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A mundane string of facts flourishes into a story when it's furnished with flavour. For the past two-and-a-half months, the lavish portions of masala on offer masquerading as news made one wonder if they had checked into the footballing world or the downtown grocery store.
Well, that's the route that the summer transfer sagas took.
As soon as a footballer drops 'Let's see' when asked about his future, the internet will call it an earthquake. The rumour floodgates will open and there will be more speculations than one can shake his stick at.
The big managers are put under the scanner and every move they make and every word they utter is autopsied. Not all managers and fan factions finish the summer with smiles on their faces.
Here is our review of the transfer window activity of the bosses of the EPL's six top clubs. Keep one hand on the holster 'cause this one comes with some Apache flair.
The Good
Jose Mourinho must be one of the most hated managers on the planet but he is absolutely adored at Manchester United right now. The Portuguese knows his way around the transfer window just as well as he knows how to park a bus. The Special One can hijack transfers with swagger identical to that of CJ in the skies of Las Venturas.
This summer also has the credit of being the one when the big fish of England decided that it was time for them to get back to flipping the birdie at the 'European giants'. Perez saw United's money bag and asked for an arm and a leg in order to let Morata join them. Mourinho teased and teased until Real Madrid's nose and briefcase were in Old Trafford and Morata's hair went red. And then they pulled out. Oh! You want £81m for your super sub? We sold Chicharito for £7m, mate. Sod off.
But all in all, United seem to have hoodwinked Chelsea and are all the more happy for it. If stealing Lukaku from under their noses didn't cut it, they borrowed a Matic shaped wand from Chelsea to unleash the magic of Paul Pogba. If the 10 unanswered goals they've smacked in during the first three games of the season are anything to go by, Conte has pulled off a gaffe by letting his side's pivot leave.
If Victor Lindelof could stop being flat footed, that'd be a fine touch.
Liverpool's days are much greener now. That's owing to the sheer cojones on one man - Jurgen Klopp. They signed the pacey Mohamed Salah and welcomed promising young talent in Andrew Robertson and Dominic Solanke.
Though a large portion of the Scousers have fallen out of love with Coutinho, owing to his 'great sadness' in having to stay put, Liverpool have done themselves a world of good by making him stay. It's refreshing to watch Premier League sides displaying a statement of intent at the La Liga giants - showing them the iron fist and not their bank details.
Their defence would have gained some much-needed health if the Saints weren't so clingy about Virgil van Dijk. While not being able to find defensive reinforcements can be considered a major slip up, Klopp seems determined to get the best out of what he's got. While that's not much, it's still a start.
But the proof of Liverpool's relentlessness was reserved for later. Barca came knocking for Coutinho four times and they received four straight-faced, big bugger-off NOs (not even an invitation to lounge) and a grind of the teeth that give grumpy old men a walk for their money.
Pep Guardiola was clearly flustered after he ended up in his duplex staring at the trophy cabinet that was gravely short on looks. So he went brick by brick to plug the holes that cost him glory and oh what expensive bricks! City brought in Benjamin Mendy (€57.5m), Kyle Walker (€51m), Ederson Moraes (€40m) and Danilo (€30m). Now I'm no Ramanujan but that's €178m worth of reinforcements to their backline. Their defensive expenditure is like that of war-torn nations.
But the armory looks formidable. Pep brought in Bernardo Silva from AS Monaco who is a like-for-like replacement for the aging David Silva. But David Silva doesn't look like he's lost any of his shine and the Blues of Manchester have giddily waved the window goodbye.
The Bad
Antonio Conte's spirits are pretty much down in the dumps as of this day. Stamford Bridge almost feels like a ghost house that the wayfaring old man warned you about. People just don't want to go there. The sheer number of people who've said NAH MATE! and are so damn coy about joining Conte's men is one too many. This was certainly not the colour the reigning Premier League champions wanted their home to be painted with.
The list of players who have rejected moves to Chelsea is of considerable length and then some. Let's start: Romelu Lukaku, Virgil van Dijk, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Fernando Llorente, Ross Barkley and Alex Sandro. You don't need to be Elon Musk to figure out that it is bad business.
Ever since Diego Costa was exiled from Chelsea, they've been looking for a replacement. Alvaro Morata, who Chelsea bought as a replacement for the big bully, looks determined to make a statement and already has two goals and two assists to show for it. Bakayoko will ease in to the team and the early signs are reassuring. Conte makes superstars out of his defenders more often than not and Rudiger could very well become a big bad block in defence.
