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Arsenal : Earliest Season Preview Ever ( Humor)

1.74K   //    25 Jul 2011, 12:43 IST

Before you get into the actual article, here is the 2010-11 season review of Arsenal:

And how the players reacted to it:

A lack of football usually means a lack of nonsensical articles from the esteemed Faily Dail, Hamuel Solt, Haul Payward, Lartin Mipton and so on and so forth.

With an intention to address the anomaly, and also to send out a wider public service message to Arsenal fans, I’m going to quite spectacularly come out with the earliest Arsenal season preview ever. I know the transfers haven’t been done yet – they haven’t even started. And won’t start, at least for Arsenal fans, until August 31st when Nicklas Bendtner wants to exchange his pink boots for maroon ones on e-bay.
So what do I use for evaluation purposes? It’s so simple it’s bloody cunning. Of course, it is the Arsene Wenger facial expressions, dance moves and bottle-throwing techniques. They have, for long, been North London’s greatest pride, apart from “Arry’s accent that is.

This is the best of the lot. This usually means Arsenal are twatting a spanish side – NOT THOSE TWO – in the Champions League. Or it means he has managed to buy the next African ‘Drogba’ for as little as 1 MP. The problem with this dance move is that never appears later on in the campaign. These dancing shoes go straight into the cupboard during winter and by the time Wenger dusts them off, winter passes by to give way for late spring; when Wenger has already started to play with ‘em bottles.

Outcome :

We will score a minimum of 6 goals a game for at least 3 games, we will lose in the quarter finals of the Champions League and finish third in the league.

Barcelona gets called the new Arsenal, who gets back their Invincibles tag. Lid Sowe calls Thiago Alcantara as the next Fabregas, rather than the next Xavi Hernandez on Twitter.

Outcome - This would mean that Wenger has managed to retain not only Cesc, but also beat Barcelona to win the 2012 Champions League. (In addition to a historic Domestic treble). SkyBet are offering odds off 10000:1. So, if you put 1 pound now, you know whom to give the 10,000 pounds to if Arsenal do the quadruple.

This should mean any of the following three things:-
  • Stan Kroenke and/or Alisher Usmanov buy back Emmanuel Adebayor, who scores an own goal against Spurs but still runs off to celebrate in front off the Arsenal fans.
  • Arsenal are banned from playing football after the FA say no to signing U18 players.
  • Michel Platini compares Arsene Wenger and Carla Bruni for being perfect French citizens.
Outcome - Arsenal finish outside the top four, do the double over QPR, get doubled by Norwich and Wolves and lose to Chelsea in the quarter final of the Champions League.

This is Arsene Wenger at his most hair-risingly scary. But yet, ironically, is very funny to see him throw his arms around like they were bought in a ‘seconds’ store.
Outcome - Arsene Wenger gets called a voyeur by Neil Warnock, Arsenal mixes poison in the lasagnas but Liverpool still escape to claim that fourth spot in the table. Arsenal get outdone by Man. City in the final of the FA and League cups but are brave enough to beat Real Madrid in the Champions League but old adversaries Man. United knock them out in the quarter final.

Arsenal win the BPL but their trophy gets snatched out of their hands by the FA as Wenger abused them after Jack Wilshere represented England. There was apparently a promise of some sort that Wilshere would only play for France, Madagascar or for the Reunion. But never for the Union Jack. But the FA went back on their words. And Wenger lost out because of his loud mouth.
Outcome - Arsenal finish second in the league, finishes fourth in the group stages of the Champions League and fails to win anything again. Wenger, in an interview, says”I zidn’t zee or zay zanything”. But he was caught on camera saying something like: “Zhe ZA zar zucking zunts”.
Arsenal’s most irritating fan on Twitter, Miers Porgan, who cannot keep up with the emotion anymore, calls Arsenal as Zarsenal and quits Twitter. He goes on Air and cries about Arsenal. A million tweeters cry along with him.

The Arsenal bench, putting up Wenger’s bottle-throwing tantrums, lose their patience and keep a hot water bottle to surprise Wenger. That’s why Wenger isn’t able to hold onto it.
Outcome - Arsenal do an Arsenal
Caveat Emptor - Designed and produced in association with the Cabio Fapello index. So details/predictions might be wrong as well. Might survive as long as its parent company – Cabio Fapello – though.Take a chart, and jot down the dance moves/facial expressions/bottle throwing techniques.  Put a tick mark whenever the Arsene Wenger catharsis does one of the moves mentioned in the chart. The one with the highest tick marks should co-relate with where Arsenal finish their season and the outcome projected here.
If they do not match, blame Arsenal and Arsene Wenger’s dance moves for growing a pair.
Note: This article was originally written by Swaroop Swaminathan, the sanest gooner I know (so sane that he is borderline manc) and the sports editor of a leading newspaper. It was originally published in BigFourZa.
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