Satire: Wayne Rooney, Luis Suarez and Gareth Bale - A secret discussion

Disclaimer: To be frank, the amount of truth in this drama is as much as Manchester United‘s chances of getting Cesc Fabregas (nil).

The respective dramas involving this trio have bored us to death by now. None of the parties are willing to blink, which means, these players have been left in limbo. So, what is their current state of mind?

Here, we present to you the details of their secret meeting at an undisclosed location. Wayne Rooney and Luis Suarez have arrived already and are waiting for Gareth Bale. Wayne is gazing up at the dark night sky, while Luis is tearing apart his food using his canine-like teeth, and uttering words under his breath which Rooney cannot comprehend.

This is Rooney’s state of mind:

What is he saying?

Finally, Bale arrives.

Rooney: What took you so long, Gareth?

Bale: Well, Mr Mourinho was just showing me the house he vacated in Madrid. I still need to negotiate the rent though.

Suarez: So, does this means your transfer fee has been agreed?

Bale: I do not know.

Rooney: The fee isn’t agreed yet, how are you so sure that it will happen? You say you are even searching for a house there. I’m confused.

Suarez: Lol Wayne, been hearing a lot about your confusions lately!

Rooney: What do you know Luis? At least, you are the main man in your team, unlike poor me!

Bale: Ha! You can say whatever you want guys. The fact is, even the two of you put together cannot extract a transfer fee as high as I’m about to cost. So, I’m better than both of you put together.

Rooney: Hold your fire, Gareth. This is not about who is better. What’s holding up all of us is the fee. In my case though, you wait and watch Chelsea bid £5o million or more for me on the final day, like they did for Fernando Torres.

Bale: I’m not too sure about that Wayne. You see, when Mr. Mourinho was showing me his house in Madrid, he discussed your issue with me. He said, Chelsea’s bid for you is only a gimmick. He claims neither he, nor his club, are interested in you. Sorry.

Suarez starts to feel a bit left out, but the mention of ‘Chelsea’ puts him back in the thick of the action.

Suarez: Hey, anyone just said Chelsea here? Is Mou interested in me? I would love to face Ivanovic during practice. Mind you, all in good taste!

Bale: Please Luis, I beg. We are not here to discuss your food habits! Right Wayne?

Rooney: Yes. So, Gareth, are you telling me that Mourinho is not interested in me at all? Blimey, now I am really angry and confused. Did he mention about another bid?

Bale: No, he didn’t. You see, we did not digress too much from the purpose of our meet, which was, to show me his house.

Suarez: Did you meet Perez?

Bale: No, I couldn’t. Ironically, he was in the United States discussing my transfer with Levy at that very moment. By the way, I met Cristiano Ronaldo.

Rooney: Did he talk about coming back?

Bale: Yes. It seems he is unhappy there. He is willing to come to Manchester in the future. (sees Rooney’s and Suarez’s surprised looks) Nah, not to play. Only for vacations and advertisements. Sorry to get your hopes up.

Suarez: And, what more did you discuss?

Bale: I told him how good it is at Tottenham. I told him about Andre Villas Boas’ superb coaching methods and how he gets the best out of his players, we spoke about the atmosphere at the Lane, and about Levy. I also discussed transfer fees. I asked him to hand a transfer request. It’s a simple calculation. I am going to cost £100 million, he cost them £80. I spoke about the prospect of a £20 million + Ronaldo deal for Bale. He wasn’t too keen on the idea. He said, he’d rather compete against one Leo Messi in La Liga rather than some ‘angry’ and ‘sharp’ players in the EPL. Looks like all the good players, like me, are gradually leaving the EPL.

Rooney: Enough of talking about that guy. This wasn’t the purpose of our meet. We want to talk about you Gareth. Are you sure that you will be playing at Real Madrid this season?

Bale: I am. I asked Luka Modric earlier this summer. He advised me to keep fit and do as the manager orders to. He said that Levy is a champion negotiator. Levy will squeeze money out of Perez once again like Luka last summer, and stretch this till the deadline. It will happen, definitely.

Rooney: So, you are confident about your move considering last year’s experience with Modric. All the best!

Bale: Thanks! So, what about the two of you?

Suarez: The least said, the better. If I open my mouth, they say I am not behaving like a true Kop. If I keep my mouth shut, they say I’m keeping everybody in the dark.

Rooney: Again, he talks about opening his mouth! Somebody, get him away from this country as soon as possible.

Suarez: That was exactly what I wanted to do Wayne. The media here does not let me lead a normal life.

Bale: I understand Luis, but isn’t Arsenal also in England?

Suarez: Of course, it is. There lies the problem. I do not seem to interest Real Madrid, because they are spending so much on you! Barcelona got Neymar and they are done for the summer. Bayern have Guardiola as their manager, which means, even a striker as good as me cannot start. So, the options are limited. Further on the downside, nobody apart from Arsenal have even bid. It is a very tricky situation.

