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SATIRE: Abramovich to sack next Chelsea boss before appointing him

‘Him! Bring him here, hire him and sack him!’

After the sacking of Roberto Di Matteo, following a run of below par results over the past few weeks, Roman Abramovic, the trigger-happy owner of Chelsea football club has decided to part company with the manager in true Roman style.

Following a 3-0 defeat by Juventus in the Champions League that leaves Chelsea depending on other results to qualify from the group, Roman decided that enough was indeed enough and enforced his rule by sacking his eighth manager in about a decade.

The club, recognizing the pattern of ownership and the associated paperwork that comes with the sacking of each manager has come up with a novel solution to the problem. Said a spokesperson, ‘As you well know, the owner of Chelsea Football Club demands extremely high standards and when these standards drop, he has a zero tolerance approach and sacks managers.

‘In keeping with this tradition, he demands the utmost from the staff who run the day to day activities as well. As a result, the board, along with Mr. Abramovich, has decided to sack the next Chelsea manager even before he is appointed. Now the benefits of such an unprecedented move are manifold. First, it eliminated the need to even hire a manager in the first place. Once he is hired, there is a constant need to monitor his progress which takes time and effort. All these unnecessary tasks can be avoided as well. Finally, if the manager under-performs, he is to be sacked and this involves further processes which can be done away with.

‘Hence, Mr. Abramovich has taken this bold decision of sacking the next Chelsea boss even before appointing him. By doing this, he ensures that Chelsea football club is one of the best run in the land. Run into the ground, that is.

On the question of Mr. Abramovich’s apparent lack of tolerance, he said, ‘Mr. Abramovich is one of the shrewdest businessmen in the world and demands nothing mut the best, even from himself. He once fined himself a million pounds for poor financial results of one of his companies. He then proceeded to pay this amount from the Abramovic account to the Abramovich account. Please note that, to the lay man, this might seem to be the same account but be rest assured that they are two different accounts, both held by Mr. Abramovich himself.  So, you see, he is a man of virtue and does not shirk from responsibility.

When quizzed about the odds-on favourite for the job, Rafael Benitez, he said, ‘Mr. Benitez is a strong contender, yes. He has an excellent CV and has had fantastic relevant prior work experience in that he has been sacked by both Liverpool and Inter in the recent past. This might play to his advantage.’ On the subject of Harry Redknapp, he said, ‘Mr. Redknapp does boast of great credentials and the best thing he has going for him is that he is the most recent of the managers to be sacked. Hence, he could be a forerunner for the job. However, please do not quote me on that.

Chelsea Football Club are currently in talks with a number of managers to take over from Roberto Di Matteo. The most promising candidates, however, have already been sacked. Watch this space for more.

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