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A minute by minute "MISGUIDE" to the Champions League Draw

Debjit Lahiri
2.28K   //    18 Mar 2011, 18:57 IST

The Mis-guide on the Champions League Draw

Ahh!  the lottery time is over. Minutes earlier, the “holy pot”  has decided the fate of the top 8 teams in Europe. And boy! wasn’t it exciting!. Missed out on it? Well, here i present you a minute by minute insight on what exactly  transpired in the highly anticipated draw in Nyon…err!! perhaps not !

3-00PM IST- A cool and composed Plattini walks into the UEFA Headquarters at Nyon. As the crowd of journalists  gather around him, he sports a sly smile and moves on. Probably an indication to the string of surprises that are to follow!

4-30PM IST(The Wild Card Entries)-Oh! Finally its time for the draw. The stage is set, the team officials are ready and a beautiful blonde girl to accompany the President! Let the draw begin!

An ever so cool looking Plattini pulls out the first name . The crowd skips a breath in anticipation. Who is it? Madrid? Chelsea ..Barcelona…who?  Ahh its Manchester!!! United officials look rather pleased to be the first one to be pulled out. But Hey! Wait a minute! Its not United…Its Manchester CITY! What the…..? Where did they come from??

But Plattini was in no mood to get bobbed down. He gives yet another of his sly smiles  and declares- ” Calm down gentlemen! The Champions League is no less than a reality TV show. So we,hereby announce the introduction of the “Wild Card Entry System”.  Welcome Manchester City!! So, what if they couldn’t qualify for Europa League quarter-finals, the Champions League beckons for them.”

Rumours start to flow around about stories of Sheikh Mansour’s money power . Did they buy out UEFA?? Surely not! The team where the God Ballotelli plays can never do such an act of disgrace.

Anyways moving on, the crowd waits for their opponent. Hope they’re not getting Barcelona. Plattini’s beautiful companion pulls out the second name and flashes it in-front of the cameras. Its a team starting with the “M”…Who is it by the way? The European media had never heard of it…Who is this Team? Hey! I know them. Its M-O-H-U-N   B-A-G-A-N!!   Its Manchester City vs Mohun Bagan!  Incredible! Shocked!

The wild card entries!!!

(PS- For the facts Mohun Bagan did beat City 1-0 in a friendly in 1989…serious!)

Back in Manchester, ManCity Legend and GOD Mario Ballotelli is asked about how he felt about the epic tie. He hesitantly replied- “A great Italian Club like Mohun Bagan deserves to play against us. Its a tough tie. Hopefully we’ll get through! ”   (Pauses)      “oh! wait! i now remember! Jack Wilshere plays for Mohun Bagan right?!” The reporters fell aback. Somethings never gonna change.

4-40 PM IST(The End of the Love Affair)- “The Surprise is not over mates”- declared Plattini. “With an heavy heart, I hereby announce my break up with Barcelona.  Barcelona has been automatically disqualified from the Tournament.  The decision came after a mutual consent with Pep Guardiola. Its mainly due to the fact that Barcelona where not prepared to play the tournament without the services of their loyal referees Tom Henning Ovrebo and that referee in the Arsenal match…Ahh! I forgot the name…what was it ..huh!…”Plattini begins to choke as he tells about his painful break-up.

The Break Up! :(

Did i see a tinch of wet near his eyes? Maybe! But lets move on then

4-45 PM IST( Mourinho worst fears comes true as the TERRY-factor unfolds)- Ok It was the time for the next draw. Plattini pulls out yet another name from the “holy pot”. And Its CHELSEA! Phew! Finally some respite from the surprises.

So who are their opponents? The crowd gets restless. I could literally feel the excitement of West London. Who is gonna surface up to challenge Chelsea’s quest for the holy grail.?  Everyone waits in anticipation.

The next name is pulled out. Its REAL MADRID. Ahh! so the re-union with Jose is definately on. Everyone looked pleased. What a great game on the cards.

Back home in London,reporters were quick to take the opinion of  Terry regarding  the tie -” Can’t wait to see Jose again. I’m heading off to his house with a bottle of wine “. But the confused reporter questioned him back-” He ain’t in his home. Isn’t he with the Madrid contingent at Nyon? “ A rather irritated Terry replied- “Does it really matter?? “

Seconds later Wayne Bridge is seen sporting a sarcastic “wag of tongue”. Mourinho takes a nervous breath in Nyon.

Mind the sequences!!

( Die a painful death you dirty minds! These events are not inter-related…grr!!)

4-50PM IST( The surprises keep on coming)- “Ahh looks like there is a BREAKING NEWS coming in”- announces Plattini much to the disgust of the crowd. “Citing a serious EPL title fight, Manchester United have decided to send their alternative squad instead of their first team players. Its in the name of…umm….” He tries to read a scribbled note given to him. “Well its the HOWARD WEBB XI”. The crowd breaks off in a huge laughter. Off-course, they knew it’s significance.

“So gentlemen! We dont require a draw for it then. We all know who the opponent should be .” The crowd seemingly approved to the thought and the chorus began as if its one of those great European nights- ” M—A—R—T—I—N                      A—T—K—I—-N—S—O–N”hehe!!

The Clash Of the Titans

Certainly! Webb’s Ultimate nemesis! So deservedly its finally Official Now. The much anticipated Clash of the titans. Its HOWARD WEBB XI vs MARTIN ATKINSON XI !!!

5-00PM IST(The NO HOLDS BARRED MATCH)-A sudden sound of “BEEP-BEEP” blows off in the midst of it all as Plattini moves forward to pick up the next team . Who is it? Sounds like the WWE RAW General manager. Yes its him.But what is he doing here?

An obedient official brings forward a laptop to Plattini who fittingly obliges and says- ” The General Manager  is here and i quote- The minnows of the tournament will not fight it out in the football field. I have been rather impressed by  Guttoso’s wrestling moves against Tottenham . As a result i feel the quarter final should be nothing but a “No Holds barred match” between GUTTUSO(AKA KANE) vs Tottenham Hotspur. Lets have the re-match!!”

No Holds Barred!!

For the first time, it was Plattini who got snubbed. A bit unsettled he said- “Its done and dusted then. The match is ON.”

5-05 PM IST- The draw is finally over and we have got our 4 quarter final ties. But most importantly i have managed to successfully waste 10 minutes of your life. :P Ok, now rather than cursing me, i suggest you to get yourself a life or just better go through the original one !

NOTE- No offences meant to anybody! Just for a bit of Fun :P


Debjit Lahiri
25, MBA student - IMT Ghaziabad. Erstwhile Engineer and massive sports enthusiast. Formerly Associated with India. Also published with Firstpost, Sportskeeda, Zee News etc.
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