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SATIRE: Wayne's world - A look into the secret diary of Wayne Rooney

FEATURED WRITER
Humor 18 Jul 2013, 15:21 IST
4.05K
"Look at my lone, pretty hair!"

“Look at my long, pretty hair!”

18th May.

Dear Diary,

I spoke to the Gaffer about a possible transfer. Don’t think he paid any heed to it. Didn’t seem to care, his last day being tomorrow and all that. Hmmm.

19th May.

Diary,

S**T!!!!! The old man announced it on teevee. Must be more careful from now on.

20th May.

Dear Diary,

I might have been a bit impudent with the S**T!!!! yesterday. I apologize. However, S**T!!!!!! But then again, that trophy sure does feel nice. Even if that Batman’s sidekick hogged all the limelight. Damn it. Will write to the Premier League to send me a replica. Alternatively, will get it made in China. Everything seems to be made there these days. Also, it’s the holidays!!!! YAY!!!!

24th May.

Diary,

Looks like my hair woes are back. Oh look! Kai now has more hair than me. That’s it then. Need to go in for another transplant. Need to sue the previous one as well. And ask for a transfer.

Looking forward to meeting the new Gaffer, well old gaffer in my case, again as well. Too bad he does not take charge for a while.

25th May.,

Diary,

Whoa! What a game. Wanted Dortmund to win but Bayern won, of course. Robben played the whole bloody season! How, I don’t know. Must have had those glass legs replaced with Gorilla glass or something. There can be no other explanation. Pep going there next year as well. Hmmm. And Gotze. Perhaps I should look into it. Will keep you posted, of course.

26th May.

Dear Diary,

I’m staying at Manchester United and going to help them win the Champions League. I’m awesome!

27th May.

Diary,

I’m leaving Manchester United. Don’t ask. Long story.

5th June.

Dearest diary,

Hair transplant successful. I’m ready to become awesome again. Considering a wig for the time being. Kai still has more hair than me. Time for a haircut, I think.

15th June.

Diary,

Neymar has joined Barca. Hope he and Messi rekindle the old flame. By flame, I mean the Argentina-Brazil rivalry, of course. If not, I have no idea how someone is going to stop them. Perhaps I should look at Barca too. Hmmm.

16th June.

Diary,

I’m going to Real Madrid, and that’s final.

17th June.

Dear Diary,

I’m not going to Real Madrid. Saw Goal 2 today. Eerie similarity with the kid in the movie (especially the hair). Better not risk it.

20th June.

Diary,

Still waiting to talk to the new gaffer. Boy! How long a holiday does a guy need?

25th June.

Dearest diary,

Back to full fitness and top form. Can eat 5 hamburgers on the trot. I’m awesome! The hair seems to be on track but Kai still has more. Damn!

30th June.

Diary,

The new gaffer comes in tomorrow. Must meet him.

1st July.

The new gaffer arrived. Never met him! He took Vidic to the ruddy press conference. I mean, who does he think he is? The club captain? Oh wait. Never mind. Still, he should’ve taken me as well. Next time perhaps.

2nd July.

Diary,

Finally met the gaffer. Said that I was looking fighting fit. Was tempted to start a fight. Ha ha! I kid, of course. Was feeling so good that I dropped down and did 100 push-ups on the spot. Just to prove a point.

5th July.

Diary,

The gaffer has categorically said that I’ll not be sold. That’s what he thinks. Ha! I will, however, remain at Manchester United. The hair is on track.

9th July.

Dear Diary,

Off to Bangkok soon. Woo hoo! Also, Jose Mourinho, what a clown! He mentions my name and then says he won’t talk about me in public.

11th July.

Bloody Diary,

Damn it! Just when I landed in Bangkok, I have to go back. Was looking to enjoy myself, you know, without Coleen around and all. Don’t get me wrong. I was not referring to doing things that people usually do in Bangkok. Was merely thinking of some peace and quiet away from a crying baby. Seriously, perverted you are. Now I have to go back to dull and boring Manchester.

13th July.

Diary,

Back in Manchester. Got a scan. Nothing too serious. Should be ready for the start of the season. Excellent! Also, I love Jose Mourinho.

14th July.

Diary,

I’m definitely not going to Chelsea. I’m staying here forever.

15th July.

Diary,

I’m going to Chelsea. That’s that.

16th July.

Diary,

What?! I’m cover for Batman’s sidekick? That’s it. I’m off. It is time I left. However, I must not say anything. I will slyly send out a mail to a journalist and report it as ‘sources’. I’m clever that way.

17th July.

Diary,

Hahaha! Hahaha! Abramovich is even dumber than I thought. Mata plus 10 million for me? I mean, I am full of myself but even I have to laugh at that. Hahaha! However, just proves my worth. I am awesome. Also, I’m not leaving Manchester United. Or am I?

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