Chelsea vs Arsenal: 25 Quirky Reflections
Peter Cech is considering appealing to FIFA to change the "no handling in a back pass" rule after Unai refused to stop playing out from the back.
Granit Xhaka is considering moving to Hollywood after being offered the role of Bizarro Superman in the next Superman movie. He will don the role of the villain opposite Henry Cavill in the lead role and Unai believes that he has picked up enough disciplinary cards to be in character from day one.
N'Golo Kante has told Olivier Giroud that he will have to wait on the bench as, "it is his time now." Giroud has agreed to leave his trademark headers for his country-man even if he comes on.
Hector Bellerin has refused to drop back in defence until thirty minutes have passed in either half or until he sees Unai shove Sarri in the chest.
Ozil has made the world record in time taken for a player to come off the pitch in a non-injury substitution.
Guendouzi and David Luiz have agreed to swap jerseys in every future Chelsea-Arsenal match, no matter what the outcome.
Mateo Kovacic has put all doubts to rest after claiming that, "Premier League is better than La Liga."
Mkhitaryan and Olivier Giroud were caught fighting as to whose scorpion kick goal was better.
Unai Emery has accused Wenger of coercing the FA scheduling committee into giving him the champions of the last two seasons for his first two fixtures as Arsenal sit with 2 losses in 2 matches since 1992.
Maurizio Sarri has told the press that they should all have Marcos Alonso in their fantasy teams.
Alex Iwobi wants Wenger back to console them with phrases that have words like "character" and "spirit" which made them come back to a 2-2 from a 2 goal deficit in 4 minutes.
Eden Hazard dropped hints that a web search with "Hazard Signs" will not show the following images in the days to come.
Nacho Monreal was reported to go straight back to the team doctor to inquire about Koscielny's return date.
Alvaro Morata has thanked Steve Bould for getting his confidence back.
Mustafi was picked up with one hand by Papastathopoulos in the team dressing room and forced to hear, "victory has defeated you" in Bane's voice from the Dark Knight movie.
Willian was reportedly quoted to say that Chelsea under Sarri will blow Barcelona away next year.
Pedro was seen laughing at the quote above.
Jorginho has upset fans with his genuine inquiry, "I come from a stadium where Maradona used to play. Tell me about your history."
Gianfranco Zola has taken serious offence at the quote above and sat down with Jorginho to teach him about Chelsea.
Arrizabalaga has thanked Courtois and said that there never will be a goalkeeper bought for a price higher than his world-record transfer price.
Mkhitaryan has asked for the number ten role and not to be pushed on the wings and he claims that he doesn't mind doing it in Ozil's jersey.
After getting two starts under Sarri, Ross Barkley has told Antonio Conte that he was wrong in giving him 2 appearances in the entirety of last season.
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang has been asked to stop crying for Lacazette and made to practice shooting from 10 yards for an entire Sunday.
Nobody deserves the captain's armband more than Azipilicueta does after he expressed his desire to cover for Rudiger without letting go of his overlapping duties.
Jack Wilshere has vowed to make Unai Emery regret in letting go of him when Arsenal host West Ham next weekend.
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and is not supposed to be taken seriously.