, but that’s just too far fetched.

"Glarb trull hubar dinae f*** jork blearg cheeseburger" – What we heard.

Anyway, that’s it for now, stay tuned to more headlines from the footballing world as we drag along. Happy transfer window everybody! It’s the football version of a two-month summer holiday when you and your girlfriend make plans to go out everyday and don’t – and later find out she’s seeing a new guy. Cheerio!

We leave you with Torres, after he scored his first goal under Villas Boas . I know it’s an old gif, but I can’t help not adding it! The happiness it exuberates is just too much to ignore. There:

Look at that excitement!

Well, I love football, and I hardly take things too seriously. Also, I love writing unnecessarily big sentences and using commas (you know, ',' these lil guys) And, I'm good creative writing and drawing and play for my local team whenever I can make time out. Enough about me. What about you?
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