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When the going gets tough, we are often expected to stay strong and remain positive. While that may work for us at some point, at other times, it can be a reflection of toxic positivity.
Toxic positivity is not good for your mental health. It turns your problems into something you are not doing right, instead of it being mostly as a result of a society full of racism, ableism, queerphobia, etc.
No amount of positive thinking is going to turn a flight of stairs into a ramp when you have mobility issues. No amount of positive thinking can immediately reduce the symptoms of depression. With positive thoughts, we can fight back against some of these things, but it takes a lot more effort and patience.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is something that's often discussed in psychology and the mental health context. While the field recognizes the importance of realistic importance and how it enhances well-being, researchers have also emphasized the dangerous effects of toxic positivity.
This is basically a way people try to empathize when others discuss their issues or problems. While they mean well, these statements can often hurt and inflict pain. The reason being these statements seem to be positive on the surface but can invalidate what someone is feeling at the moment. As a result, the person sharing their story can feel like their emotions do not matter or that they should simply toughen up.
These statements are human and very typical, but we should realize these can also be damaging. Therefore, a better way to offer validation and support is to listen to a person’s feelings and try to help them with statements such as "I am here for you", "How can I support you?" or "I am really sorry for what you are going through".
Reasons Why Toxic Positivity Is Harmful
In research, we often find an inverted-U graph for the relationship between well-being and other concepts.
For instance, if our optimism is very low, it can be damaging to our mental health and is associated with mental illnesses. At a moderate level of optimism, our well-being remains at its peak, as we are able to balance our thoughts and emotions.
However, after this peak, there is a gradual downfall in the level of well-being. Here are five reasons toxic positivity is harmful:
1) Denial of Negative Emotions
Toxic positivity entails negative emotions as evil and malicious to mental health. However, research shows that accepting primary negative emotions can enhance well-being. Managing negative emotions is helpful but do not deny your emotions. They are real and valid.
Accept emotions as they come up, the good, the bad and the ugly, and remember they can all coexist. When those differing emotions come up, practice acceptance and compassion as opposed to judgment.
2) There Is Not Always a Bright Side
Sometimes it’s not about looking on the bright side. Sometimes telling someone to see the bright side too soon is toxic positivity.
When someone is hurting, the true way to show them love and support is by sitting with them in their grief. It’s not about trying to make it go away. It’s about meeting them where they are at and allowing them to feel. That's what truly caring about someone looks like.
Telling someone to see the bright side is a sign that their pain makes you uncomfortable. It’s more for your own sake, as you can’t handle the negativity, but that’s not what someone in pain needs. They need to feel safe enough to open up and process how they are feeling.
3) Denial of Reality For Self
Toxic positivity is essentially a denial of reality, a denial of what is present right now. It's possible to inflict toxic positivity even on yourself.
On your own, you might do that when you pretend that everything is fine, even if it isn’t, when you tell yourself to “Just think positive!” to avoid feeling important emotions, or when you feel guilty or ashamed for having any emotion/thought that feels inconvenient, unacceptable, or negative. When we deny our emotions, we move further away from our true selves.
4) Denial of Reality For Others
On others, we might engage in toxic positivity when we minimize their challenges or emotions, when we urge people to look for the “silver lining” or the lesson in a loss too quickly, when we respond to someone who is vulnerable and in pain by saying “it could always get worse!” or “everything happens for a reason.”
5) Isolation From Others
We start to live inauthentically with ourselves and the rest of the world when we suppress our true emotions and thoughts.
We become disconnected from ourselves, which makes it challenging for other people to relate to and connect with us. Your interactions with others frequently reflect how you feel about yourself. How can you ever be able to hold room for someone else to express authentic sentiments in your presence if you can't be honest about your own feelings?
Takeaway
Being authentic doesn't mean we need to give out details of every feeling, of every moment, to anyone and everyone we meet, but it’s counterproductive to our well-being to be faking it.
Avoiding or suppressing emotional discomfort can lead to increased anxiety, depression and an overall worsening of mental health. We should not have to pretend that everything is okay when it's not.
Janvi Kapur is a counselor with a Master's degree in applied psychology with a specialization in clinical psychology.
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