Rooney: Yes. By the way Luis, we have been hearing a lot of rumours about your contract. Does it, or does it not, have a release clause in it?

Suarez: Poor Luis does not know. Neither does his agent.

Bale and Rooney (stunned): What?

Suarez: All that Liverpool told me was, if there was a suitable bid in future, they will consider. According to them, I am worth much more than 40 million plus 1 pound. Apparently, 40 million triggers something in my contract. What, I do not know.

Rooney: Tricky situation. But why do you prefer a move to Arsenal when they have got as much chance of winning a trophy as Liverpool?

Suarez: I can play in the Champions League at least. Something that does not look possible if I continue my career at Liverpool. They make the same promises every summer but break them eventually. ‘This year is our year’, they keep saying. For them, it is all about pride. Pride, they feel, is more important than actually winning some trophies. That is why they are still so angry with Torres. He wanted trophies. He left, and he got them. I want to do the same at Arsenal. If not trophies, I want Champions League experience at least. Inspite of selling their best players every summer, they keep doing it every year, do not ask me how.

Bale: Now, I get your point Luis. You wanted to move abroad, but when no interest was declared, you changed your stance. All you want to do now is to play in the Champions League. Isn’t it?

Suarez: Yes. And win some trophies probably.

Bale: Well, even Tottenham can give you that chance. They will use the money they get from my move, to move you there. Interested in Spurs?

Suarez: If you listened properly Gareth, I said Champions League, NOT Europa League.

Bale (slightly taken aback at this dig): Well, it’s a very close race there for 4th spot. But, why haven’t you officially requested for a transfer yet?

Suarez: I do not want to force it now. From my past experience, I understand that the window tends to get crazy towards the end. For example, who in their right minds would have thought of pairing me with Andy Carroll? I hope a top, title challenging club bids for me when the deadline is approaching. If they do not, I will force the move to ’4th place trophy’ chasing Arsenal at the eleventh hour.

Rooney: Can you make it in time then?

Suarez: Yes, I have been taking some valuable tips from Fernando Torres lately on how to engineer a move away from Liverpool on deadline day. That guy is extremely clever. Too bad it does not translate to the pitch for him nowadays.

Rooney: So, you have got it all planned. If Arsenal and Liverpool do not break the deadlock soon, you will bide your time till the last day. Then, you will act, like Torres. Correct?

Suarez: Yes.

Bale: But what about Liverpool, mate? You’ve got to feel for them. They won’t have time for a replacement. What if they do another Carroll?

Suarez: Who cares? I’ve devoted two and a half years of my life caring for them. I cannot keep caring for them all my career. I have trophies to win elsewhere.

Rooney: Oh, dear Luis! Do you remember how Liverpool stood by you during your tough times? Now, you are backstabbing them. Can’t you learn a thing or two about loyalty from your captain Steven Gerrard?

Suarez (sarcastically): Look who is talking about loyalty!

Bale: Haha! Coming to you, why are you so desperate Wayne?

Rooney: Fergie, the old fox, thought he needed a striker inspite of having me, Danny, and Chicarito at his disposal. He bought that ‘van’ last summer. Unexpectedly, the ‘van’ raced away to glory, knocking poor Wayne off pole position. He replaced me on the pitch, and gradually, he took my position of the darling of Old Trafford as well. All in one year. Poor Wayne was forgotten. Wayne, England’s undisputed number one striker, was made to play in all sorts of positions. Just behind the striker (that guy) and on the wing sometimes – that was partly acceptable. But the last straw was when he once played me in central midfield. Imagine the shame – an out-and-out striker in central midfield doing all the dirty work, while that ‘van’ raced away to glory with minimum number of touches of the ball! I need to prove a point. I am not done as a striker yet, as Fergie thinks. Fergie still has some control and if I stay on, he will soon advise Moyes to convert me into a center back! Shouldn’t I be ‘angry and confused’ with this?

Bale and Suarez: Yes, we understand your difficulties Wayne. It is a sad situation to be in. You entertained them over the years, the supporters loved you, you were an automatic starter. Now, another player has entered in style and stolen your thunder within a year and you have been cast aside as ‘backup’.

Rooney: I’m glad that at least somebody understands me. Kudos, guys.

Bale: We understand that you are desperate to leave. Apart from the reasons you mentioned, isn’t David Moyes also one of the reasons?

Rooney: He is the one who classified me as ‘backup’, something Fergie never did. Who needs Wayne when they have Robin? Being England’s number one striker, I do not want to be playing second fiddle to anybody in the World Cup year. Coming back to David, he is bad at press conferences. Why can’t he just tell the world the truth? “Wayne is not for sale” the board have taught him, he repeats that everyday. The truth is, they are waiting for the right price to sell me off!

Bale: Since Chelsea are the only interested party, I doubt whether money will be a big issue eventually. But why them, Wayne?