Conte sold a bunch of youngsters and then sent more than an entire squad on loan. After that, he realized that his squad had bare minimum depth. Following the utterly nice gesture of gifting Matic to United, Conte found a replacement in Danny Drinkwater who was bought for a figure in the same ballpark. Baffling business.
Mauricio Pochettino didn't exactly go to sleep as soon as the transfer window started as most people would like to opine. But when you pay the most prolific goalscorer in the country a meager (only in footballing terms) £100,000-a-week, you can save yourself a lot of effort and be resigned to being none-too-pleasing to them stars. When you don't have the dough you either lure them with pedigree or the promise of glory.
These are the days when Oxlade-Chamberlains of England get offered £150,000-a-week and Ross Barkleys turn down £110,000-a-week contracts.
So, if you want premium, you pay premium.
They paid £36m for Ajax's Davinson Sanchez. In this inflated transfer market, that figure is nothing to ogle at, but, um, doesn't £36m for a 21-year-old defender have a shade of panic lathered over it? Serge Aurier is sunny business though. They offloaded Kyle Walker for £46.6 million and got a worthy replacement for £22 million. However, Aurier's questionable history is not exactly in sync with Tottenham's credo. They convinced Llorente to come and play second fiddle at Wembley - that means hardly ever play for Tottenham because, um, Harry Kane. Further, they were so enterprising that Llorente snubbed Chelsea and the chance to reunite with Conte.
The Ugly
As a manager, you better know your poker. Otherwise, choppers are going to fly around exhibiting the collective (ugly as sin) opinions of the fans. Words have no wings but they can fly a thousand miles - just got real.
Spare yourself some pity and don't look, mate. It's no oil painting. Ask Arsene Wenger.
In fact, spare Arsene some pity and don't ask him. How do I describe the summer that the old dog has had? It has been like a drunken day at the beach. Started off with a few shots that were harsh on the wallet. He delayed dip time and smiled through the afternoon. And then when all the lads decided to take a swim in the ocean, he joined the lot. Except for the fact that he forgot to take his clothes off and now everything's wet and he is a whacking great mess with no spare clothes. Make sense?
The summer business started off on a high note. Wenger was like I'ma shut all your traps and spend like I hit the jackpot. He went straight ahead and sealed the deal for Sead Kolasinac, who had made it to the Bundesliga Team of the Year, and signed Alexandre Lacazette who had scored 37 goals from 45 appearances for Lyon. Great business, take nothing away from it.
He even had the gall to say that he'd roll the red carpet out to welcome Kylian Mbappe. But for all the blarney on offer, Wenger was characteristically frugal in an inflated transfer market. After all, he's the man who, adorably enough, still thinks that throwing in an extra pound or two can tip the scales favorably. After winning the 'pre-season treble', the Frenchman possibly pimp walked into his office in anticipation of the new season. Okay, that might be hyperbole. At least the Wenger Out rhetoric was dying down for a bit.
Three weeks into the new season and Arsenal have lost two matches.
No Champions League, guess who rubbed it in... Alexis Sanchez.
Wenger's press conference schemes are vaguely reminiscent of Mark Anthony's famous eulogy, 'If you're a good man, honour your contract.' Chamberlain forgot how to smile and Wenger kept at it. Dude, honour your contract. Alexis perpetually had his hands on his hips and eyes in the sky and all Wenger had to say was 'honour your contract.' Chamberlain jumped ship and joined Liverpool, who dug a fresh new grave for Wenger at Anfield when the Gunners showed up with no heart and little moxie. Sanchez wasn't that fortunate though.
Wenger's lack of enterprise saw them miss out on Lemar and Mahrez. Arsenal Fan TV's hitlist is growing in size and then the club revealed that they don't have the dough. What even? So Wenger was just publicly day dreaming about Mbappe, Lemar and the like?
And later towards the absolute business end of the window, they tried landing Lemar again. For a reported £92m! And failed.
All this while, Sanchez stayed at the Emirates praying that the forces of nature would combine to get Arsenal a replacement because God knows Wenger wouldn't. In the end, a reluctant Sanchez had to stay put and he will, in fact, honour his contract.
As the players voyaged off for the international break, Arsene Wenger will need to plug in his headphones (the kind that comes with noise cancellation) lest Troopz and the rest of Arsenal Fan TV render him deaf after two successive defeats.
Conte's men look to be getting back on track after a disastrous opening weekend and so do Tottenham. Pep will want to zero in on the right combinations soon and his unit will need to up the ante as Europe's elite competition kicks off in a week.
And finally, United look comfortable atop the table. Jose Mourinho is probably smoking a Cuban in his backyard gleaming, 'Cousin, business is a booming.'
