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SK Alternate Player Ratings - Premier League 2016/17: Manchester United 1 - 1 Arsenal

Anirudh Menon
FEATURED COLUMNIST
Humor
2.28K   //    21 Nov 2016, 21:48 IST
Just at look at that beard!

With SK Alternate Player Ratings we attempt a humorous take on the serious, serious world of professional football. 

For our first edition, we pick out the rivalry that defined has defined the Premier League. Okay, it used to. After ten years of being no. 4 and a three years of Davey Moyes and Louis ‘the Philosopher’ Van Gaal, it really doesn’t feel like it can define anything anymore can it?

Although we missed the spice of many-an-occasion past, it was a superbly entertaining match – that last minute goal really was something. Made for spectacular entertainment for the neutrals.


Manchester United 

La Goal Scorer. How can you hate that smile? How?

David De Gea – 7/10

Dave Saves? Bah! 

He couldn't save the glorious header from His Holy French Handsomeness!

Was sleeping most of the time, and that header was an alarm from hell. 

Antonio Valencia – 12/10

HE PLAYED THREE WEEKS AFTER HE BROKE HIS ARM AND HAD SURGERY ON IT. AND HE PLAYED LIKE A BOSS.

THREE WEEKS. I CAN'T TURN CAPS OFF BECAUSE THE MAN'S AWESOMENESS SIMPLY WON’T LET ME.

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THREE WEEKS. 

PHEW.

Phil Jones – 6/10

He is not in hospital – the man gets a 5 just for that. Would have been way higher than 6, though, if he had stopped HHFH from scoring

Marcos Rojo – 6/10

Defied skeptics and actually played some decent football. Was mostly untroubled due to Arsenal's lack of ambition, or cohesion. Like his partner, could/should have done better against HHFH

Matteo Darmian  (off 63') – 5/10

Channeled his inner Rafael as he went lunging in for everything. Was saved a red card by Marriner's laxity and Mourinho's substitution

Michael Carrick – 6/10

Did what he always does – pass, pass, pass. And as always, he did it well. Much like Gandalf he screamed “you shall not pass” every time Arsenal tried to move forward. 

Jose, you better play him as long as those creaking Toon legs have motor function in them. 

Juan Mata (84) – 9/10

The Special Juan is making a habit of saving The Special One's bacon. He was superb, and makes you wonder what he did wrong in Chelsea to get thrown out... or was it all part of Mourinho's plan? Hmmm.....

Ander Herrera -  9/10

Flew into tackles, ran relentlessly, passed immaculately. The only one in either team who came looking for a fight and if Xhaka-man had started I'm sure they could have taken us on a bloody trip down memory lane.

Ah! Well *wipes away a wistful tear*

Paul Pogba – 7/10

Should have scored a screamer, should have done a Maradona and run through the entire Arsenal team, should have made a million defence-splitting passes ... should have done this, should have done that. That's all you can hear booming across the footballing world as Paul Scholes lays into him with all the grace of one his late, late tackles. 

Why?

89.4 million.

That number is never going to let him be is it?

P.S. Was actually quite good. 

Anthony Martial (off '62) – 5/10

Is he still mad at Ibra stealing his no.9 shirt? If so, he should up and leave. How can anyone look this disinterested for a big match? 

Marcus Rashford – 7/10

Ran his heart out did that kid. But without LVG in the dugout doing his homework, had too much to think about. What is (a+b)^2? How do I beat Shkordan Mustafi? When will Miss Jones (there should be a Miss Jones in his school, surely?) call him up for the lab practicals?

*Sigh*  

Much LOL

SUBSTITUTES

Wayne Rooney (on 62' for Anthony M) – 4/10

Why, Wayne? Why? Why do you subject us to this?

Daley Blind (on 63' for Matteo) – 6/10

Calm, collected and composed.  Then disappeared from the left wing when the Ox decided to stretch his legs. THIS ISN'T THE DUTCH TEAM, DALEY!

Morgan Schneiderlin (on 84' for Juan) – 4/10

Came on to help reverse le bus into le parked position. Failed the driver’s test – not really his fault, though. It was just a collective shift into neutral from reverse.


Jose Mourinho – 7/10

His team bossed the game. His team created all the chances. His team scored first. His team ended up dropping two points at the last minute to the only real attack the opposition mustered. He whined at the press conference. 

For someone who hates Arsene Wenger, he did a great job imitating him. 

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Anirudh Menon
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