Rooney: I’d rather be part of a strong bus with an experienced driver than play second fiddle to a van which may break down at the slightest hint of a petty road accident.

Bale: Sigh, the very bus which blocked our Champions League ambitions last summer. Cleverly put Wayne!

Rooney: They have a great manager, a decent defense…

Suarez: They have Ivanovic!

Rooney: If your intentions are something other than football, please go away Luis.

Rooney: Coming back to Chelsea, they have a midfield overloaded with the best talent in the world, a 20 year old wannabe striker, and £60m of crap (Torres and Ba, I mean). That is why, they need somebody like Wayne who guarantees 20+ league goals a season. If Manchester United’s midfield junk can help me score that many number of goals, imagine how many ‘Mazacar’ can assist me with. It’s a very tempting prospect of teaming up with them. Besides, they have a great chance of winning the league this time, with Mourinho back.

Bale: Are you sure you will be the number one striker there?

Rooney: Why else will they bid for me? As I said, that kid Lukaku has bags of potential, a definite Drogba in the making. He is the only true competitor. As for the others, (Rooney is rather angry here) are you seriously doubting my chances against them?

Suarez: No we aren’t. But, will the fans accept you?

Rooney: First think about yourself Luis. Will Arsenal fans, who pride themselves for their decency and courteousness, accept you and your antics? Initially they will not. But when you start proving yourself on the pitch, they will start getting behind you and support you. As for Chelsea, some of the fans could accept Rafa Benitez towards the end. Will I prove to be as difficult to support as Rafa?

Bale: But Wayne, even you haven’t formally submitted a transfer request like Luis. Why?

Rooney: For the same reasons. Though it will cost my new club a lot, I do not want to give United time to search for a replacement. I want this transfer stretched to the deadline.

Bale: On the 26th of August, we have Manchester United vs Chelsea. You will still be a Red Devil that day. Will you play?

Rooney: Even if the manager wants me to, I will not.

Rooney: That will seal the deal. United will know clearly. There is no use in keeping an unhappy player, especially during the World Cup year. It’s neither good for the player, nor the club. Summary – I am moving to Chelsea.

Suarez: Time to end this discussion. All of us are changing clubs, just before / on deadline day then? We are all stabbing our current clubs. They will get loads of money, but no time to sign our replacements. True?

Bale: Ah! My Spurs should have no problems in that respect. Look at what they did last season – signed Dempsey and Dembele on deadline day! And a couple of years before that – Rafael van der Vaart. He was even sold in similar circumstances last year! Levy is very shrewd and cunning in this business.

Suddenly, a tennis ball zooms out of nowhere and hits Rooney in the face. The confused forward is even more perplexed as to where it came from. He starts to recollect an old story he learnt in his childhood -the story of a man named Isaac Newton, the architect of a science called physics. He is shaken out of his musing by a loud call by Luis Suarez -”Hi there, Rafa!”.

Rafael Nadal emerges out of the darkness.

Bale: So, you called him here Luis? Incredible! I thought only footballers meet at this place.

Suarez: I won’t discuss anything related to football. I just wanted to take a few tips from him.

Bale: Tips? What for?

Suarez: I’m going to win trophies in future, ain’t I?

Bale: Yes, you are. But why Rafa Nadal specifically?

Suarez: I’l tell you. Here -

Rooney and Bale: Oh s***!

Rooney (to Bale): Let’s leave before Rafa sees us. Quick.

Rooney (to Suarez): Farewell Luis, from Wayne Rooney and Gareth Bale. Hope to come up against you soon on the pitch. Good day!

Suarez: (slurp) The prospect is tempting!

Bale (alarmed) : Wait a second! Who said anything about Gareth Bale? All along, did you think I was Bale?

Rooney (now totally shocked!): Then, Who are you?

Bale: I am Kenneth McEvoy – Spurs youth team player. They call me ‘Baby Bale’ since I look exactly the same. I have fooled both of you ever since this discussion started! Google me, you’ll know.

Suarez (sharply): Then, where is the ‘real’ Gareth Bale now?

McEvoy: In Madrid of course, finalizing personal terms of a world record deal!

McEvoy runs away. Suarez and Rooney are so shocked now they start to fear this young kid. Their already tarnished reputation would take a severe beating if he revealed this conversation to the outside world, or more importantly, the news starved media. Suarez starts muttering in a foreign tongue, mostly cursing McEvoy, while Wayne remains lost in thought.

Rafa Nadal: Shall we get started, Luis?

Rooney flees from the spot like he has never done in the past six months. Presumably, he does not want to be the object of Luis Suarez’s practice session with Rafael Nadal,

An apology: Kindly excuse the writer if the disclaimer offends you, and for the repeated digs at Suarez’s instincts, the clubs involved, and any other party that the writer may have offended. It was all in jest, only meant to hold the reader’s interest.